More Spacious Places

Safe Places No Longer Safe

2012-01-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

There were a few other issues I'd neglected to include in my last post but were actually probably the most difficult of the "non-auto-pedestrian-accident-related" things going on last year:

1. In relation to my expanding role at my full-time job, I was named the editor-in-chief of our new blog by the president of the company. Very exciting. A great opportunity. Part of my responsibilities included overseeing a committee of co-workers as we came up with the vision for and design of the new blog.

To make a VERY long story short, one of the members of the committee didn't like the way I was leading and questioned my authority from the beginning. He made things very difficult for me. He underminded my every decision and actually went around me and behind my back a few times.

My every attempt to recitify and talk through everything with him was ingored and downplayed...until finally, he agreed to meet with me (with a mediator - our operations manager - in the room). During the meeting, this co-worker proceeded to lambast and degrade me without being stopped by our "mediator." One of the many awful things he said to me was, "You are a cruel and mean person....you continually make fun of me and mock me. While you seem to have the professional skills to move forward, I fear that your cruel, mean and awful personality will keep you from ever getting ahead."

And, when I said to him later in the conversation, "I feel like I'm owning everything that's gone wrong here. But, I feel like you're ignoring the fact that you had a part in this too" our mediator jumped in with this: "No, Natalie. He is not responsible for how you feel. Remember to use your 'I feel when you' statements..."

While I am admit I am far from perfect, that entire situation was completely unwarranted. Not sure what happened or why it all happened, since EVERYONE else on the committee and in the company was fine with how I was doing things related to the blog. It was just something with him, I guess. (Case in point: a year later, he is totally fine with me. I've not changed my behavoir at all to him and he regularly chats it up with me, shares his life and engages in conversations of all sorts with me. He even asked if he could include me on a proposal for a project he was going after. Complete 180. So strange...though relieving. :))

2. I was in another car accident. And, this time, it truly, truly wasn't my fault. I was driving in the left-most lane of a one-way, three-lane street downtown when a car in the middle lane decided to turn left - from the middle lane - onto a side-street. He completely hit the back right side of my car....then drove away. Can you say "hit and run"!? To make matters worse, I had my "little sister" from BigBrother BigSisters in the car with me. No one was hurt and the damage to my car was only cosmetic but I was still thoroughly shaken. (And, by the way, since the car had driven off and I was already dealing with one accident, I decided to forego calling the police or reporting the accident.)

I'd never been in a car accident in my 16 years of driving. And, in the span of three months, I'd been in two. What in the world?!

3. This one feels a little silly now but at the time it sure wasn't. I'd met a guy through a total random occurrance. A guy to whom I was surprisingly (since he's not my typical type) attracted. He loved Jesus without being all "religious" or weird. He came from a great family. We had some similar interests. AND, (bonus) no one in my community knew him - which meant I could get to know him without worry that there'd be gossip and drama or that anyone else I knew was interested in him. Plus, he kept turning up as a "match" on the online dating service I was using. Problem: he was a freelance client of mine. AWKWARD. To make this long story short - it turned out we actually did have at least one mutual friend (who was being set up with him by others) whom I'd mentored for years. Though she wasn't interested in him, the entire thing blew up really awkwardly (though he and I never even discussed anything non-work-related or ever even mentioned that we'd been "matched") to the point that, though I'd done good work that he was very happy with and though he had previously mentioned the potential of being hired full-time by his company, he nor his company has ever asked me to work for them again. Fail.

These three specific things - in the midst of all I was going through due to the auto-ped accident - were crushing. I'd always felt really safe and secure at my job (with my co-workers esp) and I have always loved to drive. But after all this, I felt like no where was safe. I felt like I was under constant scrutiny at work, I never wanted to drive again (literally) and I was disappointed that what could have been a good friendship (and possibily more) and/or maybe a new professional opportunity (more in my field) were gone.

I was spinning. Nothing felt safe. There was nothing I could count on in any realm of my life. Nothing made sense. I felt so hopeless...and honestly afraid...with everything in my life so crazy, I found myself just waiting to see what else could/would go horribly wrong.

At one point, I remember sobbing myself to sleep, repeating over and over, "Lord, I know you're not this cruel. You're not cruel. Please show me You're not cruel. Please...."

But, it was through these awful things...and everything related to the auto-ped accident...that He did start to show me just how kind, loving, faithful, protective and present He was.

More to come....

As if I Didn't Have Enough Pulling at Me

2011-12-05T13:57:00.005-07:00

(For context, start here: Part 1 or for the most-recent entry: Part 6)

So, the accident and everything surrounding it should have been enough to deal with, right? Well, it apparently wasn't. :)

Concurrent with that entire mess there were a few other things I was juggling:
1. Full-time job. A co-worker was out on maternity leave from January-March, and, in addition to my normal role, I was covering for 2/3 of her position. My company did bring in a temp who covered the phones for five hours each day...but really, in essence, I did my "normal" role while also managing the temp, ensuring she did everything she needed to be doing while also taking on an entire additional role (covering for the lady on leave entailed becoming the executive assistant to two principals, becoming the project assistant for about 10 billable project, and running/updating our internal company website).

If that wasn't enough, I was also fully in the throws of beginning a transition where I was becoming the company-wide editor and writer. (That was a very very exciting thing to be happening...and something that had been on the table and slated to happen long before all of the maternity-leave coverage.) So, I was figuring out what that looked like and how to balance it, promote myself and my abilities throughout the company, and managing a team for the development of our new company blog, of which I was named editor.

Steep learning curve. Lots of moving parts. Lots of pressure.

2. Family stuff. My father was doing better but still in the throws of what's become a nasty divorce (and actually still isn't over today as I write this).

3. Grad School. I was still taking classes for my copyediting certification at UCSD. (I have now wisely, I think, taken a break from this. I'll pick it up probably next summer....)

4. Small Group. I was still leading a small group alone. Loved it. Still do. Just again - a lot...pastoring a group of 12 people when you're under all of the pressure I was under...wow, it's thoroughly the grace of God that I was actually able to care for any of those folks.

5. Freelance business. I was working with a web design/marketing company, writing all of the text for a plastic surgery website (upwards of 30 unique pages) with constant and regular deadlines. Great opportunity. Just a lot to do.

Whew! Thinking back to all of this as I write this post makes my heart beat just a little faster, remembering just how much was going on and how much pressure I was under. It kinda feels like a major miracle that I came out in one piece!

Court Appearance (#2)

2011-12-05T13:40:00.001-07:00

(For context, start here: Part 1 or for the most-recent entry: Part 5)

The Monday after Thanksgiving, I again geared up for and attended a court appearance. And, again, I was anticipating a quick, painless result. And, again, I was wrong.

Turns out the State still hadn't been able to contact the pedestrian and were asking for yet another continuence. So...once again, I left with no closure, not knowing what in the world was going to happen and where things stood. And, due to the holidays, the next court appearance wasn't scheduled until the middle of January....so I'd have to wait for six long weeks.

2011 Top Things I'm Thankful For

2011-11-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

Late though not forgotten, my annual gratitude list:

The unending, irreplaceable love of my Father
His tenacious commitment to my life, my growth, my healing and my freedom
His advocacy
His protection
His grace
His mercy
His help
His favor
His truth
His victory
His constant presence through a very rough year
Great friends who literally carried me through the last year
God's intervention moment-by-moment, step-by-step through the craziness of this past year
Finally understanding - at least in part - the truth that God really is the end and the most important thing in life, that He is more real than everything else around me (think Stephen the martyr as he was about to be stoned )
The constancy of God's voice
His provision, every time, just in time
A really great and kind lawyer
Not going to jail
Resolution to an unexpected and awful situation
A weekend trip to Santa Fe, NM
The chance to refinance my house for a great rate (with no money due at closing) - which resulted in saving nearly $200/mo
A much-needed, all-inclusive vacation to Mexico
The beach
A new worship pastor at church
And, how I am finally having the opportunity to be trained in worship leading, rather than just figuring it out on my own
A newfound confidence and freedom to lead worship
A newfound confidence and freedom in general
Being told I'm beautiful
And, actually believing it's true
My "little sister"
The opportunity to witness her growing into an amazing, smart, fun, grounded young woman
Letu - the girl I sponsor through Compassion International
Phenomenol new opportunities at work
Unmerited favor from my company's president and board chairman - both of whom trust me, include me on many of their projects, and ask me to edit/write for them
The opportunity to have my name down as "editor" for a book that will be published early next year for my company
The steady growth of my side business, Writing for a CHANGE
The faith that others have in me and my work - enough even to recommend me to their friends
The ability to write and edit
My love for grammar (!)
My church, the Mile High Vineyard
And, the grace God's poured on it and all it's done in the past 10 years
His grace and vision for all that's yet to be done in our city and in the world and the fact that we get to be a part of it
The prayers, sacrifice, tireless work and commitment of my pastors, Jay and Danielle
My small group
Finally having a co-leader for my small group
The risks those in my small group have taken, to get out of their comfort zones and risk for Jesus and His Kingdom
Growth and change in my father even while walking through some really tough stuff
Restored relationship between him and my older sister
My sisters and the fact that no matter how many miles separate us, we're still super close
My fabulous friends, I truly don't know what I'd do without them.
A great new roommate
A car that's still running, at 15 years old and 140k+ miles
So many new recipes to try
Gorgeous red leaves in Denver this autumn
Blue skies
The ocean
Running water
Pumpkin Spice Lattes
Wine, especially my new favoriate, Malbec
An awesome birthday retreat with friends - it was an oasis in the middle of a terrible year
First dates
Being okay with no second dates
Internet dating - the experience has been invaluable, even if no long-term relationship has resulted yet
Being seen
Being cherished
Not being desperate for love and/or attention anymore
Not settling
Hope
Faith in God's promises
The willingness to wait for HIM to bring His promises to pass
Laughter - the deep, from the belly kind
Not fitting into my clothes anymore
Provision to buy clothes in smaller sizes
Friendships that endure the test of time and distance
Skype
Change
Seasons - for their beauty alone and all they represent
My niece Kristin and the amazing, talented woman she's becoming and her vast amount of common sense
My niece Natalie and the sweet, faith filled little girl that she is
Travel
The diversity of the world and even of my city
Candles
Beauty in unexpected places
The majesty of the Rockies
And, that I get to see their majesty every day
Living somewhere where there's 300+ days of sunshine each year
Happy Hours
Great deals at stores
New recipes
The Bible
Inspired authors
Others' courage and examples to me in so many areas and ways
Gratitude
And, how it changes everything
Forgiveness
Truth
Peace
Rest
Drama-less living
Salvation

A Warning Meant to be a Blessing (?)

2011-11-14T14:49:00.002-07:00

(For context, read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4)

During everything that'd happened up until this point, I was pleading and wrestling with the Lord on a daily (if not hourly or minute-by-minute basis). Praying for the pedestrian. Praying for myself. Questioning. Wondering. Crying. Researching. Anxiety and unrest were my closest companions.

Self-pity would set in at times (Why me? I'm a good person. What'd I do to deserve this?) and the Lord's constant answer was only: "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:45).

Not the answer I had been hoping for.

Then, on one specific day, seemingly out of the blue, I got an email from a church friend. She didn't know anything about the accident (or the issues surrounding it) as I had really tried hard to only tell those people closest to me. Her email said something along these lines:

I think I had a dream about you last night - and I think it was from the Lord. I have no idea what's going on in your life so maybe this is completely off base...but maybe pray about it and see if it makes any sense for you? I just felt like the Lord said that you're about to enter a season where it feels like He's stripping everything away from you...but that really, He's not...that what is going to feel like extreme loss will actually result in your knowing Him and His love in a deeper way.

Um. Intense? (I know it seems strange but I really do believe that God can speak today and sometimes does so through others in dreams.)

When I first read her message, it definitely felt true and resonated in my heart. But, in the moment (and the weeks to come), I mistakenly believed that what He was "stripping away" had already been stripped away - ie, that what had already happened as a result of the accident was as intense as it was going to get.

Again, little did I know.

A Curve Ball

2011-11-14T13:53:00.001-07:00

(For context, read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3)

A day or so after my first court appearance, I received a call from my insurance company.

To make a very long story just a bit shorter, the pedestrian - who was deemed completely okay by the ER doctors at the hospital on the day of the accident - had hired an attorney (a well-known one in town....one of those slimey, ambulance-chaser types you see on TV commercials late at night). Through her attorney, the pedestrian was contending that she had a trumor on her brain - a traumatic brain injury that was preventing her from working and was requiring around-the-clock medical care. Also, according to this letter, during a follow-up visit to the doctor a few days after the accident, she had had a stroke and passed out in the waiting room - and had almost died.

What in the world?! This all went from a simple situation (again, in my head, she was okay since I'd been maybe going 3 mph before/during the collision and since she'd been released from the hospital the day of the accident with a clean bill of health) to a nightmare. I didn't know what to do or how to do it. I felt terrible for her - I kept saying that it all seemed kinda shady but that if I had, in fact, been to blame for her injuries and they just turned up late, I wanted to do everything possible to help her out. But, the whole situation just didn't feel right. I was scared, angry, stressed out, confused and resource-less. What was my next step and my course of action?

The insurance company kept saying they'd do everything possible to take care of the situation. That I had nothing to worry about. That based on the police report and my own recorded statement I'd given them (the insurance company) on the day of the accident, everything would be fine. They'd hire a lawyer. They'd deal with everything. (That was encouraging on the one hand - since I truly didn't know how to proceed...but yet, not so encouraging - what if I was really to blame for her injuries? I wanted to help the woman and not get out of the consequences of my actions on a technicality or because I had a good (slimey) insurance company.)

This all just went from bad to worse.

Court Appearance (#1)

2011-11-14T13:39:00.001-07:00

(For context: Part 1, Part 2)

Thinking my careless driving ticket was just a "typical" traffic ticket, I went to court on the date scheduled completely unrepresented and alone. I wasn't even worried about what was going to happen. I was convinced it'd all work out. The District Attorney would offer me some lesser charge, I'd plead guilty and the whole awful mess would be behind me.

Surrounding me in the courtroom were other "defendants." But, in my arrogant mind, they were nothing like me. People accused of driving under the influence, resisting arrest, drug possession and other related charges. Many of them didn't speak English, were dressed in jeans or sweats, and were obviously repeat offenders. I was a classy, mature woman with a completely clean record having never had more than a speeding ticket before this horrible accident. I fit in more with the lawyers (and at one point was mistaken for one) than I did with my fellow defendants.

But, there I was, in line with the other defendants, one at a time talking with the DA before the judge appeared. The assistant DA called my name and pulled me aside. Turned out that the State was going to ask for a continuence (!) because they hadn't been able to contact the "victim."

(Here's a little explanation that I didn't quite understand until later: my ticket was technically a traffic offense. It had nothing to do with the pedestrian. It wasn't her suing me or charging me with anything - that would come later, ironically enough. Instead, this really was just for the traffic offense of careless driving. BUT, due to the Victim's Rights Act, the DA had to at least check in with the pedestrian and understand his/her physical status as a result of the accident before making their decision on how to proceed with the traffic charge. Yes...a little confusing. But will help as my story of this awful nightmare continues to unfold.)

I was so irritated that the ticket wasn't just settled that day. What an inconvenience! Why was this just dragging out more and more?! But, as I had no choice or control in the matter, I had to accept it. The next court appearance was scheduled for two weeks later - the Monday after Thanksgiving.

The Unimaginable

2011-11-07T13:53:00.002-07:00

(Click here for context)

It was a Tuesday morning. I woke up late for work and thus resigned myself to the fact that I'd have to drive that day (I typically take the bus to work). I rushed around the house and then ran out the door mere minutes before I was due to be in my office.

To bypass one of the most annoying stoplights on my commute, I took back streets. Bad decision - especially since it was raining. I was stopped at a stop sign, looked both ways, inched out a bit past the intersection, stopped again, looked again and pulled out onto the busy main street.

And that's when it happened. A middle-aged woman (who seemed to be a transient refugee or immigrant) ran out in front of me. Truth be told, I totally didn't see her. It wasn't until after impact that I saw her. I absolutey have no idea where she came from. She had run out in front of my car (which was well past the intersection and the corner) rather than going behind my car (since I was already in active motion when she stepped off the curb) to run across the street - I can only imagine she did this to get out of the rain and across the street as quickly as possible.

There are no words to adequately express the emotions I felt at that moment. I jumped out of the car; in front of me, the lady was laying on the street, moaning and screaming and not responding to my questions and concerns.

Everything then became a blur of activity. I was standing in the rain, in shock, crying, trying to figure out what to do. A firetruck, ambulance and multiple police cars arrived. Witnesses who'd been driving by when it happened stopped and tried to talk to me. Someone held an umbrella over me. Paramedics were asking if I was okay. Witnesses were writing down their phone numbers and telling me they saw the whole thing and it wasn't my fault. And, all I can hear is that poor woman crying and moaning on the ground. Shame, panic, shock, fear, desperation and disblief overwhelmed me.

She was lifted from the ground and taken away in an ambulance. One of the policemen asked me to get into the back of his car (only to get out of the rain while I wrote down my statement) and still, all I could do was cry. Sob really. I sent out a mass text to some close family and friends. Called my boss. And, sat in the police car sobbing...trying to write down my statement.

What's crazy about a moment like that is that you have so much adrenaline pumping through your veins that while you're overcome with so many emotions, you're suddenly also acutely aware of everything. Plagued with anxiety, remorse, shame and fear, I was trying to recreate what had happened for that police report...but was acutely aware that whatever I wrote (and didn't write) and how I wrote it would affect me later. I had to remember everything and write it in a way that accurately described the situation without unwittingly implicating myself for something that (even at that moment) I knew wasn't my fault. And, still, even in the midst of that, I couldn't get the questions out of my head - "How was the lady doing? Was she going to be okay?"

The police officer (whose car I was in) was quite possibly the nicest person I'd ever met - so compassionate, so kind, answering all of my ridiculous questions (I distinctly remember asking at one point if I was going to jail that day or at all), putting up with my non-stop tears. I waited in the back of his car for what felt like an eternity (I had to wait for the traffic investigator to come and assess the scene, ask questions, interview witnesses, etc before they could all decide if I should get a ticket and, if so, for what.). In the end, I did end up getting a ticket for careless driving - one of the witnesses said that the pedestrian had indeed stepped off of the curb before I pulled away.

I was finally able to go - being told that I'd have to go to court in a few weeks to sort out the ticket. (And, having heard that the pedestrian was going to be okay...she was alive, had no life-threatening or even major injuries and they'd probably release her in a few hours.) I left in a daze (with the kind police officer driving behind me until I got home - I'm sure I was such a basket case in the moment that he didn't know if I'd be able to make it the three blocks back to my house). I called into work, called my insurance company, called some family and proceeded to cry for probably the rest of the entire day. It was all so scary, confusing and awful.

I felt such shame (I'm a good driver! I care about people! I just hit a person! These things don't happen to me!). I felt such anger (Why'd she run out in front of me when I'd already pulled away from the intersection?!). I felt such confusion (God, why didn't you protect me?! Why'd You allow this to happen? I'm a good person, I'm an upstanding person. Seriously, I try to be so faithful to You - how could You let this happen?)

Those and many other questions rattled around in my brain for weeks. But, I finally worked it out in my head that it'd be all right - that I'd get out of the ticket (esp since the lady was okay) and it'd all be over.

Little did I know.

Hiatus Explained

2011-10-31T13:57:00.001-06:00

I know that my blogging has never really been "regular." I know that. But, there has been a legitimate reason for my absence over the past year. Something that - now that it's fully over - I am at liberty to share. I'm going to try - over the next few weeks - to share the details of what has been probably the darkest (yet ultimately transformative and life-giving) year of my life.

A year ago October 12, I was in an auto-pedestrian accident where I was the driver. While ultimately, everything has turned out fine and life is pretty much "back to normal" now, that one moment began a gut-wrenching, scary, disorienting, terrifying, confusing, unfathomable journey that I don't wish on anyone. And yet...

...and yet, I truly wouldn't change it for anything. I am changed. I am at peace and rest as I've never been in my life thus far. I know my Savior as I've never known Him before.

The long and short of it can be summed up in this quote by David Powlison in Suffering and the Sovereignty of God (as quoted on this blog) (as you read this, read each word and phrase slowly and let the truth of what he's saying really sink in your mind and heard):
"We can make the right answer sound old hat, but I guarantee this: God will surprise you. He will make you stop. You will struggle. He will bring you up short. You will hurt. He will take his time. You will grow in faith and in love. He will deeply delight you. You will find the process harder than you ever imagined – and better. Goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life. No matter how many times you’ve heard it, no matter how long you’ve known it, no matter how well you can say it, God’s answer will come to mean something better than you could ever imagine."

If you'll allow me, I'll tell you my story...

Gaping Wide Open

2011-05-17T16:05:00.002-06:00

I've been doing this online dating thing for eight months now. I'd say the first five were a pointless, hopeless, disappointing waste of time. I wasn't impressed with any of the guys I was "matched" with...and apparently none of them was impressed with me.

But, there's been a lot more activity these last three. I couldn't tell you what changed, really. Most of my profile content is the same. Many of the pictures are the same. And, yet, there are more guys interacting with me. Which is a nice and good thing...but, it's also all getting old in a different way.

I'm growing and changing and learning how to really just date and be out there, that the person I am in my entirety is actually attractive and desirable to other people. This girl hasn't actually had much "dating" experience up til this point so the experience in the "dating" world is really good for me. If nothing else, it's actually helping me realize a few things about myself (read here for more info).

Most recently, I was corresponding with a British man who lives in Aspen. Though we never met face to face, from his emails, he seemed like a pretty great guy. I was actually really drawn to him and found myself getting connected to him...yet, ultimately I had to vote no and end things because he doesn't love or follow Jesus in the same manner I do and need my future mate to.

And, oh, there are so many thoughts going through my head over this one. But, mainly this:

My experience with the Brit was actually really great - in that, it showed me that a mature, successful, attractive man (as opposed to many of the immature guys who typically show interest in me) could actually interested in ME - attracted to me physically and mentally; interested in knowing me as a person, knowing my story, giving me space to be weak and vulnerable and just "be." There was actually one point when I sort of freaked out and I really heard the Lord say, "Just let him enjoy you, Natalie. I created you to be enjoyed...all of you (mind, heart, body, story, interests, past, sense of humor, etc) to be really seen and enjoyed."

And, I started to let him - even in our brief 10 days of email correspondence. I found myself allowing him to enjoy and see some of the deeper parts of me...and could feel the walls of my heart breaking down a little. It was such a glorious feeling to truly be seen and known and enjoyed as I really am. What's funny, though, is that I really didn't attach these glorious feelings specifically to this man...but was simply basking in what it's like for my heart be a bit more open.

But, even as I could feel my heart opening more and even as I was experiencing being seen and enjoyed, I knew that I couldn't continue down this road with this man...specifically since he doesn't follow Jesus like I do. And, that's actually fine with me. It doesn't matter how much it seems that someone sees and enjoys me if he doesn't also share my heart for Jesus and can't see/share that part of my world as well. If he doesn't, he's actually seeing and enjoying an incomplete picture of who I am...which is ultimately, obviously, counter-productive.

So I sit here 24 hours after breaking it off with this specific man and find my heart gaping wide open....longing to be seen and known and enjoyed and cherished. I don't miss him necessarily...but do miss the attention of someone who actually illustrated (at least in part) what it means to have the attention of a real man and have someone really embrace me as a woman...I do miss the glorious feeling of having so much of my guard down and inviting someone into that place in my life and still feeling safe and secure. And, I miss the opportunity of (at least starting to) offer my femininity and beauty and strength and all I am and have to offer to another person.

I realize I don't need a man in my life necessarily for me to stay in that open place....so I'm trying to figure out how to stay here even without a man presently in my life.

But, boy, this brief taste has caused my longing and hope to only deepen and increase....

I'm not very good at this....

2011-05-09T12:49:00.000-06:00

Nothing like stating the obvious...but even I didn't realize it'd been six weeks since I posted anything to my blog. So, here's a bit of a hodge-podge update...

1. Back in October, I mentioned that my small group was beginning a new series where each member would share his/her life story in a way to engage our non-believing friends in the truth, power and love of Jesus. With the holidays and other random things that came up, it ended up being a series that lasted until about mid-January (!) but I think it was really a valuable exercise for the folks in my small group.

First, it gave everyone practice in really gathering up their thoughts and being able to tell their stories in succint, concise, directed ways. For some, they'd never ever actually consciously entertained the idea of "why" they follow Jesus personally and what it is about Him that makes following Him day after day worth it. I loved watching the folks in my small group wrestle with and ultimatley answer these questions.

Second, I can't begin to explain to you the depth of intimacy and the true, deep community that has emerged from everyone's sharing their stories. Everyone's hanging out together outside of our Thursday night meetings; they're (we're) living life together on an everyday, regular rhythm of life basis and I love it! Having everyone share the details of their lives forced us all to push past the superficial and really get to know one another in deep and rich ways.

So, overall, this endeavor was a great success!

2. You may remember that I gave up Facebook for Lent. Well, I have to say, that was another fabulous endeavor! Before Lent, I literally would be on Facebook at every idle moment of the day - while on hold on the phone, while waiting for a document to print or load at work, early in the morning before work, late at night before bed, and many many other moments throughout the day. I was addicted - as silly or unimaginable as that may sound. There was no quiet center to my heart, mind or spirit. I never let myself have a down second of quiet, stillness.

So 40 days away from Facebook was about the best thing I could have done for myself in this season of my life. The stillness that replaced the constant information feed in my brain has been invaluable. I feel grounded, centered, settled and no longer addicted to Facebook. I'm back on it (occassionally) without feeling the desperate need to get on to find out what's gone on in my absense. And, I've also come to realize that there really wasn't anything all that life-alteringly important on Facebook anyway... :) I didn't miss much while I was away from it!

So, there's an update on a few items going on my life. There's (of course) lots more...maybe I'll actually take the time soon to write about some of it! :)

Another kind of update

2011-03-29T00:18:00.000-06:00

It's been months since I've said anything on here about my relationship status. Forgive the lack of posts regarding my online dating experiences - I've not been holding out on you. There's really been nothing worthwhile to update you on. Apart from the older (15+ years older than me...sorry, that's just a bit too old for me - I want a peer, not a father) men and the guys whose first emails/contact with me simply and only say something like "hey, baby, wow...you're hot." or "hey, baby, I took the day off from work and am building a fire at home today. Want to join me for a footrub? I give great footrubs" (really?!), there haven't been too many people who've made me think twice. Apparently, I'm picky. Actually, I'm proudly picky. :)

But, at any rate, there have been a handful who've slipped through my intense scrutiny. And, in the past month, I've actually gone on a couple of first dates.

At 32 years old, I've only gone on two first dates. Two. And, they've been in the last month. (I have dated before...but typically we've been good friends before we started dating. Here, I'm talking about actual or nearly actual strangers.)

Notice, I said "first dates." Which, in this case, implies that there will be no second date with either. Both were supremely pleasant times spent in conversation with an interesting and attractive person. But, ultimately, during both, I and my companion realized that we were not a right fit for the other.

Ah, whatever, chaulk it up to a fun experience and in learning what I like and don't like, right? Yes. All true.

But, these two somewhat arbitrary and potentially pointless encounters have actually really taught me a lot about myself. I was able to carry on conversation (nearly three-hour long dates with each) without much awkwardness. I was comfortable with myself and curious about my companion. I wasn't insecure or full of self-doubt when he mentioned how atheletic he was or how much money he had or how much he traveled or what his family was like or whatever. I actually felt confident. Not questioning if I was good enough or pretty enough or witty enough or thin enough or came from a good enough family or whatever. Truly feeling like I was worth being pursued and enjoyed by him. That I had a right to be in that room, on that date, at that moment.

That that's a huge milestone for me is an understatement. But, it goes further.

I felt confident and comfortable in and of myself period. I didn't feel confident because of the attractive guy I was with...or frankly because an attractive guy chose to spend some time with me and found me at least moderately interesting.

And, I still felt completely confident and comfortable when it was obvious while on those first dates that there wouldn't be second dates with either. For the first time (that I was conscious of anyway), I didn't feel rejected. I didn't feel like something was wrong with me. I didn't feel like I needed to change for him to like me more or choose me. I have become so comfortable with myself that I could honestly acknowledge that I'm not the right fit for either of these guys.

But, moreso, I was able to also acknowledge that they're not the right fit for me either - and that that's okay. I'm not too picky. I don't have to change my desires or interests or attractions to match some man just because he happens to be interested in me or in my desperate pursuit of being loved.

I think the point here is that I'm no longer desperate. I'm not willing to settle in order to feel loved. I am at rest and know I'm seen, known and loved by my Father. And, I know that in His timing, I will be seen and known and loved by a man that I too see, know and love. Our relationship won't be perfect...because neither of us will be perfect. But, it will be good. It will be right. For us.

Maybe not much of an interesting update/post for you. But, for me, this feels like the beginning of something monumental. I'm not sure when this change happened. It was subtle. It was subconscious. I think it's actually something that happened a while ago...but I'm just now aware of it. But, it's just another further evidence of the great, deep work that the Father is doing in me. It's just another evidence of the deep peace and healing He's brought to my soul and my heart.

I'm desperately grateful.

Being Squeezed

2011-03-22T13:57:00.004-06:00

I've followed Jesus long enough to know that there are peaks and valleys to life and to my journey following and serving Him.

Last year - even with some big stuff going on in my family (see here and here) and with challenging things at work - was definitely a mountain top year. I had NEVER experienced the freedom and joy that I experienced in every area of my life and heart as I did in 2010. It was a banner year.

With almost three full months of 2011 now past, I can easily say 2011 seems like it's going to be a valley year (though I hope it doesn't actually last all year). I'm being squeezed in virtually every area of my life. It's ~~hard~~ excrutiating. It's unnerving. It's scary. It's risky. It's unsettling. Yet - while desperately longing for this valley to be over already or to be able to push the "fast forward" button right now - I can already see the beauty that's emerging in and through me as a result.

The details of what's going on don't matter. But, suffice it to say that back in November a friend from church emailed me to say that she had a dream about me. A dream where she felt like God was telling her to tell me that He was going to be bringing me into a season of deepening with Him - that it would feel like He was taking from me but in fact would be giving me more of Himself.

And, it's happening. I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating when I say this is THE most unnerving season I've ever walked through in my life. I've found myself in situations I would have never imagined being in in a million years. The places and activities where I've felt the most safe have been rattled and rocked. Old pain - thought to have been long healed and removed - has returned. Old fears - also thought to have been long satisfied - have returned. Old questions - long forgotten or believed answered - are bubbling up from my innermost parts, begging to be answered and satisfied. I'm confused. Rattled. Unsure. Exposed. Vulnerable. Without recourse. Helpless. I feel like I'm being stripped of everything.

Yet....

Yet, I'm more rooted in God than ever before. I'm more sure of who He is in my life and how He comes through for me. More dependant than ever before. More aware of His love, intervention, protection, faithfulness, direction, plan, hope, grace and mercy than EVER.

I'm not sure if it's possible to truly feel like I'd do anything to get through this season more quickly and yet to also truly feel like I am more grateful for this amazing opportunity to connect with Him at a deeper level than I can express. But, it's true. I can already see the deepening happening. I can already feel it. I'm already experiencing it.

He's calling me to HOPE when it seems all hope is lost. He's calling me to TRUST when circumstance would say otherwise. He's teaching me that He's faithful - truly, literally FAITHFUL - in the exact moment I need Him to be...not a moment before or a moment after. And, really, as much as the planner in me would prefer to know things before I need to, I'm learning to not despise this new way of living and working...yes, it's unnerving and scary...but actually moreso, it's secure and safe.

I'm not saying that I like this season. I surely don't. But, I don't hate it either. And, even though my heart's beating a bit faster as a type these words, I know that whatever else will come at me in this season will be okay because HE's with me.

These are the words of life I know the Lord spoke to me this morning (emphasis mine):

¹ Praise the LORD.^[b]

Blessed are those who fear the LORD,
who find great delight in his commands.

² Their children will be mighty in the land;
   the generation of the upright will be blessed.
³ Wealth and riches are in their houses,
   and their righteousness endures forever.
⁴ Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
   for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous.
⁵ Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely,
   who conduct their affairs with justice.

⁶ Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
   they will be remembered forever.
⁷ They will have no fear of bad news;
   their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
⁸ Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
   in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
⁹ They have freely scattered their gifts to the poor,
   their righteousness endures forever;
   their horn^[c] will be lifted high in honor.

¹⁰ The wicked will see and be vexed,
they will gnash their teeth and waste away;
the longings of the wicked will come to nothing. (Psalm 112)

Lent and Facebook: An Update

2011-03-22T13:01:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm nearly two weeks in on my fast from Facebook. And, I'm barely missing it.

I will admit: the first few days were really tough....more because I was so used to filling up the space between events, meetings, conversations or before bed with some useless and brainless Facebook surfing than because I actually missed the information, status updates and pictures from my friends. I've been able to keep connected in other ways with the people closest to me and am really enjoying the space in my life (mind, heart, spirit, psyche) as a result of being disconnected from the constant flurry of (sometimes useless) Facebook information. I have missed some birthdays (that I've classicly relied of Facebook to keep me aware of) and some important life announcements from friends...but really, I just end up being a few hours or days behind. Eventually, I hear about everything....

I've also stopped listening to the radio in my car. The only sounds coming from my car speakers are (occassionally) worship music streamed in through my iPod. Otherwise, every car trip is full of blissful silence. (I was driving in someone else's car the other day and she had the radio on - and it was a shock to my senses! I had forgotten that most people listen to the radio in the car!) :)

I find myself praying more, conversing with God more. I'm more aware of His presence in my everyday life and feel much more connected to Him than I have in a while. I think it's an awareness of His constant presence that's been so life-giving.

I feel more still internally - even if life is pretty intense and crazy. (Perhaps that's part of the reason that this fast is so valuable for me right now. I'm not sure I'd be coping very well with some of the craziness going on if I didn't have this forged place of stillness and connectedness. More on what's going on later.)

And, this is all from 13 days of being free of Facebook. I wonder where I'll be and how I'll feel come April 24.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to getting back on Facebook or that there haven't been some moments that I really have almost decided to just get on "this one time." But, except for a few brief moments on one Sunday, I haven't been on and it's wonderful. I'm hoping that even after this fast is over, my patterns will have so drastically changed that I will be able to keep this still place in my heart, mind and spirit and won't go to Facebook to fill in the space, numb myself or escape from life.

Lent and Facebook

2011-03-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, there is a lot from the last few months to catch you up on. Maybe I'll actually be able to tackle those things in the coming weeks.... Hopefully, I'll be able to tackle (at least some of) those things in the coming weeks.

Today is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent - and it leads up to the glorious Easter Sunday on April 24. Since leaving the Catholic Church when I was very small, I haven't actually participated in Lent. I think some of the pain my parents inadvertently experienced as children from some members of their Catholic churches caused them to push away from any sort of liturgical anything...and, that pain bled onto me a bit; being their child, I didn't see the need for Lent either. But, as an adult, I've heard enough about it from friends to make me at least begin to ponder the larger meaning behind this season in the universal church calendar.

And, after pondering and praying, I decided that this would be the year that I actually would observe Lent - in an attempt to intentionally make more room for God in my life.

But, then the next question is: how? How do I participate? What do I choose to give up to make more space for Him?

And, as ridiculous as it sounds, the answer for me is: Facebook. I'm a little embarrassed to even admit this but Facebook takes up far too much of my time each day - whether it's the (constant and regular) brief glances while waiting for a file to upload while at work or it's the time at the end of the day when I need to "decompress" or a myriad of other times throughout my day and week, I'm on Facebook way too much. So, for the next 40 days (save Sundays, which classically aren't a part of Lent), I won't be on there. I won't be filling time or wasting my time on Facebook. I might not even get on there on Sundays either....

This description and commentary on Lent really synthesizes why I am choosing to participate in this age-old practice this year as well as a bit of what I'm hoping to accomplish:
Today is the kick-off day for the 40-day journey to Resurrection traditionally called Lent. Christian communities all over the world use this time to intentionally make room for God in their lives through fasting, praying and special gatherings....

There is plenty of room for believers to love God more—room for us to be caught up in an infatuation with the Holy. Seasons like Lent provide space for us to intentionally do so. I’m not saying we should try to love Him extra in order to make Him love us more—He loves us period, not in response to what we do or don’t do. But loving God back is a natural thing for those who have been deeply touched by Him.

It’s sad to me that American Christianity often takes such pride in being religionless. We put so much emphasis on belief; to be sure, believing is where it all starts—I’m just not sure that believing is enough to make us world-changing, kingdom people. Richard Foster wrote, “In our day heaven and earth are on tiptoe waiting for the emerging of a Spirit-led, Spirit-empowered people. All of creation watches expectantly for the springing up of a disciplined, freely gathered, martyr people who know in this life the life and power of the kingdom of God. It has happened before. It can happen again …”

I'm hoping that the space I create from not being on Facebook so much will allow me to be a little quieter, a little more attuned to the voice of the Father and have more time to focus on other things that are important to me and that God is highlighting for me in this season.

I'll let you know how it goes....

Pursuit of the High Places

2011-01-22T12:19:00.005-07:00

One of my most cherished books is Hannah Hunnard's Hinds Feet on High Places. It's an allegorical tale of a woman named Much Afraid and her journey to the High Places - a place of freedom and of depth of knowledge of the Shepherd Jesus' great love for her. The journey is fraught with uncertainty, detours, suffering, confusion and yet also great peace, hope, freedom and truer perspective and understanding of Jesus than ever before. Over the years, I've probably read it about 15 times...and every time, I find myself square in the middle of one of Much Afraid's struggles or challenges...and every time, I am reminded of how deeply and truly and fully Jesus loves me and of how His ways and thoughts are definitely different than mine...and yet are ultimately much better and richer and truer.

Last night I opened this precious book and read the following in the preface. Though it was underlined by my own hand years ago, it felt like I was reading them for the first time:

"How deeply we who love the Lord of Love and desire to follow him long for the power to surmount all difficulties and tests and conflicts in life in the same exultant and triumphant way. To learn the secret of victorious living has been the heart's desire of those who love the Lord, in every generation.

"We feel we would give anything if only we could, in actual experience, live on the High Places of love and victory here on this earth and during this life - able always to react to evil, tribulation, sorrow, pain and every wrong thing in such a way that we would be overcome and transformed into something to the praise and glory of God forever. As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all the seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, his own lovely character.

"But the High Places of victory and union with Christ cannot be reached by any mental reckoning of self to be dead to sin, or by seeking to devise some way or discipline by which the will can be crucified. The only way is learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by a continually repeated laying down of our own will and acceptance of his as it is presented to us in the form of the people with whom we have to live and work, and in the things which happen to us. Every acceptance of his will becomes an altar of sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of ourselves to his will is a means of furthering us on the way to the High Places to which he desires to bring every child of his while they are still living on earth."

I am undone. And find myself terrified of the further "conditions and tests permitted by God" that I am experiencing/will experience and yet desperate to live in those "High Places of victory and union" with Him.

Sovereignty and Timing

2011-01-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

God's been speaking to me a lot lately about His Sovereignty and really what it means... here are some interesting thoughts:

"Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal [or what you think My goal is], let Me set the pace. Slow down and enjoy the journey in My presence."

"...The extreme of total sovereignty shows God to be an insecure God who makes His creation love Him. The total free choice extreme puts God in a box or on a leash and doesn’t let Him be God. However, in my limited knowlege, I believe that in God’s total sovereignty, He gives us free will to choose Him or not choose Him. Understanding that, then we have the choice to allow Him to operate in our everyday lives. He wants control, but He won't demand it or force it on us. As we get closer to God, we find that there is freedom in His sovereignty."

"We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. (Hebrews 6:11-12)

All things more easily said than done...but I'm praying and trying to be a person who leans into God's sovereignty and rests in Him and His timing. Hard...but (I'm choosing to believe) ultimately fruitful if I can ever truly be that person.

I was aptly reminded this weekend that "every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:2b). Sort of feeling like I'm in that place right now. Again, hard but hopefully ultimately fruitful. :)

Been here before...

2011-01-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

Years ago, my amazing counselor at the time said something profound that has stuck with me ever since: "Natalie, you know you're alive when you - at the same time - are experiencing the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You can and should be experiencing both simultaneously."

Yup. Sounds about right. There are so many many great things going on in my life right now - friends, family, church, ministry, fulltime job, freelance biz, life. Things are GOOD, in fact, BETTER THAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN.

Yet, things are also hard. Confusing. Frustrating. Scary. Disappointing. Disheartening. And, when hard situations arise (or at least things that seem to detour my plans or ideas), my initial tendency seems to be to focus on the hard and confusing, to focus on the disappointing, rather than being so centered in Jesus that neither the good nor the bad rattles me. But, gosh, that's my desire. I dream of one day not being knocked about by circumstances that are just plain normal for life (good and bad)....

That said, I've been in a bit of a funk the past few days...hit a couple of unexpected and irritating roadblocks and have been fighting the desire to just become numb and cynical, to stop hoping in the face of detours and postponements. I've been trying to cling to the realities of who I know God to be while also allowing myself to be human and feel the things I'm feeling.

As I've been processing, I happened upon past blog entries and realized afresh how I've been here before...I've wrestled with many of the same core questions and issues before (which I think is okay). Yet, here are a few of the profound things I've written in the past that hit me squarely in the eyes this morning:

May 4, 2006 (days before closing on my townhouse):
After coming to the realization that I'm a control freak, I spent the better part of the evening repenting for doubting His goodness and provision, for not trusting Him and mainly, for trying to control everything in my life. It's that repenting thing again...realizing that I'm not God and that I actually make a bigger mess of things than when I rest and allow Him to do it. By the time I went to bed that night, I can't fully explain how heavy a weight had lifted off of me. It wasn't just the repenting but also the realignment (again) with who God is (didn't I do this a few weeks ago?) and genuinely getting to a place where I let go of everything going on in my life. Letting go...not giving up on it all...but letting go, realizing that when push comes to shove, none of these things that I'm holding onto so tightly really matter in the grand scheme of life.

June 29, 2006
Jesus is not the means to another end (job, family, wealth, house, dream, spouse, ipod, name your desire....). He is the End. He is what everything is all about. Obviously, this is something I already knew. But, I think that, at least for me, it's so easy to lose sight of this truth. To get lost in the "I really want THIS HOUSE, THIS GIFT, THIS FRIENDSHIP, THIS OPPORTUNITY, THIS WHATEVER" and then the "But, God, You told me THIS" and forget that every single thing in my life is all really about knowing and loving Jesus more. It's about HIM far more than it's about the specific thing I'm focused in on.
Again, does that mean that we never get the actual things we want? No. But, it does mean that those things are secondary to the journey Jesus has us on to give more of our hearts to Him, to know Him better, to trust Him more and to see Him as He really is. It's remembering that He's doing more than merely the small thing that I'm focused on and whining about at that particular moment.

In closing, I'm trying to hold tightly to this convicting word from a friend, "In looking and remembering all that Jesus suffered and did for us, how can we deny His good intentions toward us - even when it seems otherwise?"

All Set!

2011-01-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

My second semester at UCSD begins on Monday! I'm pretty excited about this semester...let the nerdiness continue! :)

Trying to Get Back to Denver

2011-01-05T20:16:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned, I got stuck in the NYC Blizzard that came the day after Christmas. It's kind of a humorous story (though it was a bit frustrating at the time...) that I thought you'd enjoy... :)

A little background first: I flew into New York City (although my family was celebrating closer to Albany) because the tickets were about $250 cheaper into the NYC. My sister Jessica lives outside of the City so she just picked me up at the airport and we drove upstate the next day. Our plan was to drive back to NYC early on the 26th to catch my flight (that departed at 5pm that evening). That was the plan....but the snow had other ideas... ;)

Timeline:

Saturday
12/25, 8:30pm - I received a recorded phone message from Continental saying that my flight for the next day was already cancelled because of the expected storm (21 hours early).

12/25, 8:40pm - I made my first of about literally about 200 calls back to Continental to find out when I was rebooked and if there was a possibility I could just fly out of Albany instead. I was on hold for 40 minutes before the call was dropped.

12/25, 9:30pm - I kept calling Continental, determined to get a real live person on the phone. After 30 minutes on hold I was dropped again. Then, on hold for an hour and forty minutes, dropped again. Never did actually speak to a real live person that day.

Sunday

12/26, 12:30 a.m. - I finally went to bed after a multitude of calls to Continental ended with my hearing the recording, "Thank you for calling Continental Airlines. Due to unusually high call volume, we cannot take your call at this time. Please try back later or visite our website at www.continental.com." Bleh.

12/26, 7:30 a.m. - I still couldn't get through to a live person so I decided that we should just get in the car and drive to NYC...before the storm began. My uncle and aunt (also upstate with us but having to get back to NYC) decided to leave also and since they live closer to the airport, I decide to head back with them, rather than my sister.

12/26, 12:30 p.m. - I finally get a real person on the phone and get rebooked for a flight to Denver on Monday afternoon.

12/26, 3:00 p.m. - We get to my aunt and uncle's house in Brooklyn just as the snow began.

12/26, 10:00 p.m. - The snow had definitely arrived. This is a picture of the doorway...check out the snow!

Monday
12/27, 8:00 a.m. - The storm finally stopped (we got 20+"!) but it was UBER windy outside! My 2pm flight was cancelled due to both the snow and the wind. I was rebooked for Sunday, Jan 2. What?! After an hour on hold, I finally get someone on the phone and get rebooked for Friday, Dec 31; it was the best they could do but they said I could keep calling back to see if earlier flights opened up.

12/27, 6:00 p.m. - By searching online, I was able to find an open seat on a flight for Wednesday evening. I called Continental and - after an eternity on hold - got rebooked for the Wednesday flight. SCORE! :)

Tuesday

12/28, 10:00 a.m. - I settled into further enjoying the extra and unexpected time with my aunt and uncle as well as get some work done for my fulltime job (the wonders of the internet and being able to work remotely)! Here is a picture of the street two days after the snow stopped. The streets were still not plowed!

Wednesday
12/29, 12:00 p.m. - Already checked in for my flight, I departed for the airport. What should have taken an hour and 30 minutes via public transit took a lot longer. And, here's why:
        *walked to the subway
        *took the one-hour subway to the bus station
        *the bus was running a bit late (I knew that though)
        *the bus finally came and then, when we were only 10 minutes from the airport, we got stuck. Here's why:

*I got off the bus, walked to a more main street and hailed a cab to the airport.

12/29, 3:30 p.m. - I finally got to the airport...only to find that my flight was delayed 45 minutes. And, guess how long my layover in Houston was? You guessed it: 45 minutes. Awesome.

12/29, 8:45 p.m. - I arrived in Houston five minutes before my next flight was supposed to take off. I RAN to the gate...only to find out that that flight was also delayed by two hours. :)

12/30, 12:45 a.m. - I finally, blissfully, arrived at my house. With the time change, I had been traveling for 15 hours by the time I got into my bed.

Heading Back East

2011-01-05T17:30:00.001-07:00

I got to go home for Christmas this year...and by "home" I mean back East to be with my Dad's family.

My cute nephew, Damien

It's kind of a funny thing to call it home though. I mean, given all the changes in my Dad's life, home doesn't even exist anymore. Literally, the house he lived in is no longer our home as it's been rented out until the market improves so he and my (former) step-mother can sell it. And, as such, I only did a very quick stop in my hometown - just to visit my younger sister and her family.

My other cute nephew, Kaleb

So, "home" this year was really back to Upstate New York where my Grandparents and Aunt & Uncle live rather than to the Poconos of Pennsylvania. This year, nearly everyone in the entire extended family (all the aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws and siblings except for two of my sisters and their families) came up as my Grandparents are pretty old now and we're all pretty convinced this may have been our last Christmas with them. And we had a great time. It's always fun to be back with everyone again - especially since these times are becoming fewer and farther between (and my gut says will be even more infrequent once my Grandparents pass away). There are TONS of laughs, a ridiculous amount of delicious food and lots of fun times.

My sister Jessica

I found myself sort of torn though. Being with everyone was great. I really really love my family and, though I know beyond a doubt that I'm supposed to be in Denver right now, I was reminded afresh how much I miss out on by living so far away and desperatly long for there to be a way that I could live in closer proximity to them all. I LOVED getting to spend time with my brothers who are in college. I LOVED catching up with my sisters, my cousins, their new spouses, my aunts, my uncles, my dad and my grandparents.

And, yet, I felt oddly torn. As much as I delighted in being with everyone, I found myself longing to be with my friends in Denver who have become so much more than friends...and quite literally, are family as well. I found myself longing to be in my church on Christmas Eve rather than 2,000 miles away.

My Aunt and namesake

I wonder if this feeling of longing to be in two places at once will ever be satisfied.... I wonder if I'll figure out how to balance having real depth of relationship and sharing of life with all of the people who are so important to me... I wonder if the renewed resolution I have to keep in better constant touch with everyone important to me will actually pan out once life goes back to the daily grind of work, church, life, school and errands. I hope it does.

I will say - as sort of an aside - that this was the best Christmas in recent years in one specific regard: there was no drama. Seriously, people, I don't know if you realize how big a deal that is for me and my family. NO DRAMA. AT ALL. This is landmark! It was so great to see my Dad interact with his family in new ways - and see tangible evidence of all the growth and healing God's done in him this past year. It was fantastic to be able to be in (mostly) one place for the holiday rather than feeling torn between my dad's family and my step-mother's expectations to be with her family. It was just NICE and PEACEFUL and SERENE. Quite frankly, REDEMPTIVE. :)

And, now onto Part 2...I totally got stuck in the crazy blizzard that hit NYC the day after Christmas. It's kind of a funny story...though I did, eventually, make it home. :)

Catching Up...ish...

2010-12-15T13:31:00.026-07:00

Remember how I said that though things were really busy, I was keeping it all balanced and together...and wasn't getting overwhelmed? Yea, so...of course, no sooner do I say that than I start feeling overwhelmed and out of control with no boundaries or margins in my life. :)

But, here I am a few months later having emerged...kind of. December is among the busiest times of the year for everyone anyway and then, when you add work busyness, freelance deadlines, grad school finals and connecting with visiting-from-out-of-town friends...well, it's all I can do to keep my head above water.

I did just finish my first semester back in school...and although it was an easy class, I'm really excited for the break. Now, I can focus on my freelance deadlines (thank the Lord for two long-term clients!) and my biscotti baking (my annual Christmas tradition)! :)

The sucky part of all the busyness of December is that in large part, I end up missing the entire point of the season - and this time it's not even because of all the consumerism and Christmas parties - but simply because of my own contiuous problem with trying to do too much! I even (sadly) forfitted working out the past few days so I could do more...and somehow the lack of working out kept me from sleeping for two entire nights which didn't help the busyness...and now, with a weakened immune system and overworked, tired body, I can totally feel a killer cold coming on. Boo.

I'm trying to keep my eyes set on the coming of Christ...but today, er, this week...I'm not doing very well. :(

One day I WILL learn how to manage all of this...

I pray you aren't stuck in the busyness wheel too and are actually able to focus on the coming Christ and the peace and redemption He brings.

2010 Top Things I'm Thankful For

2010-11-26T14:30:00.002-07:00

A day late...but here's my annual gratitude list:

Unexpected redemption and restoration
Family healing
“Seeing” my mother after 13 years (via pictures/video from my brother’s visit with her)
Realizing afresh how much I’ve been saved from
Realizing afresh how much my family’s been saved from
The way God pursues my heart
The way He brings freedom to pain I didn’t even know I had
The way He redeems brokenness
God’s Protection
God’s Advocacy
God’s Faithfulness
My phenomenol church, the Mile High Vineyard
A job at a company I really enjoy
An upcoming new position at that same company
Bosses at that same company who believe in me enough to let me risk and branch out for this new position
My ability to write and edit
The chance to go back to school to further that ability – inexpensively, online and from an accredited university
Risk
A new business that’s actually taking off (faster than I can keep up)
God’s Provision in unexpected ways
A fabulous roommate
And another new roommate after the previous one got married
A great house
A 14-year old car with low mileage that still runs well
The chance to lead a small group
The amazing, stunning, courageous and lovely folks in my small group
The ability to play the piano and (a bit of) guitar
The ability to sing
The opportunity to be a part of worship/worship leading
The privilege to counsel and disciple others
Watching those people make hard decisions and experience freedom
My own experience of freedom – from shame
Great new friendships
Finally feeling free to be myself around my friends
And, realizing they’ve always accepted me as I am
Deeper intimacy with friends whom I’ve had for years
The ways God orchestrates experiences and relationships
Fresh awareness of how desperately He loves those who don’t (yet) know Him
The crazy ways He works to bring them to Him to know Him
The ways He guards my heart
Proof that He knows my heart better than I do
His promises – that have already come to pass and those that will in the future
Hope in Him and for the future
The unexpected chance to see my cousin Mariel and her husband Matt on our birthdays as they passed through Denver – first time we were together for our birthdays since we were small kids
The chance to see my cousin Chris to get married
The chance to see my cousin Joe and his wife Dana as they passed through Denver
The chance to be a part of my friend Jennie’s wedding
Having two of my sisters visit me for Labor Day
The amazing provision of house sitting while they were here
Getting to show them a bit of my life and why I love my life in Denver
An awesome camping trip this summer with some of my favorite people
Getting to hike and white-water raft on that trip.
Also, getting to experience the awe and gentle beauty of God’s creation
A healing and lovely trip to Phoenix for a worship conference
The crazy amount of laughter we experienced on that trip
A great, healing, redemptive trip to visit my father and see his new life
Seeing some fantastic concerts this year – Mumford and Sons (twice!) and David Gray – in spectacular venues (Telluride, CO and Red Rocks Amphitheater)
The privilege to play the processional for my friend (and former roommate)’s wedding
The ability to cook
Others’ enjoyment of my cooking
My “little sister” via Big Brothers Big Sisters
Seeing her grow into an amazing young woman right before my eyes
My adopted child – via Compassion Int’l – Letu
The humbling honor that my small monthly gift to her is changing her life
Good health
A cheap, two-year membership to a great gym
Actually enjoying working out
The most beautiful autumn I’ve experienced in Colorado
Autumn in general – my favorite season of the year
Living somewhere that does experience four seasons
Living somewhere with next-to-no humdity
Wine
Cheese
Good food
New recipes
Fun breakfast recipes
Coffee
A great new coffee shop
Digital Cameras
Laptops
The Internet
Skype
Facebook
Blogs
Holidays
The snooze button
Flannel Sheets
Lazy mornings
Pedicures
Happy Heart Perfume
Journals
Memories
Happy Hour
Laughter
The NFL
Travel
Rest and Peace
Salvation
Contentment
Grace and Mercy

Holding Back

2010-11-10T12:39:00.003-07:00

I mentioned in a recent post how I went to see my father last week and how redeeming it was. And, truly, it was. But, I found myself - nearly the entire time I was there, being very guarded and reserved. I was hesistant to really share anything that's emotionally near and dear to my heart. I held back from really engaging him where he was at and from expressing how I felt about him or any of the super personal and/or important things God's been doing in my life. And, it REALLY bothered me. I couldn't figure out why I was so withdrawn and afraid to open up. That's not typically me.

As I've been processing my trip and my reaction, I've realized that I still have strong boundaries with him. My dad and I had a very enmeshed, co-dependant relationship as I grew up. But, as I received more and more healing and freedom from my own brokeness, I had to establish really really firm boundaries with him. He didn't quite understand my boundaries and wasn't self aware enough at the time to see that what I was doing was healthy...which made things even harder between us. Combine that with the reality that I had spiritually progressed beyond the man who first pointed me to Jesus (a VERY difficult reality to face as a daughter who idolized her father). And, combine both of those realities with the truth that, more often than not, his words and actions didn't quite measure up. As he made his primary focus trying to please my step-mom (obviously an admirable - and yet in their case, ultimately detrimental - thing), he would admit or commit to something (that would give me hope that he was changing) but wouldn't actually follow through. For all of the things I mentioned about who my father seemed to be (in my most-recent post about my trip to see him), the reason it was such a miracle to witness was because, for many years, he'd been the anti-thesis of those very traits.

Please hear me - I LOVE my father. I'm thankful for how he fought for me and my siblings in so many ways and in so many REALLY hard situations over the years. I'm eternally grateful that he pointed me to Jesus. And, I can credit him with many of the postive aspects of my character. Plus, I know that he's just human, did the best he could in difficult times and has his own pain and wounds to contend with. But, all that said, his actions - intentional and unintentional - had an effect on me. And, as such, I think that I put up what I thought were healthy and necessary boundaries. But, I'm realizing that maybe they've gone too far. Maybe they were too stringent, allowing me to be for more emotionally guarded than I should have been with him.

And, now, as I see his transformation right before my eyes, I long to be open and engage with him. Yet, I'm still tentative. I think I'm just hesistant to believe that the changes I'm witnessing are real or will be long-lasting. It's like I'm testing him or something. Which, I guess, in one regard, is probably wisdom. It is okay to take a wait-and-see approach and allow him to earn my trust back. But, at the same time, I'm so excited to see this amazing miracle of mercy and grace in his life, that I long to be a part of it.

I wonder if finding the balance between openess and boundaries is ever easier or more clear, or if it's always a juggling act...?

God Moves in a Mysterious Way

2010-11-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

Really liking this song by Jeremy Riddle (from his "The Now and the Not Yet" album) today:
God Moves in a Mysterious Way
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm

Deep in unsearchable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings, in blessings
In blessings on your head

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
But trust Him for His grace
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face

His purposes will ripen fast
Unfolding every hour
The bud may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain
God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain

In His own time
In His own way...

Mercy

2010-11-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's been months since I've said anything about the situation with my parents. Purposefully. But, events this past week warrant my giving an update and necessitate my having a chance to process some of what I experienced.

The divorce is all but final. The details messy and disappointing. And, yet, I see a thread of mercy through the entire situation. And, it overwhelms me.

Obviously, divorce is not a good thing. I don't think it's ideal. Nor do I think it was God's ultimate will for my dad and step-mom. But, yet, I see God's mercy in the midst of a bad situation.

My step-mother is effectively out of my life. And, though I'm not going to malign her here, I'd be lying if I said that I'm anything but relieved. There have been good moments over the years, but honestly, life is easier without her in mine.

The real bit of mercy here is for my father though. On the outside, his life is in shambles. He's retired and should be able to enjoy his retirement...resting on all that he's built his life to be over the years. And, instead, he finds himself, at 62, trying to figure out life on his own. Again. To make a new life, in a new city, with a community, alone.

But, he's actually better off than he's ever been.

I went to visit him this past week and I was truly blessed. While I've always loved my father and been grateful for the man he is, we've also had our difficult moments. Difficult beyond just typical father-daughter growing pains. So, admittedly, I was a bit tentative to see how our time together would be. But, I was pleasantly blessed and surprised by my visit.

In the midst of a season that is new, disorienting and lonely, he's doing amazingly well. He's more real and authentic than I've ever seen him. He's softer. Honest. Vulnerable. Open. Self-aware. Genuine. Not trying to prove anything. Not striving. Not defensive. He's got good people around him. He's making really good decisions. He's DIFFERENT.

While I don't think it was God's plan for my parents to divorce, I'm really seeing God's mercy in allowing it. To remove my father from a situation and a relationship that, in truth, was keeping him mired in pride, striving, greed and self was an act of mercy. And, moreso, to allow my father - albeit through a myriad of difficult, humbling situations - to understand the love, grace and mercy of God for him is also mercy. My dad is experiencing a vibrant, vulnerable, safe, real relationship with God and it's a beautiful, humbing, redeeming, invigorating thing for me to see.

My dad has a long road ahead of him in a few different ways, but, I'm so excited to see what's happening and I have so much hope for him - he's got a lot of good in front of him.

I'm so thankful for God's mercy. For him. For me. In general.

New Season

2010-10-26T09:42:00.000-06:00

Forgive the lack of posts over the past few weeks. I've not really had anything earth-shattering to say...but I probably could have come up with something if it wasn't for the crazy new season of life I'm in.

I've been back to work full time since August. But, rather than going back to my former role as simply office manager and receptionist, my role has been slowly expanding. About a month ago, I submitted a proposal to become the firmwide writer and editor and have just found out that it was accepted. The full explanation of that new role will come at a later time (once I fully know what it is) but for now, it simply means I don't have quite as much time on my hands at work. For now, I'm still the office manager and receptionist while slowly adding in new responsibilities as writer and editor. It's exciting. And, I'm busy. I like feeling busy at work. :)

In addition to my full-time job expanding, I did, in fact, start school again. It's just one class - and a foundational grammar class at that. It's actually not hard; it's good to have the refresher (after all, I'm a self-avowed grammar nerd). BUT, it's a lot of busy work - reading and doing all the little assignments. And, it's just the beginning of my studies at UCSD...and I'm sure as I get further into the program, it'll get more challenging.

Then, though I mentioned my intention to put Writing for a CHANGE on the back-burner for a while, I have more clients than I've ever had and lots of freelance work to do (which is a GREAT thing financially as I'm roommate-less for Nov and Dec). But, it also means a lot of work.

So, yes, I'm busy. For some of my longer-term readers, you're probably not surprised by this. I seem to always get myself into these positions of over-commitment. However, this time it's different. I've been managing my time pretty well and, so far, am keeping up quite well without feeling overwhelmed. In fact, I'm still able to lead my small group, counsel some women and help out with worship all the while hang out with friends, have down time, be open to new relationships and have time for Jesus. It's been good so far. But, it does leave less time for contemplating life and sharing it here on this blog.

There have been a few cool things to talk through/share here...so, if I'm really productive these next few days, I'll try to get those things up here!

Telling My Story, Part 2

2010-10-07T16:38:00.002-06:00

While this isn't exactly the way in which I'd share my story with someone verbally, and, if I were to truly write the entire thing out it would quite literally fill up an entire book (which I do plan on writing some day), I think this is a good basic synopsis of why I follow Jesus. Imagine I'm in mid-coversation with someone...

Have you ever wondered why I live the way I do? Why I say I'm a follower of Jesus? Have you ever wondered what the allure was? I mean, we're good friends. You see the way I live my life. We've talked. You know my values and how I fill my time. And, I think it's safe to say you don't think I'm crazy. In fact, I've actually heard you say, "Yes, she's a Christian but she's the coolest Christian I've ever met." So, I know you like me and see me differently from other people who call themselves a Christian. But, have you ever wondered why I live, talk and think this way?

It all comes down to one thing. Unconditional love. I know that sounds super cheesey. But, it's true.

I was raised in what I like to call the "most functional disfunctional family" you'll ever encounter. We're a big, gregarious, fun, caring, classy, crazy bunch - imagine My Big Fat Greek Wedding meets Everybody Loves Raymond. That's us. :) But, within that, amazing atmosphere was lots of pain and disfunction.

My mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was five years old. And, as such, wasn't available to her children in the ways a mother should be. In a lot of ways, as the oldest kid at home (I have an older half sister who never lived with us), I became mom to my two younger sisters and two younger brothers - and pseudo-wife to my father.

My father really did do the best he could - modeling Jesus to us and trying to keep a family together without a stable wife. But he had pain and brokeness of his own - that insidiously seeped into our family culture since so much of our focus was on my mom's illness and its effects on us.

Over the years, we ended up in and out of foster homes a few times (three total that I can remember) and my mother was in and out of mental institutions. Even when we were all under one roof, there was so much pain, so much instability, arguing, chaos and uncertainty that it really wasn't a great place to grow up.

Then, when I was 18, my mother divorced my father and moved away. (And, since then, we've had next to no contact with her...though we've had a general idea of where she was.) My father ended up remarrying just two years after my mom left - and my step mother became the mom my younger siblings never had.

A month after my mom moved away, I also left - to go to college 10 hours away. My freshman year, I was a shell of a person. I was confused, empty and broken. I had always thought that my family was going to be that poster family - you know, the one that can say, "Things were terrible but God healed everything. We're all in one piece and better than ever." But, that didn't happen. Instead, my family was in shambles. And, I was on my own to pick up the pieces of my own life (while still trying to pick up my father's and siblings' as well).

I think each of us bares different effects of that time. But, for me, it was emptiness, confusion and insecurity. I had always been the one to take care of everyone else (mom for my siblings, pseudo-wife for my dad) that I had never really paid any attention to my own needs and desires. I actually didn't think I had a right to anything...but that everyone else was legitimately more important...that my needs didn't matter and weren't allowed to matter. I had gotten my identity from taking care of my family and from overachieving in school. I had always sworn that I wouldn't be a victim of my environment...I didn't want anyone to look at me and say "oh, poor Natalie. She could have been so much more but for her childhood."

So, once my parents divorced, I moved out and my dad had a present and sane wife, I didn't know what to do or where to get my identity from. So, of course, I turned - again - to overachievement. I was going to prove I was lovable and acceptable by how hard I worked, how well I did at everything and how much people liked me. And, truth be told, I did do pretty well. I was very successful in school, ministry, life.

In the 13 years since my parents divorced, I have done some really fascinating and interesting things: gone to and graduated from college, moved half-way across the country, bought a house, started my own business, traveled to numerous countries around the world, built successful ministries at my church and so much more.

But, I'd say the hallmark of my adult years so far has been working through my childhood. And, that's where the unconditional love piece comes in. I actually grew up knowing Jesus...knowing that He died for my sins and that I had eternal life with Him in heaven. And, what's more, the reality is, He was the only constant thing in my life and I knew that. Given my circumstances, I'm pretty convinced that without Him, I'd have become a drug-addicted, strung out mother of 15 kids at this point. (I'm not joking.) But, even with His evident presence and provision in even the most difficult of moments, I didn't really know Him. I still didn't feel loved, known, cared for, seen, understood, acceptable, wanted. My feelings were definitely the product of an absent mother and an emotionally broken father...so they were legitimate in once sense...but, had I really known the Father then like I do now, I'd not have struggled with any of those feelings.

It's taken 13 years to break through the lies that I don't matter, that my value is only in my achievement and that I'm not allowed to have needs and desires. And, it's not because of some self-help book or decision to ignore my pain that I believe I do matter, that my value lies so far outside of my achievement that it's not even funny and that every single need and desire is allowed to be acknowledged (though, maybe not always a legitimate desire worthy of being fulfilled). It's not because I've just chosen to believe that everything's okay.

Instead, it's because of Jesus' love. It's been through a series of big and small major and minor breakthroughs. Moments where the Father showed me His truth, revealed who He actually is and how the truth of who He actually is affects and changes me. Moments when I chose to believe what He said was true about Him, rather than what I thought was true. Moments when He intervened in ways that I can't chaulk up to mere coincidence. I've given my life fully and wholly over to Him...not because it's a security blanket to believe in something or Someone..but because I've interacted with the living God and allowed Him to interact with me. He's shown me that He loves me for me, plain and simple. And, honestly, all that emptiness and confusion is gone. No longer am I stiving to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough, kind enough, rich enough or liked enough. The truth is, whatever I did was never enough anyway...and never truly satisfied all of that emptiness. I was always striving but never satisfied. Now, I'm satisfied and at rest.

And, the brilliant and exciting part is that I get to live in that knowledge, freedom and rest now. It completely changes how I see the world, relationships, experiences, even hardships. And, the greatest joy of my life now is somehow trying to show others in every way I can who God really is, how He really sees them and how desperately and fully He loves them. My deepest desire is for others to know the fullness and freedom of His unconditional love.

Life isn't perfect. My family is still a wreck in a number of ways. But, I'm not defined by any of the circumstances around me. I'm only defined as one thoroughly and unconditionally loved by God. And that changes everything.

Telling My Story, Part 1

2010-10-07T12:58:00.001-06:00

Last week, I mentioned that the new series we're doing at small group is about sharing our stories (of how/why we follow Jesus) with our non-believing friends. We did launch the series last week - more of an apologetic, explaining why this would be a good thing for all of us to do. This week - tonight - I'm actually going to share my story with the group.

I think it's actually quite easy to share my life story - what life was/has been/is like, etc. I have no problem sharing any of that stuff with anyone at any time. But, this time, I'm coming at it from a different angle...or better said, I'm being more deliberate in how I form the story...answering questions like:

What happened in our lives that we chose to give up everything to follow Him?
What is it about Jesus that was so alluring?
Why do we continue to follow and pursue Him?What about the life we live while we're still here on earth?
How does following Jesus change how we live our lives?
And, quite frankly, why should it change how we live our lives?
Why do we want it to and why do we let it?
In a culture that says that all truth is relative and everyone's free to believe what he/she wants to, how do we share all that we've been given by Jesus with others in a way that makes them want to follow Him too?
People can smile and nod, saying something to the effect of "that's great for you" but how do we share Him in a way that makes them say, "wow...I want to know Jesus too"?

So, of course, it just got me to thinking. And, marveling. And standing in awe of the great love the Father has shown to me during every day of my 31+ years. His tender care, persistant love and unending grace. I deserve none of it. He's given me so much...and has delivered me from so much. It's so easy to just take one day at a time and forget the enormity of the work He's done in my life.

It's been three weeks

2010-10-05T21:00:00.001-06:00

...since I posted about "Getting Out There," so I thought I'd give a bit of an update (though, don't get too excited as there's not much tangible or exciting to report yet).

Twenty days into my month's trial on eHarmony and I'm not all that excited about what I've encountered yet...but, I have learned a few things....

The long and short of it is that apparently in a 300-mile radius from my city, there are (at least/so far) nearly 200 guys with whom I'm potentially compatible. Ha. ;) Of those nearly 200 guys, I've communicated with maybe about 10 of them....but the communication hasn't gone much further than a few questions back and forth.

I could tell individual stories about different things I've encountered but it's not really necessary. Instead, here's what I've observed and/or learned about myself:

It's VERY flattering to be noticed by guys. It definitely makes a girl feel good.
While I love children and can't wait to have many of my own (biological, adoptive and foster), I'm DEFINITELY not interested in being with a guy who already has kids. I want to be the center of some guy's world for a while. THEN we can have kids. Relationships are hard enough when it's just two people trying to figure things out...having innocent children in the mix from the beginning only adds to it.
I'm EXTREMELY picky. Of those nearly 200 guys, there are only about five who've legitimately made me stop and think, "hmmm. this guy sounds interesting." And, of the five, ONE has stopped me dead in my tracks. (Unfortunately, that ONE hasn't made any contact with me yet - but I'm actually fine with it but don't feel like going into the details here).
I feel a bit shallow....but, seriously, even if a guy's profile sounds somewhat interesting, if he's not physically attractive to me, there's no chance something's going to work out between us. (And, I'm SURE some of the guys I've been matched with think the same thing of me, and that's FINE.)
If a guy is too eager to talk with me (sending multiple emails before I can even respond to the first one), it's a TOTAL turn off....(unless, of course, I'm really into the guy...which hasn't happened yet). :)
So far, the only guys to initiate conversation with me are exactly the kind of guy I'm NOT interested in. I don't know how to explain it...but so far, it seems like only the super needy, insecure or mousey guys are the ones contacting me. Bleh. Where are the confident, humble, self-assured, normal guys?

Maybe I'm being too picky. I mean, I realize I just said above that I am picky. But, seriously, this is nothing short of disappointing so far. I know I have to be patient...but it's hard when I know exactly what I want and am just not finding it (yet). I suppose it's good to get practice - either talking with guys and to really realize what I want and don't want.... but, again, I already know what I'm looking for and am just not finding it. I don't think I'm being closed minded...I just really think I haven't found "him" yet.
Anyway, it's only been three weeks...but so far, I'm in no better position than I was before I spent the time and money on this silly online-dating website. Not convinced it's worth paying for another month. : (

I Get a Little Stuck in My Ways Sometimes...

2010-10-01T12:07:00.001-06:00

In the small group I lead, we just finished up a study of the book of Philippians. It was a great study that took us all summer and now, we're ready to start the next topic. As I prayed about what to do next, I really felt like we needed to focus on being able to tell our stories to non-believers.

By stories, I mean - how and why we came to follow Jesus. What happened in our lives that we chose to give up everything to follow Him? What is it about Jesus that was so alluring? Why do we continue to follow and pursue Him? I believe there's so much more to becoming and being a follower of Jesus than simply because it's a free ticket to heaven. It's not just about being redeemed from our sins...though, obviously, that's a huge piece. I just happen to think that there's more to it than just that. What about the life we live while we're still here on earth? How does following Jesus change how we live our lives? And, quite frankly, why should it change how we live our lives? Why do we want it to and why do we let it?

We all have people in our lives who don't know Jesus. And, the question that's been rolling around in my heart, head and prayers for months now is: in a culture that says that all truth is relative and everyone's free to believe what he/she wants to, how do we share all that we've been given by Jesus with others in a way that makes them want to follow Him too? People can smile and nod, saying something to the effect of "that's great for you" but how do we share Him in a way that makes them say, "wow...I want to know Jesus too"?

Okay, preaching aside, I actually do have a story to tell. :)

For the past few weeks, I've been praying and prepping for this new small group series. And, have been excited to "launch" it at this week's small group.

During this same time, my friend and co-worker has been trying to gather a group of friends to play volleyball on the same night as my small group meets. (Over the past few months, he's gotten to know quite a few of my friends (and specifically the folks in my small group) because of a MeetUp group that he's a apart of. (That is a whole other story in and of itself...but suffice it to say, this specific MeetUp group is an outdoors group that was formed by some folks in my church simply to do outdoorsey stuff with others - whether they're a part of our church or not. It's not meant to be a way to share Jesus per se...but really just a way for people to hang out with other people doing fun thngs...and if the opportunity arises, to share Jesus with them. I had mostly nothing to do with his meeting and befriending these folks and it's just further proof that God's up to something in his life because he spends the majority of his time with us all now.))

ANYWAY, some folks in my small group (also in the MeetUp group) and I were included in the invitation to play volleyball. I gave him some push-back...explaining that it was our small group night and, while he was welcome to join us, we couldn't be giving up our small group night to go play volleyball.

His response (though he doesn't even understand what our small group does...although I've tried to explain it to him) was that we should all come to play volleyball and then go to a coffee shop to have our small group talk. Again, I shot him down, appeasing him in the end by saying a flimsy, "I'll think about it."

And, that's when I started getting emails from the folks in my small group: "oooh, can we go play volleyball?" "maybe one last fun summer event before it gets cold?" etc etc etc.

If I'm honest, the entire situation had me frustrated. Why was he trying to hyjack my small group (people and night) when I had something so important to talk with them all about? I had everything set up in the way I wanted to do it and here he was hyjacking my plans...and getting others interested in it too. Weren't they (the others from my small group) supposed to think of small group as a priority too?!

So, I called my leader - the person who oversees me and my leadership of the small group. I explained the entire situation to her and asked her if she thought we should a) cancel group to play volleyball or b) say no to volleyball and have our small group. Her answer: why don't you go play volleyball first and then head off to a coffee shop to have your small group talk?

Sound familiar? Yes...that's exactly what my friend said. THE friend who doesn't know Jesus, doesn't understand what small groups are for and just wanted to have some fun playing volleyball.

My leader's response also included something to the effect of, "Natalie, can't you see that this is a win-win? You're starting this series and these are the very people your group is getting to know and love, right? What better object lesson than to go hang out with them, build deeper relationship and then introduce this new topic?"

Hm. She's right. He was right. And, so, that's exactly what we did last night. We played volleyball for a few hours and then those of us in the small group went to a coffee shop to chat.

Sometimes I think God's just up in heaven, watching me and giggling...watching me struggle and be so stuck in my ways when He's actually opening doors and making things a whole heck of a lot easier than "my way" ever would be.

Ha!

This is HARD!

2010-09-17T10:26:00.000-06:00

No I'm not talking about anything in regard to being "out there".... :)

I'm talking about pastoring and counseling. Sometimes you get the privilege of discipling people who just "get it" and really are hungry for more of Jesus in their lives. And other times (like presently, for me), you're pouring into people who say they want change and want more for their lives but, when push comes to shove, they ultimately don't and/or aren't willing to do what it takes to make that change a reality.

I don't pretend for one second that I've got my entire life together and am right about everything. I don't pretend to be the foremost authority on every situation that people encounter. But, God's definitely bred in me some wisdom and insight through everything I've walked through in my life. And, I count it as one of the greatest blessings of my life that I get to help walk others through the tough situations in their lives and attempt to point them to Jesus and His truth in the midst of it. It honestly makes all the difficulties I've encountered and worked through worth it. There's no feeling that compares to realizing that somehow God used me (in all my broken messiness) to help someone else.

Over the years, I've been blessed to mentor, pastor, disciple and/or counsel so many amazing women. And, it's so beautiful to watch them lean into all that God's putting before them and asking of them - even when it's gut-wrenchingly difficult - and finally embrace the goodness and great love God has for them. It's stunning to watch lives transform right before my eyes, as they receive healing and freedom and love in the deepest of places...and to see the perspective and priority change that comes from that healing, freedom and love. I LOVE those moments. I LOVE those women.

And, I have some super amazing women I'm pastoring right now. But, I'd be lying if I said it was easy. This is the first time in my life where every single one of the women I'm mentoring/discipling is aware but not willing. They want change. They're aware of their brokenness. They're aware there's more. But, at the end of the day, they're stubborn or lazy or doubtful or unwilling or skeptical or unwilling. It's as if they really want things to change but don't think they need to do anything to change their circumstances. That it's everyone and everything else that needs to change and that everything they're feeling and doing is completely justified. There's an element of truth in what they're saying....but more distorted truth than actual truth. And, it's just so frustrating.

It's not that I need to be right. It's just that I believe there's just so much more for them. I see their pain and hear their heart's desire for more, for change. And, it's just so unbelievably sad and disappointing to see them struggle when they're being offered a way out. I've had three of the most irritating and disappointing pastoral meetings these past two weeks...and it's irritating because I just want so much more for them than they want for themselves.

At the end of the day, I don't feel responsible for them. I don't think I need to be the one to change them. They're going to do what they're going to do. I can't control them. Nor do I want to. I just wish they were truly hungry, truly desperate for the abundant life that could be before them. Truly willing to say no to the temporary, temporal, shallow things and say yes to the hard - but ultimately better things.

It's just painful to watch them all choose to learn the hard way....

....and also reminds me of how the Father must feel pretty often toward me - loving me where I'm at, seeing the pain/brokenness I carry, offering a way out and having to watch me choose the hard way before finally surrendering and saying yes to Him. He's just so much more gracious and patient than I am most of the time...oh that I could be more and more like Him....

Getting Out There

2010-09-15T15:05:00.001-06:00

Okay, first of all, don't get used to a new post every day. If you've been a reader for more than five minutes, you know that my posts tend to come in waves....and it could very well be weeks before my next post. :)

But, at any rate, here's my third post of the week. :)

To make a long story short, I basically went on a rant to a few friends the other day that there are just no available men in my life. Sure, there are great guys...but no men and no one I'm truly interested in. And, most definitely, no one pursuing me. One friend, T, told me to get on eHarmony - to which I vehamently refused, saying that I'd made a pact with myself not to get on there unless I was 35 and still unmarried. Another friend, S, said to go a little more low-key and just get involved in some Meet-Up groups that do things I'm interested in.

I pondered and checked into both a bit...and somehow ended up signing up for eHarmony (but still not paying for it). I will admit that I appreciated the personality report I got back. It was a) dead accurate and b) something I was actually quite proud of. I think that whoever ends up with me is getting one darn great catch! But, although I liked the report, I was still hesitant, resistant and skeptical. There's a huge part of me that feels like getting on a dating site is, in fact, an indication that I've lost all hope and/or am extremely desperate (ie - what's wrong with me that I have to go online to find someone rather than meeting in person somewhere? etc etc etc. But, the truth is, there really aren't any elegible, noteworthy guys in my circle so I've got to figure out ways to get outside my circle.).

But, anyway, as I'd been signed up but not paying for eHarmony, I get the "matches" that it finds. I can't see pictures of the guys but I can read their profiles. Some of them are definitely 'no-gos' but others have at least piqued my interest. And as the days go on, I keep going back and forth about whether I should, in fact, dish out the money to do this thing that feels silly and desperate but potentially interesting.

The reason I feel doubly weird and have been questioning this whole thing is because of a word the Lord gave me years ago. I was whining about not knowing where/how to meet a guy and He told me to read the first two chapters of the book of Ruth. And, that's when I saw it - rather than the commonly known story of Ruth laying herself before Boaz to get his attention, it turned out that Boaz saw Ruth first. As she was in the fields, he saw her and told his workers to leave some grain behind for her to gather. HE SAW HER FIRST. And, the Lord spoke to me in that moment, that I'd be going about the normal things of my life and the man He has for me would find me. It was such a comfort and something I've held onto for all these years...and part of the reason I haven't really tried to find anyone.

So, this week, I've really felt stuck in the middle. Realizing that neither what I've been doing for years (just sitting back, waiting and doing nothing) and what I tried to do this week (getting on eHarmony means to take matters into my own hands) is working. The reality is, something's got to change...what I'm doing right now isn't working. Yet, in the end, God's really got this whole thing figured out and has a plan. Whoever "he" is will enter my life just when he's supposed to.

While in the midst of wrestling through this stuff , that 'random' call came yesterday. And, in the end, I wasn't trying; I wasn't looking for new work. BUT, I did have a website out there to be found. Even if I wans't actively looking for work, the info was out there waiting to be found by the right pursuer. To correlate it with the 'guy stuff,' I had been asking the Lord to speak to me about what to do when the call came about the potential project so I really think it was a message from Him. A message that I don't need to be the pursuer...but I need to be "out there" somehow.

So, I'm out there. I'm officially on eHarmony (found a promo code so I paid 1/3 of what it normally costs per month) for one month and have joined a few Meet-Up groups. I'm not intending to initiate anything....but if someone wants to contact me, I totally will respond and lean into it...if for nothing else, for the experience. I'm not holding out hope that the first guy who contacts me will be the man I marry....but I'm open to just having these experiences. We'll see what happens.... :)

Things that make you go "hmmmm......"

2010-09-14T15:42:00.001-06:00

As you know, I went back to fulltime at my "regular" job about six weeks ago and have put my efforts to build Writing For a CHANGE on hold for the time being as I go back to school to pursue a copyediting certificate from the University of California, San Diego.

Well, the truth is, Writing for a CHANGE is just mostly on hold. I am trying to do a few projects here and there to keep my name out there and to bring in some extra money. But, with my fulltime job picking up (not just in literal hours at my office but also in terms of tasks and responsibilities), it's been a little difficult to do any marketing or reaching out. Basically, I'm not currently actively pursuing any sort of extra work...if I get a small project, it's mainly because the client has come to me.

With all that background aside, for the past few days, I've been just thinking about some of the expenses coming up this fall (plane tickets for two - maybe three - separate trips, Christmas gifts, weddings, baby showers, bridal showers, etc) and how it'd be nice to have a little extra cash to pay for those things. I haven't been stressing about money but really, simply thinking about the situation...and thinking that it'd be nice to get a few extra clients/projects but that I have no way of getting any.

Add to that the literal truth that though I have a website out in cyberspace that does advertise my business, it's not easily found or searched for (case in point: in a simple Google search of "Denver Copyediting" or "Denver Copywriter," Writing for a CHANGE doesn't turn up in the first five pages of results for either search....I'm working on that (though that's an entirely different topic for another day).)

ANYWAY, yesterday I get a call on my cell phone from an unknown number. Typically, I don't answer those calls...but for some reason I did yesterday. And to make this long story somewhat shorter, the person on the other end said that he was from a local web design and marketing company, that he found the Writing for a CHANGE website and that his company is looking for a freelance copyeditor/writer. He admitted that the entire thing probably sounded a little weird and random as he was just cold-calling my cell phone - so he gave me a bit of a brief history of the company, the company's website, the website for his personal side business as well as a brief caviat to say that he had been a missonary kid growing up and that this company is a family-run business full of other Christians (I think he felt safe mentioning that because he saw some of the work samples I have posted are from my job with Kingdom Building Ministries).

After our conversation, he also emailed me a brief description of the kind of work they're looking for and it looks perfect. We're going to meet next week to discuss if working together would be a good fit (specifically since I do still have a full-time job that I intend to keep for a while longer).

Anyway, it's just one of those crazy things that I can only attribute to God's tender care for me. I didn't even pray about this extra money or this extra work....it was just a passing thought combined with the reality that no one would know my company exists since I haven't done a good job of marketing the website, etc. Kind of fun to be reminded that God's bigger than my thoughts, my limitations and my concerns. Kind of makes me go "hmmmm...."

End of the Summer Fun!

2010-09-13T13:20:00.000-06:00

Summer has definitely gone out with a bang here in Denver. Such a fabulous summer was punctuated with two fabulous occurrances: a fantastic concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater (David Gray and Ray LaMontagne) and the 2nd Annual Sisters Labor Day Weekend.

Tiffani and me!

Me, Becca, Nicole and DJ

Most of the group that went (Tif, me, Becca, Nicole, Chris, Danin, Manda,
Melanie, Diane, Lauren, Daylene, Jerad)

View of the stage (with the city of Denver in the background)

David Gray

Sisters!!! Nikki, Jessica and me in Vail, CO

Confluence Park, Denver, CO

Summer Fun!

2010-08-19T09:44:00.003-06:00

It struck me the other day that I actually haven't left the state of Colorado this summer...and yet have had the best summer!

First, it was off to Telluride to see Mumford & Sons.

Then, camping and rafting near Buena Vista.

Then, my dear friend Jennie got married! We had girls nights, lots of wedding prep and a wonderful actual wedding day for my Jennie and her new, fabulous husband Mark.

And, next week - just as summer "officially" ends, I'm off to what's sure to be an amazing concert at Red Rocks and then hosting two of my sisters who'll be here for Labor Day weekend.

LOVELY. :)

Why Aren't You Married Yet?

2010-08-17T16:55:00.003-06:00

It's no joke...I'm sort of sick of this question. And, I've had it posed to me twice in as many days.

The first was from a well-intentioned, married acquaintance...who was trying to be funny. He found out that I really like football...and specifically the NFL...and the next words uttered out of his mouth were, "WHAT? How are you not married yet?"

I somehow stammered an answer of "I guess I'm just picky...."

Grrrr....

Then today, someone I've not seen in about four years walked into my office. Someone who almost asked me out four years ago before essentially diappearing. (It's not nearly as interesting as it sounds....he worked for a vendor of ours, would flirt with me every time he stopped by, was on the verge of asking me out, and then stopped coming to the office.) Anyway he's back in town (apparently he'd moved to Iowa to be with family but is now back in Denver), back working for that same vendor and, though no where near as forward as in years past, started flirting with me again. And, of course the questions arose: "Married? Kids? No? How could that be? Why not?"

This time I stammered an answer of "Guess I've not met the right person yet...?" (yet, if I'm honest, I would go out with this guy if he were to ask...even all these years later...)

I think the reason these questions are irritating me so much is because I'm starting to ask the very same question. For the first time in my life, I truly truly feel like I have my "stuff" together (as much as I possibly can, anyway), I really like who I am, I'm content with my life (most days) and I'm moving forward in so many areas of my life. The missing piece seems to be a life companion, a partner, a husband to walk through life with. Here I am, still waiting.

I'm not bitter. And, actually, not really that impatient (althought it probably sounds differently to you). I know that God's got a plan and that His timing is perfect. And, I trust Him - completely. But...I just feel ready. I'm think I'm ready (maybe...). I'm ready and hoping to have some sort of better answer to that stupid question sometime soon......

It's been 13 years...

2010-08-17T15:56:00.004-06:00

....since I've heard my mother's voice or seen her face.

Thirteen years.

That's a long time...actually just a few years shy of HALF of my life ago.

But, now that's all changed. Sort of.

Technically, I still haven't seen or heard her myself. BUT, my brother did see her a few weeks ago. And, he shared with me the pictures and video he took of his time with her.

Back story: My mother has been mentally ill for over 25 years. In 1997, legally certified as being mentally ill, she divorced my father and moved away. We've had next to no contact with her all these years...but have had a general idea of where she was. Three years ago, one of my sisters tracked her down in her group home and actually spoke with her for about 10 minutes. And, other than a few random - and completely indiscernible - letters over the years, that's all the contact we've had with her...until my brother sought her out and she allowed him to spend an entire hour with her.

In those 13 years, I've gone to and graduated from college, moved half-way across the country, bought a house, started my own business, traveled to numerous countries around the world, built successful ministries at my church, worked through many of the painful issues surrounding my childhood and have done so many other things.

Thirteen years is a long time.

Yet, as I looked at the pictures and as I watched the videos that my brother sent, everything of my childhood came flooding back. I remembered just how chaotic things were. How unstable. How illogical. How frustrating. How unsafe. How unpredictable.

And yet, it was also somehow different. Looking at my mentally ill mother as an adult offers an entirely different perspective than the one offered from the eyes of a child or teenager. Yes, I remembered all of the chaos, instability and unpredictability of my childhood. But, that was in tandem with the very present reality that hers is a life that's become so much less than it formerly was or was meant to be. And it made me really, really, really sad...for her.

Everyone always tells me that I'm just like her. I DO look remarkably like her. But, apparently our personalities were really similar as well. And, when I think of who I am - and that I actually like who I am - I become even that much more sad for her. Instead of the vibrant, vivacious, intelligent, compassionate woman she once was, she's now an empty, cold, essentially homeless woman without direction, goals or family. Her illness has stolen all that was her life - from her and from us.

I can't quite wrap my head around it all. These 13 years have allowed the reality of what once was (for me) but what still is (for her) to fade into the background. But, seeing her face and hearing her voice...even hearing her babble on and on in perceived nonesense...brought it all back. But, this time without the animosity toward her nor the feelings of responsibility I once had to hold our entire family together and/or to fix everything. Instead, feelings of sadness for her (for finally seeing her as a person from whom an illness has taken so much) as well as enormous amounts of gratitude to my heavenly Father for all He's done and all He's given to me.

A few days ago, I posted a status update on Facebook that read: Every once in a while, there are those days that profoundly impact you and remind you how difficult and intense life used to be, how much you've been delivered from and what you now would be without the love and intervention of Jesus. Today's one of those days...and brings with it profound, earth-shattering feelings of gratitude and unworthiness....and HOPE for what could be, for what WILL be, someday soon.

And, that's still how I feel. I'm eternally grateful for all that God's done...and hopeful for what He will continue to do in my life...and in my mom's.

Who knows what another 13 years will tell...?

Undone

2010-07-31T22:16:00.003-06:00

This has been quite a busy week. Lots and lots going on - not the least of which is the wedding of one of my best friends tomorrow night. It's been a wonderful and chaotic few days.

But, yesterday, in the midst of (and maybe adding to) the chaos, I agreed to be on the worship team for one session of a conference that my church is throwing this weekend. While I wouldn't miss the wedding for the world, it does quite stink that the conference landed on the same weekend as the wedding. I so wish I could have attended both events....

And, so, anyway, I agreed to help with worship for one of the sessions, really just thinking that I'd be helping the worship team out and that it'd be my one chance to see at least a bit of what was going on at the conference. I had no idea of knowing just how blessed I'd be.

It may sound awful, but, as good as the conference session itself was, that wasn't the best part for me. It's not what blessed me. Yes, the worship was lovely. Yes, the teaching was fabulous. Yes, it was an honor to be helping lead worship and to get to pray for some folks at the end of the session. But, the best part of me was a simple conversation and prayer.

At the end of the session, I took a moment to thank the guest worship leader for a great talk she'd done a few nights before and for the fun it was to work with her that morning for the session. It'd really just been so refreshing to have the interactions I did with her throughout the week and I wanted to let her know that.

One thing led to another though, and soon I was in tears (the good kind) and she started praying for me. Now, mind you, at this point, I'd known this woman for roughly 48 hours. She knew little, if anything, about me...other than I was once the worship pastor of my church and had stepped down to pursue some other ministry opportunities. That was it.

But the prayer she prayed, and the insights she had into my heart and situations I've encountered over the past few years, absolutely stunned me. There's no way she could have known about the things on my heart like that. No way. And, so, I'm 100% convinced her words, insights, prayers and compassion came straight from the heart of God. She, as wonderful as she is, was just the beacon through which God revealed Himself and His love for me.

I can't explain how thoroughly undone I was (and still am) by His great love for me. His knowledge of who I am, of the things dear to my heart, of the pain I still carry about some stuff and His promise of restoration and healing. Wow. There really aren't adequate words.

But, perhaps there shouldn't be. Maybe I can't articluate this amazingness simply because I shouldn't. Maybe this is something that has profoundly blessed and changed me and yet shouldn't be shared with the world but instead, remain a personal and intimate moment between me and my Father in heaven.

Ahhhh, my prayer for you is that you have these amazing intimate moments with the Father too and that they undo you in the best possible ways as well.

Postponement

2010-07-27T14:31:00.003-06:00

You may remember a few months ago when I shared all those posts (here and here) about new vision, starting my business, getting a paycut, etc etc etc.

Well, there are updates! As of July 15, everyone in my office is back to full salary! And, let me tell you, that great news couldn't have come at a better time! I had steady clients for a most of the last six months but just recently, things got a little slim and I prayed that God would somehow provide for me. I'd say this is a GREAT answer to that prayer!

But, of course, going back to full time at my office job warranted some decisions on my part:

would I choose to accept the offer to go back to full time?
what happened to my business if I did?
what happened to my finances if I didn't?
what about the dream that inspired the business in the first place?

After much praying and conversations with wise friends, here's what I've come up with:

I'm going back to full time at the office so that I can get back on track with my finances
Saying "yes" to my fulltime position is NOT saying "no" to my larger dreams and visions
I'm still going to work to grow my business. Writing for a Change DOES and WILL continue to exist. But, I'm just going to build it wisely as opposed to frantically.

So, you may be asking, what does it mean to be growing my business wisely?

Well, I'm glad you asked! ;)

Since I have my fulltime job and pay back, I'm not as frantic about getting projects/clients simply to pay the bills. I'll still be accepting projects and new clients, of course. But, I won't panic if I don't have any at times. My foremost goal now is to take care of all the background/infrastructure things and build Writing for a Change to last.
One of the main infrastructure things I'm working on is honing in on my skills before I try marketing myself. You may remember my mentioning that I was going to go back to school to become a certified Copyeditor. Well, I'm officially starting at the University of California San Diego this fall for their online program. I'm VERY VERY excited! (Now I can become an even bigger grammar nerd!!!!!)

One of the biggest things I wrestled with (as I mentioned above) is the question of how this affects my dream of being a foster/adoptive parent and using Writing for a Change as a catalyst for that dream. But, what I came to (and really felt God speaking) was that this is just a postponement. And, postponement, by definition, still indicates that the intended will still be realized...just not quite as quickly as previously anticipated.

I did hear God correctly in His saying to start the business when I did. I did hear Him correctly that Writing for a Change would be that catalyst. I will still realize those dreams that I so thoroughly believe came from the heart of God Himself. It just won't be coming to full fruition quite as quickly as I had anticipated.

It was all a great object lesson for me - specifically since my salary was part of the object lesson. I mean, my original intent of getting a roommate back in February was to help me get out of debt and to get a little ahead financially. And though there were moments (more than I'd like to admit, if I'm honest) when I was furious that my plan had been derailed, really, the paycut was not a cancellation of my intention but just a postponement. Now that my salary is back and I still have a roommate, I can continue on with the original intention of getting out of debt.

And, those six months of postponement weren't wasted. They were vital in learning lots of things (professionally and personally) and to set the stage for right now. I'd have never entertained the idea of going back to school right now had it not been for the paycut and the new business. And, school is the absolute correct next step both for my own future, the future of Writing for a Change and even for my (potentially expanding) role at my fulltime job.

I'm absolutely thrilled to see how this latest season of postponement will benefit my future and my dreams.

I'll keep you posted!

Convicted

2010-07-20T11:31:00.002-06:00

Sorry it's been a while since I've written anything. I think I go through spurts of inspiration and spurts of drought.

At any rate, as of today, my parents really are divorcing. The papers are in and signed. The house they had built just a few years ago is up for sale. I have a myriad of thoughts on all of this. On the one hand, I'm totally at peace. On the other, I'm really sad. And, interestingly enough, that sadness has led to a good and healthy dose of conviction.

I'm totally at peace because a) there's nothing I can do about this situation, b) I think in the long run, this has been coming for so long that I'm not entirely surprised...and more relieved to have the whole thing finally resolved - even if that resolution is not ideal, and c) I actually truly feel Jesus at the center of all this. I'm not saying that He's behind the divorce, per se. I just really feel Him working in people's lives through this...and I think He's making good out of something not so good.

I mean, I see the way that my father is finally really "getting" what it really means to follow Jesus - albeit, after 30 years of following Him. I see the way my siblings are rallying together and growing closer - even though some of us live thousands of miles apart. And, I see the way God's actually answering so many gut-wrenching prayers that my sisters and I have been praying for years - even if the answers aren't coming in quite the way we expected.

But, I am also sad. I'm sad that my dad's still hurting. I'm sad that this is his third failed marriage. I'm sad that my step-mom is so hurt that she's giving up on her marriage just when (from my perspective) she's got the greatest chance of having it be good and healthy.

Recently, I was telling my younger brother how sad I was for our father. And, he said, "humph...I'm not sad for him at all. I'm sad for K" (our step mom). At first, I couldn't figure out why he would feel that way...she's the one leaving him afterall. Why be sad for her?

His answer thoroughly convicted me and gave me the right...better...TRUE...perspective. Here's what he said: "Nat, Dad's finally figuring it out. He's finally understanding what it means to be humbled and broken and know Jesus' love and forgiveness in the middle of that. K still hasn't figured any of that out...even if she thinks she has."

And, really, isn't that the larger point anyway?

It's not about who's right and who's wrong. It's not about who hurt whom. It's not about whether they stay married or get divorced.

It's all about Jesus...knowing Him and living for Him. Not just a cognitive knowing...but a deep-in-your-guts knowing and choosing to lay everything aside for Him and what He's doing, speaking and asking.

And, so, it seems at this point, Dad's the wrong one for me to be sad for...I, too, should be sad and broken for her.

Hmmm.

Miscellaneous Observations

2010-06-29T13:05:00.003-06:00

This past week, in light of all that's going on with my parents, I've been making a few noteworthy observations.

I AM comfortable being weak. I've had no problem sharing what's going on in my family and leaving it just at that - without having to have a solution or perfectly packaged response. THIS IS GROWTH!!!! I've had no problem telling people what's going on, how it's affected me and how I could use their help. Late last week, at the small group I lead, I briefly mentioned all that was going on and asked everyone to pray as they felt led to over the upcoming week. Unexpectedly (because, really I've been doing better with all this than I could have ever expected or have ever done in the past), I started crying. The entire group offered to pray with me on the spot and I totally welcomed it. I didn't shoo anyone off or minimize it. I allowed them - the people I'm leading - into my pain. (And, in addition to how amazing their prayers were, I realized afresh how valuable it is to let those you lead see your pain and weakness....).
I'm known more than I think I am. Continuing on in regard to my small group's praying for me, I was absolutely blown away -- totally and completely blessed -- by the things they were praying. One person in particular really just prayed some of the most amazing stuff - stuff that proved how well he really knows me. It was a blessing but also somewhat of a surprise that he was that aware of some of the deeper parts and history of the situation and of my heart - things I'd forgotten I'd ever shared with anyone outside of my closest circle of friends. And, being known like that made me feel so safe, so cherished, so seen, so loved, so valued. I needed that reminder.
I'm not as known as I think I am. Yes, a seeming paradox to the previous point...but it's true. As much as one person's prayers helped me realize how known and seen I am, some of the other prayers made me realize that I'm not as known as I think I am. Don't get me wrong, their prayers were great. But, the comments like "God loves your tears, Natalie...it's okay to cry, even if it's hard for you" or "Thank you so much for sharing" or "Thank you for letting us in" or even "I know this is such a hard thing to go through but God gets us through even the most difficult situations in our lives, we just need to look to Him" made me realize that, for many of the folks in my small group, they only know bits and pieces of my story. Most of them are new to the church and thus weren't around for the multitude of times I've sobbed in church or walked through family and/or personal issues that were way more intense and drastic than these. These people in my small group feel like family and so I forget that they've not been around for very long. Time to start sharing and opening up more!
I'm not as affected by my family's drama as I used to be. As I said in my last post, in the past something of this nature would have been the death of me. It would have caused all sorts of personal panic - I would have immediately gotten involved in trying to talk some sense into my parents or at the very least, I would have rallied all of my siblings to make sure that everyone was okay. I would have carried everyone else's pain as if it were my own. I would have considered giving up everything in my life to help work everything out for everyone else. I would have had a strange sense of guilt and shame that I wasn't struggling or walking through hard stuff and that my life was going okay.

But, that's not true anymore. I still care deeply. I'm still saddened. I'm still disappointed. I'm still unsure of what the future looks like for our family. But, I'm not getting more involved than I need to. And, I'm not carrying anyone else's pain. The truth of the matter is that, while things will certainly look different in our family once my dad and step mom divorce, my day-to-day life won't change one bit. While it is awful that the people I love are hurting, I'm not really directly affected by any of this...and it's okay that I'm not. I shouldn't (and don't) feel guilty for the way that my life is working right now. I'm not required do to anything more than love, pray and be. This isn't my burden to carry.... THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.
I've got really high expectations for the people I care about the most. Finally, this one's hard to digest (yet good for me). This latest stuff with my family is just highlighting something I've already been trying to work on. I have a tendency to be harder on the people I love, care for and esteem the most than I do on anyone else...and I have an arrogance problem. I have great hopes for people...and thus, just assume that they'll always make the right choices and walk the right roads at the right times ("right" being my idea of the right choices, roads and times, of course... ;) ).

Case in point with my family - I'm saddened that when there's the greatest chance of health, my step mom is giving up on her marriage (while still totally understanding her being worn out and tired after 11 years of a difficult marriage.). And, if I'm thoroughly honest, I'm a tad bit irritated that we're all reaping the penalty of bad decisions by a few. I saw so many of their issues years ago and tried to call them out and offer hope and a solution...but no one listened. And, now, here we are - years later, all reaping the poor benefits of my accurate assessments. (Let's not fail to mention that I have no business parenting my parents...so it's no wonder that they didn't pay any attention to what I said...but that's a whole other issue for another day.)

The truth is I do have a gift of seeing people really clearly, discerning truth and wisdom really well, and typically knowing what the best steps are for people. And, I have a track record of making many right - and difficult - decisions in my own life. HOWEVER, while that's all well and good, I have a tendency to lean too hard into that - just assuming that since I have made hard decisions when necessary and since I can see truth for people so clearly, they a) will also make hard decisions, b) must see truth too and c) are ready to step into what's "right" (no matter how hard it is) when I think they are.

What I tend to so easily forget is that many people don't see things as clearly as I do; that even if they do see it, they're often not willing to pay the price (known pain is often easier than unknown potential freedom and the cost to get there); and, most importantly, that most of the time God's timetable for others and their walk through life is a whole lot different than my timetable is. I also tend to forget that I haven't always made the right decisions, that I haven't always seen truth right away, that I haven't always said yes when I should have...that my own road has a few more twists and turns and detours than God probably intended for me....that I haven't arrived yet, and yet, He's been patient, kind and loving through every delay and mistake. He hasn't ever given up on me or been irritated when I don't "get it" (right away or at all). He's walked with me, extended grace and remained committed to me all along the way. And, He's still walking with me, extending grace and pointing me on the path to be more and more like Him.

So, it's the least I can do for those in my family, don't you think?

Weak and Tired

2010-06-22T13:37:00.001-06:00

I feel weak and tired.

Not long ago, I wouldn't have been able to admit that. I would have only shown my stiff upper lip, my strength, my tenacity, my wisdom...or I would have just been absent from a forum such as this.

But, the truth is, I'm okay with my weakness and my exhaustion. I'm not going to hide it anymore or try to deny its existance. And, I've learned that it's in that place of weakness and exhaustion that true Beauty emerges, that true Trust is established and that true Strength and Deliverance are able to do their work.

My family is a crazy mix of utterly amazing and pathetically dysfunctional. It always has been.... But it's been through this stunning, yet torn, tapestry that God's shown me the richness of His love, His power, His provision, His tender care, His justice, His mercy and His grace. It's through this messy beauty that He's formed my character and my life.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm 100% thankful for the challenges we've had to walk through as a family but I'd also be lying if I said that I wished I were a different person or knew Jesus any less intimately than I do. And, since I firmly believe that only the Lord knows the correct mix of good and bad required to mold me into who He has for me to be and that He does, indeed, work all things for good, I trust Him and all that He's allowed to unfold in my family and life.

That all said, as we continue to face new challenges as a family, I find that I'm increasingly more tired and weak in the process. I don't wish that He'd stop forming me to be more like Him...but I do wish that things would finally be easier in our family. I do wish that the drama and tough situations would end. I do wish for full peace, harmony and restoration.

God's been doing some amazingly restorative and life-alteringly freeing work in my father. It's been a drastic, tough road for him...and yet, he testified just this weekend that he's learned more about the Father and about true Christianity in the last two months than he'd learned in the past 30 years. Worth it? ABSOLUTELY.

Yet, in that same conversation, he mentioned that my stepmother will probably be divorcing him soon. It's not something he wants yet it's not something for which he's void of blame. And still, it's something he's come to terms with.

And, I'm just sad. I'm disappointed. I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm confused.

How could it be so easy to give up on something after nearly 11 years? Especially when - though things have never been easy - there's now more possibility of a healthy marriage (and, thus, a healthy family) than ever before?

There are a million thoughts and a million opinions and a million details I could share...but they're useless. The reality is that this IS what's happening. And, I'm just sad. I'm sad for my dad...this will make his third failed marriage. I'm sad for my younger brothers and sisters who've had the blessing of growing up with two parents at home and now are, in essence, losing that security. I'm sad for my stepmother who's giving up after working hard for so many years. And, I'm sad for me...

I'm just tired of sadness and hardship and broken relationships and feel weak in the face of it all...and I'm wondering when all the hard work will pay off with some peace, harmony, hope and joy.

In the past, a situation like this would have caused crisis in me - immediately planning to swoop in, to get involved, to try to be the voice of reason and keep them from parting....OR....at the very least, figuring out how to rally the family and take the lead in caring for everyone....even to the point of potentially changing my entire life for them, if necessary.

This time, I'm not doing that. I know it's not my responsibility to do anything but pray and love and (when appropriate) extend as much grace and truth as possible. But, it all still sucks and is still really hard. This isn't the way things were meant to be. Yet, this is the way it is.

I do find myself tending to think that I'm alone once again...that my family's falling apart again and so I've got to tough it out on my own again. And, yet, I know that's totally not true. I know that even if some of the dynamic of my family is now changing, my family is still my family. And, more than anything else, I'm not alone. I have AMAZING siblings who are all committed to remaining close no matter what happens with our parents. I have an AWESOME church community/family that isn't affected one bit by my family. And, I have an EVER-PRESENT God who has never and will never forsake me.

I do just wish things would begin to get easier though.

Awesome Weekend

2010-06-21T09:02:00.000-06:00

If you have never been to Telluride, Colorado, you simply MUST GO. It may just be the most beautiful place I've ever been to in Colorado... GORGEOUS.

Majestic Mountains. Green, lush rolling hills. Wide Open Spaces.

See what I mean?

I took the above pictures on my way to and from Telluride this past weekend where I was catching my friend my friend Marcus and his band, Mumford and Sons, in concert. Though the drive was long (6+ hours each way), it was more than worth it to get to see the concert, to experience beautiful Ouray County (Telluride), to get away from the city and to spend some great time with friends.

Here are some pics from the concert:

Marcus

Ben

Winston

Ted

My only regret is not staying longer. M&S actually played two shows in Telluride. One on Friday night and one on Sunday night. If I'd been smart, I'd have just taken Monday off from work as well and stayed in Telluride through the weekend. But, I was trying to be economical by only going for one show. Dumb decision. Should have just stayed for the entire thing...would have gotten more of a chance to relax, would have seen another M&S show and would have actually been able to hang out with Marcus as opposed to having only a quick 20-second conversation in the hall before the concert on Friday. But, oh well! Live and learn, I guess! :) Just very glad he and the band will be back in Denver in October (supposedly).

Mumford and Sons

2010-06-18T14:00:00.003-06:00

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Mumford & Sons?!

Well, as you're reading this, I'm on my way to the Telluride Bluegrass Festival to enjoy some of their music!!

A few years ago, the lead singer, Marcus Mumford, spent almost an entire year working at our church and many of us became great friends with him. I have many fun memories and pictures of his time here. There are many things that stood out about him - including his British wit - but the most remarkable thing about him by far was his musical ability. He was - and still is - one of the best drummers I've ever worked with or seen...and his guitar playing and singing were top notch too.

So, it wasn't at all surprising when he went back to England for University and instead, formed what is now Mumford & Sons. He is the lead singer, lead guitar player and, at times, as in the video below, plays both the drums and the guitar while he is singing and leading the band. Simply amazing. They're lyrics are stellar and their sound is fantastic.

I'm SO excited to actually, finally see them live (instead of on the internet or the Late Show with David Letterman). :)

Enjoy!

Seeing the Fruit

2010-06-15T13:00:00.002-06:00

Ever since I started working at my present company, I've known that part of my reason for working there was to share the hope and love of Jesus with my coworkers.

I will admit, at first, I saw these "non-believers" simply as "projects" to be won over. How shameful.

However, over the past nearly five years, I've definitely grown to love the people I work with. I adore them. Many of them are like family. And, most of them don't, in fact, have a relationship with Jesus.

I've been praying for them since the beginning...and have had small, yet impactful, conversations with some over the years. But, I have yet to see any major interest by anyone.

About two years ago, I was reading our company newsletter and noticed a bio of "D" - he was one of about a dozen who'd been recently promoted and in his bio, he listed Blue Like Jazz as the book he was currently reading. I had never met D (since he worked in an office across the country) but for some reason, I remember making a mental note that he must be a believer.

Just six months later, D was transferred to our office and became my direct boss. When the announcement came that he would be moving to our office, I distinctly remember hearing the Lord tell me that D was part of the answer to my prayers for my coworkers, that through he and I many people in our office would come to know Jesus.

Now, 18 months and too many ups and downs to recount later, I think I'm finally starting to see those words come to pass. One of my best friends at the office (he's much more like a little brother than a friend) "S" has started to show a potential interest in Jesus. And, he's even agreed to start coming to church!

Admittedly, according to S, his coming is an "intellectual exercise" (ha!) right now but, I've tons of confidence that eventually the Holy Spirit will break through his "intellect" and S will come to Christ.

The interesting part to all of this is that S's two closest friends in our entire city are D and me. And, D and I just so happen to attend the same church. Cooincidence? I think not!

Will you join with me to pray for S? I know Jesus has His hand on him...and I can't wait to see how all this turns out!

I'm Getting Certified

2010-06-14T12:06:00.002-06:00

I'm going back to school.

I never thought I'd say that...but it's true. Although I believe that I'm already a great writer and editor, it never hurts to a) keep brushing up on your skills and b) get some official documentation to prove you're good at something. So, I'm going back.

To be fair, at this point, it's simply a copyediting certificate from the University of California, San Diego (UCSD). But, I'm super excited about this specific program for a number of reasons.

First, getting certified as a copy editer isn't really that difficult. A simple cursory google search of "copyediting certification" will garner hundreds of results. You can get certified through any number of "legitimate" entities. But, from what I could find, there are only three reputible copyediting programs right now - NYU, the University of Chicago and UCSD. The beauty of being certified through an accredited university is that, should I choose to pursue a masters degree at some point down the road, the classes I take for the certificate will transfer into that degree program.

Secondly, of the three universities that offer the program, UCSD is the only one who offers the entirety of the program online. While it'd be lovely to go attend classes in New York City, Chicago or even and especially beautiful beach-laden San Diego, it's not realistic or possible for me to leave my entire life here in Denver to pursue this certification.

Thirdly, somehow this certificate is pretty inexpensive as compared to similar programs. The entirety of the program at UCSD is only about $1600 (before books and materials). That's for seven accredited classes. Seriously? Seriously. :)

Finally, in addition to all of the great (read: nerdy) grammar classes that I'm excited to take, this certificate program also includes classes to grow my business (such as: Editing as a Business - How to Succeed on Your Own and Marketing for Copyeditors - How to Get the Word Out).

It seriously feels like this program was tailor-made, just for me!

Bored

2010-06-14T09:31:00.002-06:00

I've worked as an office manager/receptionist/jack-of-all-office-trades for nearly five years. In those five years, there have been ups and downs but for the most part, I've absolutely adored my job.

The last two years have definitely been different from the first three...with the financial crisis and bad economy, our industry has been one of the hardest hit. Our office has gone from 75 to 30 people; our firm has gone from nearly 200 to just under 70. It's been brutal. And, given the nature of my responsibilities, with fewer projects and fewer people in our office, I have more time on my hands than I once did. I know I should be grateful for my job (and I am) but I'm just plain bored.

For a season, being a little less busy was a nice respite. It gave me the chance to do some of my "church work" while getting paid by my office. But, since I've relinquished nearly all of my church responsibilities in the past few months (to focus on my business and new things I feel are in the works), I actually have far less to do in that arena.

Then, I was busy kicking off my new business so I was able to do some of that work while at my office. But, all the start-up details (website, business cards, facebook page, policies, pricing structures, etc) are now complete. And, literally, I have nothing to do...and yet am stuck at a desk for 9 hours a day.

Today, for instance, I completed all my tasks by 10am. That leaves me with seven hours to kill and/or try to look busy. Killer. I was made for more than this.

A few weeks ago, I had my staff review and told my boss just how bored I am. I asked for more work to do...and specifically asked (AGAIN) if it'd be possible to be a part of reviewing all the documents that go out of our office. (I work with very, very talented visionaries and designers...but they really are not the best writers or most detail-oriented people. You'd be shocked at the stuff that goes out the door sometimes. The content is typically stellar...the package, delivery and text quite lacking. )

I've made this request before...and have had the chance to review different documents at different times...but it's nothing that's regular or mandated. It's been hard for me to know that such poorly written and edited documents are leaving our office and for it to be, seemingly, unimportant to people. I've made the case over and over again that in a season of such lean project opportunities, we need to put our absolute best foot forward to secure new work. It's seemingly fallen on deaf ears (mainly because people are "too busy" to build more time into the schedule to allow for review time).

Until my recent staff review. This time, my boss actually offered some hope by saying that some of our principals have recently awakened to the dire need to have all of our proposals reviewed. And, that there's a chance that my role could officially expand to include reviewing every proposal that goes out that door - that there'd be a new policy enacted that unless I review a proposal, it does not get submitted to a potential client.

He even said that he thinks there's a chance that as things improve in the office/firm overall, he could envision my stepping out of the office manager/receptionist role completely and working full-time as the firm's editor and writer. YES!!!!!

That's all very exciting but I find myself super cynical about it. There are a number of hoops through which I'd have to jump to make this possible. And certain leaders in the firm who'd have to agree and really fight for me. And, if history proves anything, it has proven that - at least at my company - people tend to be more talk than action in situations like this.

I got some prayer about this yesterday at church and felt like the Lord was reminding me to hope in Him and to not be afraid, to fight for the things I want and be tenacious about fighting, and to believe that this "bored" season was initiated so that I'd actually get creative and do something. So, I'm trying to muster up some hope and push a little harder than I have been to make things happen with this role...but, still, I find myself cynical.

Maybe I'm not even supposed to be at this job anymore. I am dreaming of one day going full time with Writing for a CHANGE...so, maybe this is the time to go out and take the plunge. (I actually don't think it's time for that yet...though I know that time will come sooner rather than later.) I don't think I'm supposed to leave yet - I know that I'm here to reach out to my co-workers...there is finally some traction in that area (I'll share about in another post) so I know it's not time to go anywhere yet.

I just think it's ridiculous that I'm qualified (15+ yrs experience, a degree in Public Relations, pursuing a copywriting certificate this fall and have my own business in this very field) to fill a legitimate need and yet there are too many hoops to jump to allow me to fill it. I'm bored...and I'm ready to fight this boredom.

A Simple Summer

2010-06-08T09:34:00.003-06:00

I think I've been feeling pressured to always have deep, meaningful and insightful blog posts....so, when I don't feel inspired or insightful, I simply don't post. But, there are other things going on in my life that I can post about...

Three years ago, I was nearly on my way to an amazing trip to Italy with my lovely friend Jennie. I can hardly believe it's been three years. So many crazy and amazing things have transpired in both of us since that summer...

And, while I'd love to say that I'm jetting off again to some amazing locale and while I'm desperately longing for a beach vacation, the budget's a bit tighter around here these days so, sadly, this summer does not hold a distant or tropical vacation. Instead, I'm planning a number of fun and small local adventures.

The first is next week when I relive my college days by driving seven hours each way (and within a span of 36 hours) to see one of my favorite new bands: Mumford & Sons. They're taking the UK, the rest of the world and, finally, the US, by storm...and I actually know the lead singer as he spent a summer working at my church a few years ago. I'm so incredibly excited for him and his band and CANNOT wait to see them live in next week!

In July, I'll be going to a friend's cabin for the 4th of July weekend and a few weeks later, I'll be in the mountains again for some camping, hiking, rafting and hot-springing! :)

In August, there's Jennie's wedding and a concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater.

And, finally, for Labor Day weekend, two of my sisters are coming HERE to Denver!

I may not have access to an ocean this summer but I still have lots of fun things going on. :) Yea!!!!!

Even the good can be bad

2010-06-03T13:27:00.004-06:00

I think I've mentioned in previous posts about how exciting it is to have the time and space in my life to focus on my own health - on working out, eating correctly and getting enough rest. And, it IS exciting. I still am a bit in shock that I enjoy going to the gym each day; I actually look forward to going and am disappointed when I can't make it for whatever reason. This is a GOOD thing.

It's also good and encouraging to see the fruit of this labor - I have more energy, feel better in general and am noticing my clothes are just a bit looser. (YEA!)

I knew I was in trouble, however, when I began to choose to workout over just about everything else in my life - most specifically, spending time with Jesus. Somehow, I could justify not getting up in the morning to spend time with Jesus and yet, no matter what, I'd make sure I rearranged my schedule to accommodate getting to the gym.

Add to that the ironic prayer I was praying - to see more of God's Kingdom breaking through into my every day life - and you see the quandary I'd created for myself.

Then, last week, it all hit me and I realized how I truly had been worshipping getting in shape in place of Jesus. Working out had become my first priority, my "first love."

How sad...how flimsy. How ridiculous to buy into the lie that getting in better shape is more fulfilling than the very love and presence of God!

It was actually disappointing to realize that I - this person who claims to have a really intimate relationship with Jesus - could so easily replace that all-fulfilling and all-freeing love with a flimsy satisfaction that I was looking and feeling better.

It's not that being healthy and working out is wrong...it just can't be the most important thing in my life.

What a fresh reminder that even the good can be bad sometimes....

New Website!

2010-05-28T08:53:00.002-06:00

I've finally launched my new website for Writing for a CHANGE! Please check it out! And, please refer any friends or family who may be interested in working with me for a new resume or any editing work.

I have a blog on that site called "Thoughts for a Change" where I'll be writing from time to time about things pertaining to writing, editing, grammar, resumes and cover letters. I hope you'll pop over there from time to time to check it out!

I'll also still be posting here as often as I can. (I'm still aiming for at least two posts per week...though I didn't meet my goal the last few weeks!)

May

2010-05-11T12:35:00.004-06:00

Typically, May's sort of a funny and bittersweet time of the year for me. I love the warmer weather and budding life all around me. But, my parents' anniversary lands this month. (If they were still married, they would have celebrated 32 years this past weekend.) And, of course, Mother's Day is in May. (Given my mother's illness and absence - both mental and physical - for most of my life, this has classically been a tricky holiday to navigate emotionally).

Enter May 2010. So many great things are happening in and around me. There's all the stuff I've been sharing in my posts and lots of exciting family stuff happening as well. Dreams I've had and prayers I've prayed for years seem to be coming to pass...crazy things that I had begun to lose hope and vision for are seemingly starting to come together ... It's all very exciting.

Yet, in the midst of it...in the midst re-emerging hope, in the midst of re-ignited vision, in the midst of so much proof of God as the Great Orchestrator...I'm firmly aware that I'm still in process and that these dreams and prayers are still in process. I'm firmly aware that I still have unmet longings and desires.

I'm saddened that my parents aren't still married, that we're not able to celebrate what would have been their 32nd anniversary, that I don't have an up-close model of what a good marriage is. I'm disappointed to not have had an available mother or even an idea what it's like to have one. I'm still acutely aware of feeling a bit like an orphan at times. I'm still longing and praying for so many things - for my present family to be whole, for my absent mother to be present, for a family of my own.

Yet, for quite possibly the first time - while I'm feeling those things, while I'm fully conscious of those things - they're not wrecking me or incapacitating me. I know that HE's the point and satisfaction of everything anyway - not the dream of a thriving business; nor of hosting, helping and loving others; nor of a family that's emotionally or spiritually whole. So that's what I'm focusing on.

There's a great quote by C.S. Lewis that sums it up so well: "These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past (or insert your own 'thing') - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols breaking the hearts of their worshipers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have not visited."

Hmmmm....

The Great Orchestrator

2010-05-05T17:43:00.004-06:00

More and more these days, I'm convinced that God really is the Great Orchestrator of things. He really does work out all seemingly random things into a beautiful tapestry. He really has a plan where the seemingly random and/or mundane have real and true purpose.

This isn't really new information to me...it's more that I have fresh proof of this reality.

In my last post, I mentioned in passing how recently "I've cleared some other responsibilities off my plate" but I didn't elaborate at all. Well, I've known the entire process of "clearing" (which I'll explain more about in a sec) was for a good purpose...and even with the aforemetioned (in this post) impatience I have right now, I guess I didn't think I'd see some of that purpose come to pass so quickly.

Long story short, last year at this time, I had a more-than-full-time job as an office manager and was on the senior leadership team of my church. In addition, I was overseeing the church's entire worship ministry, was personally leading worship a few Sundays a month and at a weekly discipleship class, had newly taken on oversight of the prayer ministry and was building a new counseling and wholeness ministry from the ground up. I had a lot going on. All of the time.

Then, in the fall, the transitions began.:

I stepped down from overseeing worship (though was still leading worship on Sundays) - September
I "randomly" agreed to help a friend's father with his resume - September
The senior leadership team (all voluntary) dissolved as our church moved to a place where it could actually hire staff and I didn't want to go on staff - October
I started leading a new weekly small group Bible study - November
A co-worker "randomly" asked me if I'd edit a few documents for his daughter if he paid me - November
I worked through some major root issues and pain in my own life - December and January
The desire to press into "things of compassion" - loving and serving the broken and needy - heightened greatly...just as my entire office got a 20% pay cut. So, I decided - after the above "random" writing/editing work - that it was time to start an editing/writing business and start really pressing into my dreams to work to love and serve others. - February
I began to feel like it was time for me to step down from overseeing the counseling/wholeness ministry at my church (since it's built and functioning pretty well) - to focus more on my small group and the people in it and to build my business...but spent the entire month praying about it. - March
I officially stepped down from leading the counseling ministry - April (with transition to be final by the end of May)

There are a million details and stories of redemption in each of these steps. But, the bottom line is that with each step, I felt lighter and freer. And, for the first time in my life, I have space in my life - like, actual space - in my calendar.

Who knew how great it was to not be running from thing to thing to thing?! Who knew how great it was to be able to actually focus on the person in front of me rather than always thinking about the next person/thing/situation? Who knew how great it was to actually focus on just one or two things and be able to actually be able to do them well? Who knew how great it was to actually be able to take time for myself - to focus on eating more healthfully and working out every day, to sleep, to rest and to have fun!? Who knew?! :)

So, with that as the backdrop - since I've got months of my life to catch you up on since I've not been very good at blogging - when the latest transtion (of passing over the counseling/wholeness ministry to focus more on the people in my small group and to build my business) became a reality last week, I guess I didn't think I'd see proof of the wisdom of my decision yet. I didn't think that I'd be able to jump into really going deeper with and caring for the people in my small group already. Quite frankly, though I saw the need and had the desire to really pour into their lives, I didn't think that they felt the need or had the desire to be poured into.

But, in just a few days, God's confirmed how wise this latest decision was and that I have, indeed, heard Him correctly. I have new vision for what we're doing in our small group and things we can be doing. I've already had a number of opportunities to press into the lives of a few of the girls in my small group. In fact, just last night I met with one of them and we decided that I'd do some one-on-one peer counseling with her over the next number of weeks (something I NEVER would have had the time or mental capacity to want to do, much less agree to do, just a few weeks ago). It was such a tender moment last night as she was sharing her heart and the things she was struggling with. And, it was in that moment that I realized that truly, if for no other reason, my stepping down from the counseling stuff to focus on my small group was for her, that Jesus cares so much about HER heart that things in my life shifted to enable me to be a part of what He's wanting to do in her life.

Ah...I think I've just rambled on and on simply to say this: I received confirmation last night that I'm really doing what I'm supposed to be doing, rather than just seemingly dropping out of everything because I'm burned out or something. And, I'm just really grateful that I get to back away from the things that drain me (but that I thought my value was linked to) to lean into the things bring me life.

I was made for this stuff - to pour into people, to love them, to share and walk them through truths and keys to freedom so that they can experience the fullness of the life that the Lord has for them. And, even while I'm having the chance to do that, I'm learning that there's balance and that it's VITAL for me to care for myself in the process.

I know this is all training for what He eventually has for me....I've got to learn these lessons now before I've got down-and-out adults and/or foster/adoptive/my own kids running around the house.

But, I'm really amazingly grateful for the people He's put in front of me right now and that, the more personal freedom I experience, the less I care about how "involved" or "in the know" I am with things around me - I'm able to just press into the few He puts in front of me.

I think this is a taste of what abundant life really is.

Impatient yet Thankful

2010-05-04T09:20:00.003-06:00

Believe it or not, I'm a remarkably impatient person - though I like to think that it's simply my gift of implementation shining through. :)

Once I get an idea in my head or once I get an answer and/or direction from the Lord, I want it to come together immediately - even when I understand (and value) the benefit of process. Case in point: although cognitively I know that it takes time to build a business, now that it's started, I want Writing for a CHANGE to take off immediately so that I can press forward into caring for foster kids, adopting orphans and helping the down and out as fast as possible.

For the past few weeks, I've caught myself - more often than I'd like to admit - being frustrated at the speed of this building process, frustrated at the lack of response from potential clients, frustrated at my small (though beautiful) home and how it's hindering me from being able to host anyone right now, frustrated that I don't have the financial means to step into everything with both feet right now, frustrated that I don't have "enough time" to press into really building this business and frustrated that everything's taking sooooo long....

The irony, of course, is that, in reality, things are going fairly quickly. I had paying clients almost immediately, I do have dedicated time each week to devote to my business, I've cleared some other responsibilities off my plate to ready myself for when things do "take off." Four months ago, this was all a mere idea...now it's a full-fledged reality.

Plus, and here's another great example of the kindness and grace of the Lord in my life, I already have ample opportunity to love on others - even if it's not in the specific ways I long to ultimately serve. I have a "little sister" through Big Brothers Big Sisters whom I adore. I sponsor an adorable little girl in Ethiopia through Compassion International. And, I'm part of an amazing church that is actively serving the broken and destitute in our own city and around the world (by working with newly-relocated refugees from around the world, caring for single parents, working to end sex-trafficking in the US and abroad and helping victims of natural disasters (like the recent Haitian earthquake).) I'm doing it all already...right now.

So, today, I'm choosing to lay down my impatience and frustration and pick up gratitude. I'm choosing to be grateful for the opportunities presently in front of me - even as I cling to the hope of my dreams and vision to come.

Where I'm Going

2010-04-28T17:33:00.000-06:00

It's not too much of a surprise, really, but to follow up with some previous posts (this one and this one) and give an update of where I am now, I thought I'd formalize everything here.

When I last wrote, I talked of God's clear direction that I should step into the freelance writing/editing business idea as well as continue to press forward into the things of compassion and help for the less fortunate that are so heavily and ever-presently on my heart.

Well, it's been a big three months! In mid-February, I officially and legally began my business, Writing for a CHANGE. This business - and even its name - encapsulates my heart in so many ways.

From the purely business side of things, Writing for a CHANGE exists for those who:

would like an additional set of eyes or a full-fledged revamp of their article, thesis, website text or book
are in need of an updated resume and a winning cover letter for that dream (or, let's be honest, in this economy, ANY) job
need help crafting the perfect college admissions essay to get the "upper hand" in a competitive admissions environment

The business purpose of Writing for a CHANGE is to help people experience the CHANGE they're looking for in whatever way the written word can do so (specifically through Proofreading, Copy-Editing, Business and Technical Writing, Resume Writing and Consulting).

I do love to edit. I have been a grammar nerd forever (I fondly remember diagramming sentences in elementary and middle school). I do have a special gift to clearly articulate what someone's trying/wanting to communicate and lay things out in an easily-understood manner. That's all true. But, it's so much more than that.

From the larger point of view, though, I'm hoping that Writing for a CHANGE will be the means by which I can help the less fortunate experience positive CHANGE and restoration in their lives. That Writing for a CHANGE will finance a dream that costs more than I can finance as an office manager. One of my greatest dreams is to have a home where the less fortunate - whether foster/adoptive children or even adults who simply need some help getting back on their feet - have a place to call home, a place where they feel loved and known, a place where they can get free from their pasts and learn life skills to be successful in their futures. That's my dream. And, as much as I do enjoy and am gifted at writing and editing, Writing for a CHANGE is really just a means to that end.

And, even its very name serves to remind me why I'm doing this business at all. Writing is the means, the conduit, by which others can (hopefully and prayerfully) experience positive CHANGE, freedom, restoration and hope.

Will you join me in this pursuit of CHANGE, freedom, restoration and hope?

Will you pray for me as I venture out?

Will you think of me if/when you or someone you know needs a document edited or written? Or when you need a new resume?

Will you join me?

Where've I Been?

2010-04-21T17:06:00.003-06:00

That's a great question. And, not one I'm entirely sure I can fully articulate. Probably the easiest answer is that I was on a "brief" hiatus (if you can call the 2+ years that it's been since I've written more than one post ever other month 'brief') to work through some of my deepest demons and truly "find" myself.

How cliche, right? Yet, sadly, true.

For the past two years, I've immersed myself in more ministry opportunities than I can even comprehend; have been humbled to be a part of so many amazing moments and events - both in ministry, people, friends and family; walked through gut-wrenching identity crises; experienced moments of sheer joy, abandon and freedom; and emerged with the most-full view of God, His love, His plan and His purpose that I've ever had.

I think that may be a most-generic, inarticulate and lame synopsis of the past two years....but it's the best I've got for now (though, my guess is that - for the five of you who still actually occasionally glance at this blog - you already know what the past years have held). Plus, I'm more excited about where I'm going than where I've been.

And, I'm excited to tell you all about it in my next post. :)

New Start?

2010-04-21T09:35:00.002-06:00

It's been well over two months since I've written a post and even before that last post, it's been probably over a year since I've written with any regularity. Hopefully, that's about to change.

I've missed writing and having an outlet to my thoughts. I think the "time off" was beneficial but I'm now ready to plunge back into writing with some regularity. I'm going to attempt to post on here at least twice a week.

Let's see how that goes! :)

Update #2

2010-02-01T12:09:00.001-07:00

THANK YOU for praying for me this weekend as I took some time away to press into what the Lord's saying/doing in my life right now.

Here are the highlights from my time away:

God couldn't have made it more obvious that I'm supposed to press into this whole freelance writing/editing thing. I had been most concerned about trying to fit something new into my already jam-packed schedule. So, although I'm not crazy about the pay cut at Design Workshop, I'm really seeing this as a gift from the Lord. Now I will have some dedicated time each week to build and focus on my freelance business. More on this in a bit....
Even with the extra time in my schedule now to focus on the freelance biz, I still felt the need to simplify and align my life a little better...ie, rather than having my hands in many different things, I'm going to aim at a few things and do them well. And, so, the main thing I'm laying down is worship.

Worship has always been a part of my life and it always will be in some way or another - I'm convinced of that. However, I also know that there are different seasons in life where we're called to focus on one thing over another. And, right now, I'm absolutely convinced that worship needs to go on the back burner. I think I'm only going to play on the band once a month, if/as they need me - but will definitely NOT be leading worship at all anymore. I do love worshiping, do love singing, and think that at some point I'll be back in the "worship world." Simply playing on the band really takes next to no emotional energy/bandwith for me and actually gives me life - so I think just playing/singing once a month will be perfect.

You may remember that I only started pressing into leading worship again about six months ago - so you may be wondering what that was all about. I had the same questions - even as I knew then that I was supposed to press into everything and know that I'm not right now. :) And, I really feel like the Lord used that season of pressing into leading in two big ways: 1) to redeem my past experience in leading worship years ago and 2) to be a catalyst for some deep healing/freedom I've experienced in the past few months.

The bottom line with this is that I felt like I HAD THE CHOICE to lay down worship or keep up with it. And, I'm choosing to lay it down for now because the things of compassion and all this freelance stuff have captured my heart and mind in a way that worship hasn't right now.
Speaking of these "things of compassion" (ie - how my heart is so soft for and hungry to help those who are broken, hurting and down-and-out), I really felt like I'm supposed to remain doing all that I'm doing - to press into the counseling ministry I'm building at church, to pour into my small group's refugee family and to spend time with my "little sister" (from BigBrothersBigSisters). I felt really clearly I don't have to have a plan or next step right now - that as I keep pressing into the Lord and into these things in front of me, when the right "next thing" comes up, I'll just know and be in a place where I can easily step into it.
Back to the freelance stuff for a moment - while I've been thankful that the pay cut at DW came just as I have a new roommate and have this freelance stuff in front of me, I found myself also a bit disappointed this weekend. Disappointed because I had planned that the new roommate and the freelance stuff were going to be ways to get out of debt...not merely to sustain where I've been at....and I was feeling like now I was just back at square one. Tammy was praying for me yesterday at church and, without my really telling her too much of what I just wrote to you, she reminded me that God's up to something a lot bigger than merely getting me out of debt...that getting me out of debt is "nothing" (ie - no major effort on His part) and prayed that my vision would be expanded again. (which was a GREAT reminder and yet ironic considering my whole retreat this weekend was for the express purpose of tapping into that greater vision...just proof that you can lose sight of what you're doing even as you're doing it!) Her reminder definitely reinstilled hope in me!
Moving forward, I'm going to take two afternoons off a week to really focus on this freelance stuff.
Please pray that God will direct me in all the small details and grant me favor as I seek to (finally) use my degree and market myself and get some clients! (specifically, I'm going to focus on editing people's documents and writing resumes).
And, I think the biggest thing that I emerged from this weekend with was a renewed gratitude for the Lord and His great love for me. I can so see the beauty and purpose of His timing for things - amazed with the ways He's worked in my life, given me the experiences He has, brought the healing He has and orchestrated/continues to orchestrate everything so perfectly. I can't believe that I get to do the things I get to do...that I get to play a part in the things that I get to play a part in.

Thanks again for all your prayers!

Update #1

2010-01-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

Just found out that everyone in our office is getting a temporary pay cut...20%....not even sure how much that amounts to a month for me yet...but at least I didn't lose my job! :) And, I totally think it's the Lord's perfect timing that I've gotten a roommate who's moving in right now (her rent will make up approx 1/2 of what I'm losing at DW) and that I'm going away for the weekend to do some planning for this freelance stuff. TOTALLY the Lord.

I knew something was up...there's been all sorts of scurrying this week....and the unknown was so taxing. So, just knowing what the "something" is is actually quite relieving. And, strangely, I'm not really freaked out by this....it's obviously not pleasant but I feel strangely at peace. With a 20% cut, that also means a 20% reduction in my hours....so, 8 fewer hours a week.

And, DW is willing to be totally flexible to work with me as far as how I take the time off - one full day a week or two afternoons a week or whatever I need to work out a potential part-time job or doing freelance stuff or whatever.

So, please pray with me for this weekend that I really would emerge with a plan mapped out on how to not only sustain my finances but actually get out of debt and be able to move forward with the freelance stuff as well as how to reach out to my community and do all the compassion stuff that's been building in my heart.

Praying, Planning, Transitioning

2010-01-26T14:55:00.003-07:00

It's been a while since I've written here. I'm not even sure that anyone reads this anymore....but, if you do, I'd love it if you'd pray long with me...specifically this weekend as I get away regroup, pray and plan.

You've probably each heard me talk at some point about how a long term goal and dream for my life is to help the less fortunate, to have a home that's a refuge to the broken, to be a foster parent, to adopt children, etc etc etc.

Over the years, the dream's seemed so far off and practically impossible at times and at others, it's been as if I've felt the breath of the Lord on me as He's reawakened, redirected, reaffirmed and reminded me of this passion. Tiny doors have been opened - opened just wide enough to know that this dream really is part of His call on my life...probably the biggest call ever on my life. And, as those doors have opened slightly, I've always tried to push them open wider and go faster than I was supposed to. It's been so frustrating at times...but looking back, I'm so thankful for each turn and lesson along the way.

For the past six to eight months, the door just keeps opening wider even as I've been cautious (finally having learned that God will widen it in His timing, I don't need to). For example:

First it was really stepping into overseeing the Wholeness (Counseling) ministry of my church,
then releasing oversight of the Worship ministry,
then so many in my chuch prepping to adopt,
others pursuing foster parenting,
realizing that I have the tools to start my own business (freelance writing/editing/resumes, etc) that will eventually free me from the confines of an 8-5 office job,
some deep freedom and healing of some deeply-rooted pain and judgment.
Then the enormous emotional response I've had to the earthquake in Haiti (honestly, not normal for me...I'm ashamed to admit that neither the Tsunami in Indonesia nor Hurricane Katrina affected me this much),
most-recently, meeting my small group's refugee family who's just come from the Congo.

God's definitely expanding my heart and making it obvious that it's really time to move ahead with some of this stuff. It's all so exciting. Humbling. Overwhelming, Thrilling. Yet, honestly, a bit paralyzing.

It's a lttle crazy to grasp that "it's time" (literally THE phrase the Lord spoke to me a few months ago) to move ahead into some of the largest and most-enduring dreams of my life.

And, to be honest, I don't know what specifically I'm supposed to be moving ahead with. So, I'm getting away this weekend to decompress and pray through it all. Please pray that I emerge feeling closer to Jesus and with more answers than questions for all of this - as well as an idea of the things I need to lay down in order to proceed ahead with this new stuff.

Thanks so much!

2009 Top 100 Things I'm Thankful For

2009-11-26T06:00:00.012-07:00

Yes, it's true...as with this blog in general, I haven't been kept up with the "Thankful Thursday" series I used to do. But, I do still want to take the time to do my annual Top 100 list.

Here goes. This year I'm thankful for:

My father's visit to Denver earlier this year
Getting to show him my life, my friends and my church while he was here
All the amazing house/maintenance projects he helped me with - including installing a new microwave!
Spending a weekend away with two of my sisters (Nikki and Jessica) - and starting an annual Labor Day tradition
Seeing one of those sisters (Nikki) for the first time in THREE years and determining to never let three years pass without seeing her again
Spending time with my amazing nieces (Kristin and Natalie) - they're delightful...wow...do I wish we lived closer to be a regular part of their lives
My job - with only a slight pay cut - when so many people have lost theirs this year
My home - and that I'm still somehow able to sustain the mortgage on my own
My 13-yr old car - still in great shape and no car payment!!!!
An amazing, week-long trip to Galveston with some of my most favorite people in the entire world
Going to the beach while in Galveston - maybe not the prettiest beach...but a beach just the same
Seeing my cousin Joseph get married
Seeing nearly every member of my father's side of the family (it's been a long time...)
Singing in my cousin Mariel's wedding
Seeing nearly every member of my mother's side of the family (it's been even longer....)
Getting a better picture of the amazing woman my mother was before she became ill
Spending time with my step sister Natasha and her husband Mike
Spending time with my littlest sister, Rebecca and her two absolutely adorable boys, Damien and Kaleb
The bond I have with my seven of my siblings - even though I've not lived near any of them in more than 12 years
Facebook - allowing me to keep in better touch with those siblings and friends around the world
Reconnecting with high school friends (some, after 12 years) - thank you, Facebook
Reconnecting with some friends from past mission trips after 13 years - again, thank you, Facebook
My phenomenol church - the Mile High Vineyard
The humbling ministry opportunities I've had this year
The new Wholeness (counseling) Ministry we've started/I have the priviledge of leading
The awesome team of folks I get to work with in the Wholeness Ministry
The lives that are already being healed, changed and freed through the Wholeness Ministry
Getting to oversee our Prayer and Intercession Ministry
Leading worship again...not not having to oversee the entire ministry anymore
Getting better and better on the guitar
Healing and reconciliation
Ministry transitions
God's kind prepration of my heart and mind for those transitions
The girls in my new small group
My friends/pastors Jay and Danielle and their tender, gracious love and care for me
The space they both help to create in my heart to believe that I'm loved, known, safe, appreciated, capable... (really, the list could go on and on)
My amazing friends - who show me every day (that I'll let them) that they can handle all of me - not just when I'm strong and have it all together - and who don't have any expectations of me
New friendships that are emerging
The ways the Lord tenderly speaks to my heart and loves me
Proof that the Lord knows the deepest wounds of my heart and longs to bring freedom to those places.
Proof that He also knows the deepest hopes and dreams of my heart and promises to bring them to pass
Reviving dreams I've had for many years at a time when they seem more possible than ever before
The Blind Side - an awesome movie that helped prove that some of my dreams really are possible....
My adopted child with Compassion Int'l - Letu
The fact that friends on their way to her country can bring her a hand-delivered gift from me
My "little sister" from BigBrothersBigSisters
The ways she brings so much joy to my life
The hope of one day having children of my own
The hope of one day being a foster parent
The hope of one day adopting children
Being in a church where so many families are adopting so that when it's my turn, I'll have tons of resources around me
Hope
Beauty
Love
Joy
Pain
Tears
Transition
Boundaries
Prayer
Safety
Holidays
Great ethnic food
A love for cooking
Friends willing to be my guinea pig for new recipes (sometimes without knowing it!)
Space heaters for cold days at work
Digital cameras
Bookstores
Great books like Men and Women in the Church
Coffee
Gelato
Pedicures
Sleeping in late
Lazy mornings
Journals
Guilty-pleasure TV shows
Redbox
A great glass of wine
Happy Hour
Chocolate
Road trips
Clinique's Happy Heart
Candles
Gerbera Daisies
Rec Centers that make working out easy and affordable
Working out
White-water rafting
Snow Shoeing
Autumns on the East Coast...and my increasing appreciation for autumn in Colorado - though so different from back East
Four seasons
Having all five senses intact
Singing
The NFL
Travel
Freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want
The possibility of starting my own business - and the freedom it will bring (time, energy, resources)
The nerdy skill I have that translates into a great small business opportunity
Living in Colorado - with it's beauty, amazing climate and fantastic people
Living in Denver - which satisfies my love for urban environments with nature in close proximity
The Savior's love and sacrifice for me and you

Men and Women in the Church, part 2

2009-10-02T11:32:00.000-06:00

Continuing on from my previous post, did you feel something as you were reading just that small sampling? That strange feeling rising up...one that says "ooh, yes! You're right!" and at the same time "um...I'm not so sure about that one." I'm telling you...that's what happens throughout the entire book.

I can feel the Lord shifting and confirming so much in me. It's funny....because I would say that I've never really felt comfortable claiming to be on either side of this debate - I've always sort of subconsciously felt that truth was probably somewhere in the middle...but I've never really had the words (nor taken the time to research) to explain it.

But, while it's wildly confirming and freeing, it's also stirring up so much in me. I've realized how I've not fully been living as the woman I was created to be. It's weird...because I've never sought leadership yet it seems to find me. And, especially in the church world, I've stepped in (and enjoyed it) and the people and ministries I oversee seem to thrive. YET, I think subconsciously there's been this voice in the back of my head saying that the men in my life probably think that I'm "too strong, too gifted, too opinionated, too 'called'" and that I intimidate them.

It's weird too...because when I really think about it, I think I undercut myself in the "church" world...yet have no problem at all being fully and completely myself outside of church. My co-workers see me in all my glory - strong, intelligent, goofy, weak, ridiculous, silly, opinionated, etc - and they still like me. They embrace me for all that I am and push me to go further than I already do.

But, in church - even if I'm one of the key leaders in my church - I seem to undercut or downplay my role, my ability and most of who I am - with most people (though not my co-council members or those I directly lead). I am quieter, no where near as goofy, strong or opinionated.

I definitely do it with single guys at church though....I found myself doing it just the other day at lunch. I was eating lunch with some co-leaders and a newer friend happened to join us. My behavior was markedly different from before he sat down and after. SO ANNOYING! But, it was a good moment for me as well. Helped me realize that's what I do. So, I'm striving to a) act like myself in all my great and goofy glory no matter where I am or whom I'm with and b) figure out why I am different in church circles as compared to everywhere else.

Hmmm....so much to think about....

Men and Women in the Church, part 1

2009-09-29T16:05:00.005-06:00

This may very well be the most balanced, honest and challenging book I've ever read on women in leadership in the church. It's so good....so Biblical...so insightful.

Sarah Sumner, is amazing. She doesn't argue either a complimentarian or an egalitarian view of women in the church per se....but a balanced, truth-filled, middle ground. She shares her own story, lots of scripture and info on church tradition as passed down by our church fathers.

Here are just a few of the great things she says (and I'm only about half-way through the book):

"People who know me understand that I am a Christian, not a feminist. Here's what I mean by that. I am a follower of Christ (Mt 16:24). I confess with my mouth that "Jesus [is] Lord" and believe in my heart "that God raised Him from the dead" (Rom 10:9). My vocation is to become like Christ (Rom 8:29). With that, my number one goal is to love God foremost (Mt 22:37). If I were a feminist, my focus would be on women and equality and power. But since I am a Christian, my focus is on Christ and truth and grace (John 1:17). As a Christian, I don't function in a feminist paradigm.....Anyone who thinks that treating women fairly is a feminist thing to do, not a Christian thing to do, doesn't understand Christianity" (pg 27-28, italics mine).

"Granted, on the surface the debate about women has to do with proper roles. But underneath, it has to do with the more complex question of the God-given nature of women. Followers of Christ are struggling to figure out how it is that female human beings can be made in the image of God who reveals Himself as "he." On top of that, we're arguing about culture and perspectives and the authority of the Bible. In truth, we are arguing about a multitude of things because the question of women's identity inevitably is connectd to a multitude of other related factors. So many questions come to mind. For instance, what does it mean to be a woman? What does it mean to be a man? Why do an inordinate number of men avoid the church? Would even fewer men attend if women served as pastors and preachers? What are we going to do about the divorce rate? What about women who feel convicted to stay at home and rear their kids? What about the Bible? What about the church being true to obey God's Word?" (pg 31).

"I agree that it is not God's way for women to come barreling in making personal demands for themselves. But I would like to add that it's not God's way for men either. It's not God's way for women to interact as mutual lovers, but it's not God's way for men either. It's not God's way for mothers to abandon their children either born or unborn. And yet, it's not God's way for fathers either. In the kingdom of God, there is no double standard. All of us are responsible to live for God, and yet all of us are guilty of living primarily for ourselves." (pg 32).

This is a long one....
"From the start of my research, I have felt convicted by a well-known passage in I Peter: 'For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering he uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously.' (1 Peter 2:21-23)
"Every time I read this, I see the word you. God has called 'you,' meaning me, for this purpose, since Christ suffered for 'you,' meaning me, and left me an example for me to follow in His steps.
"Though many people might still argue that women are entitled to the political right to lead in the realm of church government, I do not concur. Within the Kingdom of God, people have only one right. The Bible says that all who receive Christ as Savior and Lord, to them God gives 'the right' to become children of God (John 1:12). That one right is sufficient. As long as I have the right to be a child of God, then my identity on earth cannot be threatened. I am God's child, an heir of the kingdom, empowered by the Spirit of the Lord.....The Bible does not say to lead one another. It says to 'love one another." Once we do that, we won't have a thought about clamoring for our positions anymore. Instead, we'll be like Him to came to serve (Mark 9:34; 10:35-45)." (pg 35-36)

"Although I am a woman, I have tacitly thought of myself as a special type of woman, the kind that can keep up with men. I've exercised the same pride and prejudice.....It wasn't a self-esteem issue. It was far deeper that that, and far more insidious and subtle. I've never for a moment wished I were a man. But, I have wished in a wordless way deep inside my ehart that I could somehow transcend my female self whenever I perceive that my womanhood has become a liability. " (pg 78-79)

And, finally:
"The Bible never commands us to strive for mature masculinity or mature femininity. Instead, the Word of God calls people to become like Christ. The right question is not 'Am I fulfilling my call to become a biblical man or a biblical woman?' The right question is 'Am I imitating Christ?'" (pg 86)

Gosh...there are so many fabulous quotes. I could type up the whole book if I'm not careful!

Gap #2: Counseling/Peer Counseling

2009-09-29T12:17:00.003-06:00

In a former post, I briefly mentioned something about "all this counseling/peer counseling stuff." Well...here's the explanation. :)

Basically, it's short and sweet. Believing that we are a "therapied-out" culture and that most of life's problems can be sorted out within the context of community, we're aiming to provide a space within our church where people can process their pain and past, receive prayer and be given helpful advice next steps to move from "victim" to active participant and conqueror of their own lives.

This past summer, we began the peer counseling ministry by doing a 12-week class for relational and sexual brokenness. We had about 20 participants and it could not have gone better. It was so humbling to watch people (begin to) get freedom from past pain, woundings, relationships and situations. We had a time of worship, a teaching and then broke up into gender-specific small groups for prayer and sharing. Topics we'd teach/discuss included understanding the Father's love, mother/father wounds, true feminine and true masculine.

We're going to continue to offer this class semi-regularly at our church. And, we're also setting up a peer-counseling program. We have a team of "lay" (ie - not professionally trained) counselors that will guide participants through a curriculum over a number of weeks. We've found that after most people go through this curriculum, they're end up not needing the services of a professional counselor. (It's not that we're against professional counseling....buy why pay someone who doesn't know you and/or has no context for your life when you can learn life/coping skills from someone for free and with whom you share normal life?)

So....anyway, that's the short, basic description. I get to oversee the folks who are running the counseling/peer counseling stuff day-to-day. We're building this ministry together - building the team, training them, gathering resources and setting up processes...not to mention, actually getting to participate in the peer counseling of others.

It's among the most amazing, life-changing things I've ever gotten the priviledge to be a part of.

Gap #1: I'm leading worship again

2009-09-25T10:20:00.008-06:00

If you read my most-recent post, you read about my stepping down from overseeing the worship ministry at my church. It's true - I'm no longer doing that. But, even as I'm positive I'm not to be overseeing the ministry, I've been on a journey of leading worship again for our services.

You may remember that I actually used to lead worship in our services and then, in the fall of 2006, I was asked to step away from leading at services (for a refresher, you can read here, here and here) so that I could move into other areas of leadership and oversight.

Initially, being asked to step away three years ago was devastating to me. Rather than being honored that there were larger opportunities for me to step into, I took it all to mean that I wasn't good enough to lead. Eventually, I saw things more clearly and even realized how relieved I was to still play and sing on the band without having to lead the band...and that, in fact, I hadn't really ever enjoyed or felt capable of leading it.

So, for nearly the past three years, I haven't led worship in any capacity. I've overseen the entire ministry and I've played on the band...but I haven't led anything (except for a very occasional small-group worship time). I haven't wanted to. I haven't even thought about it.

That is, until around three months ago.

We were starting a new healing/counseling class (see Gap #2....coming shortly, I promise) and according to the format we were using, we were going to start each class with a time of worship. I was the only one on the team who could play an instrument or sing or, for that matter, even had any worship experience. So, unhesitatingly, I volunteered to lead worship each week. (First noteworthy step - "unhesitatingly.")

And, over the 12-week course, things went really well. My musicianship wasn't perfect...but it wasn't terrible...and really, either way, it didn't matter. The Holy Spirit was there. People were interacting with the Lord. We were worshipping. And, I felt really comfortable and at peace leading. No weirdness. No insecruity. No worry. No anxiety.

About mid-June, I was in church (our worship team has gotten large enough now that I don't have to play on the band every week) and randomly had the following thought go through my mind: "I think I could lead again. I definitely need a few pointers on how to direct the band...but I think I'm ready to lead again."

Then, my friend Billy (amazing worship leader and songwriter whose song, "Oh Lord My Shepherd Be," appears on this album) emailed a few of us to suggest doing a worship leading workshop with some folks before he moved away to grad school. He sent that email about three days after I had that thought about leading again.

This email to him sums up what happened next:

"I think I told you this when you sent out the initial email sharing your idea to do a worship workshop of this sort....that I had been feeling it was time to step into leading worship again...but just needed someone to show me how to lead a band.

Literally three days after my initial thought, your email came. Definitely the Lord. :) Then, came the onslaught of attack then fear (both things I've not struggled with in any regard in a while....and specifically, not with worship at all in YEARS).

First it was the literal feeling of suffocation every time I'd step on stage - and just when I was on the band...not leading yet! - it truly was as if I had suddenly been thrown into having to learn a new language or that there was some physical and mental wall I couldn't scale. Strange. Disorienting. Discouraging. (and had only happened one other time in my entire life...in high school at a vocal competition where I had already taken first place in the first round...there was no need to fear the 2nd round audition).

Anyway, then, Sunday...all morning and specifically right before we started the workshop, I was panicking! Complete irrational fear took over. And, I couldn't get myself out from under it - even after J's sermon (ironically appropriate as it was about fear and getting our security and confidence from the Lord, not others) and prayer during ministry time. It was all these crazy thoughts - ranging from "everyone's going to think the song I choose is lame....they're all into "indy rock" and I'm as classic and vanilla as it comes. I'm going to be ostrasized before I even begin." to "everyone thought I sucked as a leader back in the day and they still think so. I'm completely inadequate and inside they're all thinking 'great, here we go again...why's she doing this when it's clear she can't lead?' " No need to mention how ridiculous all those thoughts were, that only a few people said any of those things back in the day anyway, that it's an entirely different group of people on the band now, that I've gotten a bit better as a musician/guitarist or that I've actually gotten tons of healing and freedom for all my performance-orientation crap.

Anyway, once we got started at the workshop, things just dissipated. All the fear. All the irrational thoughts. And the entire afternoon was so redeeming for me. Everything from hearing small statements of "ooh, I love that song" to how intuitive it felt to attempt to lead once I tried doing it (even though I know I still have LOTS of improving to do...it wasn't nearly as awful and overwhelming as it used to feel) to so many many statements and comments that YOU made that verbalized thoughts and feelings I've had for years but never felt adequate enough (or felt I had a voice) to say."

It really was amazing. And, since then, I've co-led our worship times twice and this Sunday night will be leading the worship time myself. I'm excited and I know this is the direction I'm supposed to be going in. Even though I'm not overseeing the worship ministry anymore...I'm definitely supposed to be leading again.

Gosh, it's nice to be able to actually think about worship again...rather than all the logistical details that go into running a ministry.

No More Cycles (hopefully)

2009-09-24T15:50:00.001-06:00

Lots has been going on! I'll spare all the gorey details but, suffice it to say that one more time, I've found myself over-committed, worn out and too busy. I've known it....but the point was driven home loud and clear when I had people from every different area of my life say "You're the busiest person I know" all in the span of about 10 days. A girl gets the picture after all of that.... :)

I feel like I've finally some clear-cut, honest, healthy resolution now though. After getting some prayer at church a few weeks ago, I realized how this busyness thing is a cycle for me (I'm sure all of you - if I still have any readers left! - have realized this a long time ago but I just did!)...and this cycle comes from a feeling of obligation to others. The last time the busyness stuff was this bad was two years ago when I nearly quit church and everything to do with Jesus and tried to date a non-believing co-worker (Remember? If not read here and here.)

And, though I'm handling this one much much better than that, some of the same stuff has emerged - basically, at the risk of "inconveniencing others," I say "yes" to everything, even when it's an inconvenience to me...I want to love others and give them the opportunity for whatever they need....but end up killing myself in the process.

So, while I'm not dumb enough to believe that I'll never have to deal with this again I feel like I have some tools to do things differently. The main one feels a little cheesy...but I think it is what I have to do - it's something we encourage our married couples at church to do and I think I'm going to do it with the Lord each week - have a "business/family" meeting to go over my schedule and my budget. I'm hoping that as I stay connected to Jesus in general and then specifically as it pertains to my schedule/priorities and money, I won't revisit this cycle as much!

Plus, even as the Lord's been (seemingly out of nowhere - I'll try to fill in this gap soon) opening the doors for me to be leading worship again, I really feel like I'm not supposed to be overseeing the worship ministry anymore.

There are what seems like a million confirmations about this - not the least of which is a redefining and re-opening of my heart for hurting/broken people. Two years ago after I hit bottom, I walked away from that time with two big things (though for some reason, I never wrote about either one on my blog...WEIRD) : 1) "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and 2) (after watching the movie Amazing Grace) a desperate cry to the Lord to be used to bring healing and freedom to others as Wilberforce had to the slaves in the UK (though not desiring to have anywhere near the same stage or noteriety)...and that's where my pursuit of a "little sister" and my heart for my co-workers were birthed.

So, as I've taken lots of time to re-evaluate stuff in the last few weeks, those two things came back to mind and my heart's been re-opened and re-softened to care for the broken and wounded. And, I feel all this counseling/peer counseling stuff (another thing I will attempt to catch my readers up on - hopefully soon) is exactly what I'm supposed to be giving my time to. I've taken worship as far as I can take it in the five (!) years I've been overseeing it.

I met with my pastor earlier in the week to present all of this to him and he agreed 100%. He was really affirming and complimentary about the job I've done and all....which was super encouraging. I was a little concerned that I'd have to sell him on the idea or that my stepping down from worship would cause someone else to have to do more work. And, he actually even said that (though I didn't) - that he knows I'm probably worried about inconveniencing someone else...but that it's clear the Lord's up to something and so I shouldn't worry about it. It was awesome and so confirming/encouraging.

And, finally, I met with my worship ministry coordinators (the ones I've been working directly with and who actually oversee the nuts and bolts of the worship ministry) a few nights ago to share all of this with them as well. And, it went really well. The Lord's been doing some significant and powerful stuff in their lives as well so I know that my stepping down is actually perfect for them....I think/hope/pray that they actually choose to step up into the position I just left.

And, now, I'm DONE! I'm so excited...and I never thought I'd ever want to be done with worship. But, the idea of not having the responsibility of all the details and bigger picture of worship on my back and of just being able to be a worship leader/band member makes me more excited than I can say!

Last night, I was at a church function and we had a few audio-visual snaffus arise. And, for the first time in FIVE YEARS, I didn't have to respond to it. Someone else was there and it was a stark, though GLORIOUS, moment to realize that those things were someone else's problem now...not mine (directly or indirectly).

I'm SO SO SO VERY EXCITED about all the Lord's allowing me to be a part of with our counseling and prayer ministries at my church. Knowing that the worship ministry is being so well taken care of by others so I can fully let it go and focus on counseling and prayer is absolutely GLORIOUS. :)

The Lord's timing, plan and love for me are astounding, humbling and so fulfilling.

A New Person, part 2

2009-09-24T14:56:00.001-06:00

(I know it's been over three months since my last post....)

This next one may take a bit to explain....

I'm part of the main leadership team of our church...we call it the Council...it's essentially the elder board. There are 13 amazing people on this team...and each of us is pretty uniquely gifted and talented. We each have our strengths and weaknesses...and it's an amazing gift to get to work together for the Kingdom and for our church. It's amazing to see how well we work together and how perfectly our strengths and weaknesses work together. (Plus, we have a WHOLE LOT of fun together...what a gift from the Lord that I get to work and live life with these folks!)

That said, last summer, during a council meeting, our pastor passed around an article on how teams work together. It specifically highlighted how people with different Myers-Briggs results are key at different times in the planting of a new church (or in our case, a new site of our existing church). It was really a very helpful article....however, ever since reading it, I felt this funny thing of being disconnected or expendable on the team - ironic, considering the article was supposed to do the exact opposite.

And, really, ever since that moment (without realizing until recently that that was where it started), I'd been battling this feeling of not belonging or not being important. It was just so strange too, because it's not like anyone on the team specifically ever said or did anything to make me feel that way. It was just this thing in my head...where literally every time I was with any of them, I would just have these irrational thoughts about how they didn't really want me there, they would prefer to hang out with someone else, they're stuck cleaning up my messes, I don't have anything to add to the conversation/project/ministry/anything. So annoying....so debilitating....

But, then early this summer, it all broke (yes...I'd been battling this since AUGUST of '08). It was a few weeks after that conversation with my pastor so...things were already moving in this direction...but I was meeting with P, a member of the council, about a new counseling/inner-healing class I was about to start leading at church. We were just chatting and shooting the breeze and I said something to which P replied, "wow...I'm impressed you can just see things that clearly and aren't afraid to say it. That's so great."

"I guess," I responded. "I think I'm finally just comfortable with who I am and my place on the team...."

(Don't ask me where that confidence had come from considering the real freedom was about to come via his response....)

"It's just funny that you've ever doubted your place, Natalie. I mean, there's a vital reason you're on it. C (another member of our council and with whom I share the same "stage" on that church-planting/Myers-Briggs article I mentioned above...but who hadn't come up at all in our conversation until that precise moment) does get things done. But, he's like a military guy- he can get anything done at any time....he just pushes through with no thought to the casualties around him. And, that's truly, really valuable at certain points. But, the benefit of having you and me on the team too is that we can implement as well...but we also pay a bit more attention to the people around us. We can care for (and even prevent) the casualties."

And, literally, that's when it all clicked together. In that moment, I realized that I had bunched C and I together since we were on the same "stage" in that silly article...and then, that I had compared (to C) and disqualified myself because one time our pastor made a (very accurate) comment that C was "the best implementer we had on our team." I had subconsciously decided that since C and I were on the same stage of project implementation but that he was the "best implementer" we had, than I had no value or place. That was never what was said nor was it was my pastor intended.

P's words to me over lunch that day brought me such freedom....as I connected all those dots, repented to the Lord for believing the way I had and have thus moved on. I now can truly embrace that C really is our best implementer but that doesn't in any way mean I'm not valuable or have a vital role on our team. My value lies simply in who I am....and my role is and rightly should be different than C's.

Aaaahhhhh.....

A New Person

2009-06-19T09:18:00.003-06:00

That's how I feel...like I'm a completely new person.

Even though they were nearly three months ago, my most-recent posts adequately give the backdrop for what this latest season of my life has been about - receiving deeper healing and freedom in knowing that I'm lovable and enjoyed.

After the near purse theft a few months ago, the next step into freedom was a life-changing statement by my pastor -

J: "I know that you're a emotional person...so whenever I have to confront you on something, I pray like crazy that the Lord will give me the right words to say so you hear my heart and that you can receive it how I intend it."

N: (internally) "awesome....why am I so emotional? I have to learn how to not be so damn emotional."

J: "You're probably thinking something like how you don't like that you're emotional and that I'm aware of it or something....you probably hate that I just said that. But, really, Natalie, I don't care how you feel about what I said. It's who you are and that's okay."

NAILED.

It took me about four hours to think through and hear what he actually said (which is a monumental thing in and of itself...because in the past, I never would have gotten past what I thought I heard rather than what he really said)...he didn't say "You're too emotional and need to have a tougher skin."

Instead, he said, "This is who you are. I accept you as you are. I adapt how I interact with you to meet you as you are."

There was no indictment on my behavior or personality. Instead, it was a cherishing, a protecting, a tender care for me.

A simple statement...yet it completely revolutionized things for me. Instead of feeling isolated and/or that I needed to change who I was to be acceptable, I realized that he (and the other members of our leadership team at church) really are for me and that who I am - as I am - is okay. That conversation made me feel safe, known, loved, cherished...celebrated even....

...a further crack into the protective walls I've put up around my heart....

And...there's more to come....

How a Near-Robbery Showed Me God's Love

2009-03-27T13:29:00.002-06:00

(Yes, three posts in one day. Don't get used to it! ;) It may be another few months before there's another post!)

On Monday, I walked away from my desk at work for a minute. Literally ONE MINUTE. When I came back, there was a client in front of my desk and a strange man I'd never seen before behind my desk. I was a bit disoriented with the scene...but helped the client and asked the man behind my desk what he was doing there. With a shrug as if to say "I'm not sure," he responded, "Applying for a job...?"

I wasn't buying it...but he came around to the front of my desk as I sat down. I stalled him from just walking out of the office by giving him our typical application spiel. I took in his description as I leaned over, nonchalantly, under my desk to pick up my large bag I take to work It was lighter than usual, so I looked inside - my purse was GONE!

I knew he had something to do with it missing and he knew I was onto him....so, he began to run out the door. I ran right behind him, screaming very loudly (all my years of vocal training has finally paid-off....I can project my voice very loudly!), "Give it back, give me my purse back now! STOP!!!"

I chased him down the stairs and up the street. But, once we got to the street, he ran much faster than me...I was quickly losing him. But, I was still chasing him and screaming.

Then, all of the sudden, I saw a co-worker run past me. Then another. Then another. And, then another. And, in a mix of fury, relief, frustration and anxiety, I collapsed in tears in the street - leaning up against a parked car. And, then a fifth co-worker was running past me, saw me and brought me over to the sidewalk. A sixth one (one of the owners of my company) met us on the sidewalk, put his arms around me, let me cry/shake/hyperventilate and walked me back to our building, encouraging me that the guys would catch the thief and get my purse back.

The guys did come back - with the thief's backpack - with us all thinking that my purse was in there. Still crying/hyperventilating, I tore open the backpack, only to find a ballcap, a box of frozen Hot Pockets (we think he stole them from our freezer), a small brown paper bag, and bolt cutters. No purse.

I immediately got on my computer to try to cancel my credit cards and bank account. All I could think is that in addition to my wallet, this thief now had my address, my phone and my keys (to my house and car). While I was frantically on the computer, another coworker said, "Is this your purse?"

It turns out it was - with my wallet and everything else still in there! The would-be thief didn't get my purse! We think that the client must have come in about 30 seconds after the thief and stunted the thief's attempt - so the thief just threw my purse to the corner. :)

Now, based on what I've said so far and the title I used for this, I bet you think that simply because my purse wasn't stolen, I'm more aware of God's love for me. But, that's not the case. While I'm extremely relieved that all of that drama and panic turned out to be for nothing, that's not what illustrated God's love for/to me.

Instead, the fact that four co-workers simply heard my screams and, without a second thought, chased after the would-be thief, with no regard for their own safety, did it. I'm in awe that they were willing to fight for and defend me. That's mostly why I collapsed in the street - in relief that I wasn't alone having to chase down this guy...but that four people I know only from work and don't spend much if any time with outside of the office, went to bat so quickly and readily for me. Then, the other two guys who comforted me and allowed me to feel weak, vulnerable, scared and upset - that was amazing too.

I feel like it all goes in line with what the Lord's been showing me and trying to teach to me - that I am loved, loveable, cared for, seen and not alone. That I'm allowed to be weak and show others that I need them. That when I'm willing to let my guard down and show people that I need them, I won't be neglected or ostrasized...but embraced with open arms.

Even later that day, I found myself apologizing to all six of those guys - for screaming and making a scene for what turned out to be nothing. And, all six of them told me I had done exactly the right thing and there was nothing to apologize for. Also, I found myself unable to adequately express my thanks to all six of them - a mere "thank you" felt so inconsequential. Their brave, strong, kind acts did something profound in me.

Maybe I'm, finally, beginning to tap into feeling and embracing what it means to be loved....because I know that what they did is so meager in comparison to the Lord's and to my close family and friend's love for me.....

A (Continued) Work In-Progress, Part 2

2009-03-27T12:49:00.003-06:00

Last weekend, I went to a small intentional/discipleship group (iGroup) with a few girls from my church. I went for a functional reason - one of the girls in the group oversees a ministry that I will soon be overseeing and I wanted to be a part of the transition. But, it ended up that the Lord had so much more in-store for me.

I need to give a bit more context for it to make sense:
As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been working through my mother/lonliness issues again. Recently, I summed up everything I was feeling in a joural entry, telling the Lord that "I believe that You and others love me...but I can't feel or embrace it. Somewhere, there's a disconnect. Please heal whatever the disconnect is and help me to feel, know and embrace the love you and others have for me."

In the moment, He worked profoundly in me through Psalm 31. (Read it here for yourself - specifically verses 2, 7-12, 14-17, 19-24 - to understand what I was feeling and the hope the Lord offered me.)

Then, at iGroup the other night, we were talking about and praying through the different personal issues/anxieties that we feel keep us from really being able to think about the world and offer hope, the One true HOPE, Jesus, to the world. I mentioned the whole "knowing but not being able to embrace being loved" thing and the girls prayed for me. There's no good way for me to explain the experience...other than it was profound. I felt really safe being as raw and broken as I was and was able to embrace the love being offered to me from the girls as well as from the Lord. While we were praying, I felt like the Lord spoke to me - revealing a lie I'd chosen to believe as a small child, that "I wasn't worth being loved." I confessed the lie outloud and prayed through it. And, honestly, while I know I'm not out of the woods yet, I feel like the prayer and freedom I experienced on Sunday night was huge, vital and a significant step in gaining greater healing and freedom.

A (Continued) Work In-Progress

2009-03-27T12:13:00.003-06:00

It's been forever and I'm not quite sure where to start! Blame the lack of postings on busyness, laziness or maybe maybe just some reclusiveness. I've been processing a lot and I feel like I'm in the midst of, once more, delving into the depths of my heart and allowing the Lord to free and heal me - at a familiar, though much deeper, place.

For about the last six months, I've been carrying this intense feeling of lonliness - more real than I think I've ever felt before - even though I have a million people in my life. At a leadership retreat in January, my pastor asked each of us which of the following was easiest and which of the following was the most difficult:

Messiness with God
Messiness with spouse and close friends
Messiness with the people who lead me
Messiness with the people I lead
(Giving space for the) messiness of those I lead

(Messiness here is defined as someone in-process, being raw, emotional, weak, vulnerable, etc.)For nearly everyone else in the room, one of their easiest ones was #2: "Messiness with spouse or close friends." But, not for me.

Apart from the obvious inability for me to be messy with a spouse I have yet to meet, the reality that I really am closed off from my close friends hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm MUCH more comfortable messy with God, the people I lead or with those not very close to me. But, for some reason, the closer one is to me, the harder it is for me to be weak or broken around them. It's almost as if I'm afraid that I'll be rejected if I show them just how screwed up I really am.

I'm smart enough to have started putting things together and realized that my fear of being weak or messy around my closest friends and the overwhelming lonliness I've been feeling were linked. And, as I thought and prayed through it more, I realized that, once again, these things are results of growing up with a mentally (and now, completely physically) unavailable mother.

The realization was on one-hand a relief - to realize that I'm not just relationally unavailable and closed-off because I've decided to be or am some cold-hearted, closed-off moron...that there really is a reason I struggle with these things. Specifically, I realized that the reason I was afraid to be close to the people closest to me is for fear of rejection and abandonment - yes, because of my mother (that's where the wound began)...but more recently because, of the few people I had risked being messy and vulnerable with in the past few years, three of them are no longer in my life and have chosen to not have me in their lives. Although I can understand that they're also broken, etc and that some friendships just don't endure, it hurts - still, year(s) later - more than I would like to admit. It feels like abandonment; it feels like once they saw the real me, it wasn't good enough or scared them away.

But, honestly, more than the relief I felt for understanding why I was feeling and struggling the way I was, I was irritated and infuriated. I feel like I've been here so many times; like I've faced these issues, worked through them and experienced freedom and genuine life-change so many times. Yet, here I am again...as if no progress has been made, as if I've not done any work for the past 12 long years.

That's how it feels. And, yet, I know it's different this time. I know I'm different. I know progress has been made. As I processed a lot of this with my pastor, he said tons of encouraging and enlightening things. But, the thing that was the most impactful was: "Natalie, your weakest relationships now are far healthier than your best relationships were just a few years ago. There's been tons of growth and progress. Now, you're just going deeper (again)."

So, for the past few months, I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation - acknowledging and accepting how I feel in a certain moment or how a situation makes me feel. Then, I counteract what I'm feeling with the truth I know about something or someone. I've been praying a lot and learning to allow myself the honest freedom to be in process, to be broken, to feel what I'm feeling without rationalizing it away and I've been letting those closest to me honestly into the process, the brokeness and the feelings with me - without trying to package it up for or justify it to them. It's been hard...I'm not going to lie. But, it's also been liberating and freeing. And, I'm seeing a bit more progress every day....

Hmmm.....

2009-02-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets thei dea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

~ Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931-2005, Pastor & former President of the SouthernBaptist Convention

Thankful Thursday, Take 58

2009-01-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

Thanking God this week for:

A chance to go up to Estes Park for just one evening of the four-day long National Vineyard Worship Leaders Retreat
The chance to reconnect with some old friends at the retreat
The chance to make new friends with others at the retreat - one of the girls even stayed at my house for a few days before and after
Continuing my reign as shuffleboard champion
The chance to take four friends/worship folks from my church up there with me
Snowshoeing last Sunday with Jennie, Tif and Robyn
My job
The council planning retreat this weekend
The amazingly gorgeous 65-70+ degree weather this week
History being made with the inauguration of our first black president
The opportunities before us
The Lord's profound love for me

Thankful Thursday, Take 57

2009-01-15T13:29:00.002-07:00

Thanking God this week for:

Perspective and realignment
A fun holiday party at work this past weekend (and 8+ hrs of paid overtime to plan it, decorate it, set it up, clean up, etc)
Some down time
Hearing the Lord's voice clearly again
Feeling like myself (joyful and not heavy-hearted and hopeless) for the first time in a few months
A great, illuminating lunch with Becca
A time to repent of my own actions with the entire S situation - how my fear of seeming discontent or unfaithful to the Lord by saying I long to be in a relationship with someone contributed to my getting so close to S and, in a sense, making him dependant on me without my having any intention of dating him. Wow...the heart is deceiptfully wicked....
A FABULOUS meeting about our downtown church hub plant and all the Lord was speaking
A spectacular small group meeting last night - proof that lots of prayer and a little preparation does a lot more than a lot of preparation and just a little prayer. He does the work and gets the credit...not me.

Trip Home, Part 3

2009-01-08T12:18:00.003-07:00

This one's a little more complicated.....

I've briefly mentioned a few times about my totally platonic friend from work who doesn't know the Lord but through whom the Lord has done so much in my life. "S," as we'll call him, really is AMAZING. We've become better and better friends and I desperately love him as a little brother. I have so much faith that one day (even if it's years from now) he's going to come to know Jesus and follow Him passionately.

To make a long (and somewhat boring) story short - we are both from Pennsylvania (grew up only an hour apart from one another) and decided that it'd be fun to spend some time together while we were both back East (especially because I have very few friends left back there). As I don't have a car there, he offered to make the hour + drive to pick me up. He did, we went back to his parents' house, hung out with some of his high school friends (who, as an aside, amaze me since they've been out of school for years and live all over the country...yet are really super close still...talk about community) and he drove me home. It was great fun to put faces to names and stories I'd heard so much about. Yet, I left feeling really good about the fact that I have such a good, solid friend with whom there are no complicating emotional or romantic feelings. Especially since he told me that day that he had started getting a bit more serious about a girl he'd been seeing casually. Brilliant! We're safe....really just friends still.

Then, I got home and had both of my parents sit me down separately to tell me how great they think S is, how he's a "9 on a scale of 10", how they can tell he's totally crazy about me and couldn't take his eyes off of me and how, though they normally wouldn't suggest my dating someone who doesn't know Jesus, they are this time because they've seen how the Lord worked it out with my three sisters...so they thought He would work it out for me and S as well.

AGH!!!!!

I can't really fault them as they just put words to stuff I had been wondering myself. He had become way more intentional and attentive in the past month or so....basically their words just confirmed what I was afraid of...yet, honestly, still sort of wanted to hear. VERY CONFUSING.

That all basically screwed with my head for a few days. I was all over the place. Confused. Excited. Nervous. Scared. Excited. Confused. Hopeful. Fearful. I mean, he really is a great guy....just doesn't know Jesus and that is a non-negotiable for my dating someone. But, what if my parents were right? What if he really would come to know the Lord through our dating? And, what about that girl he was apparently dating now? Was she really just a distraction because he didn't think he was good enough for me like my parents said....?

And, did I really have feelings for him? Was I even attracted to him? I didn't know.

I was literally all over the place.

And, when I went before the Lord and prayed about it, I felt like He said two things to me:

"You haven't asked" (as in, "you've never asked me for this to happen" and "you've never admitted that he's the person you want to be with").

Okay...."well, Lord, if he came to know you, then YES, I think he's the one I want to be with."

"You don't believe that I can change people"

Okay, "Well, Lord, forgive me for doubting you. And, please prove to me that You can and do change people...that You can and do work in their lives to bring them to You. I'd love it if it were S....I hope it will be one day (not even for romantic reasons but just for his own benefit)....but please just let it be anyone...."

Now....I don't believe that these words from the Lord meant that anything will, should, can or might happen between S and me. I really think He was getting to the deeper heart of issues for me -

Desire. I don't often really look at or admit my own desire to be in a relationship (believe it or not). It's as if I think that I'm somehow less faithful or something if I admit that the Lord isn't enough for me...and that I long to have someone in my life. Well, I'm finally admitting it. I'm finally saying it. I'm finally letting myself off the hook. I long to be married...to have someone to live and share life with...
Change. It's actually (unfortunately) very true...I don't believe people change. Meaning, I've never seen anyone who doesn't know Jesus actually choose to follow Him and allow their lives to be radically changed by Him. I believe it can happen intellectually....but have never experienced it happen around me. And, after three years of working with and loving these people and still not seeing any of them even close to even wanting Jesus, I just have a hard time believing it ever will - and specifically that S ever will...he's so not interested in Jesus. I want it to happen.... I want to see someone, anyone come to know Jesus...to see their lives change, to see them living in the conscious knowledge of the Lord's love, freedom, redemption and goodness. So, I'm finally asking...I'm finally begging...to see it happen in someone's life. Anyone's life. I'm asking for the faith to believe it will happen someday. I'm asking to see it happen.

Okay, great...but where does all that leave me with S?

I've had quite a bit of time to think about it, pray about it, talk with some very trusted friends and feel put back together now and far less confused. Plus, just getting back into my normal day-to-day life has provided some much-needed perspective and normalcy.

The truth is, I really truly don't have feelings for S. He's a great man. But, he's not THE man for me. At least not now. We've had a few in-depth conversations in the few weeks since returning to Colorado just about life in general - nothing even remotely close to something about relationships or whatever - and it's helped show me some of the deeper aspects of who he is. I still adore and appreciate him...but the stark difference between a good man and a good man who is a follower of Jesus is overwhelming. I'm not willing to settle for merely "good." I want "good who follows Jesus wholeheartedly."

So, we're still friends....though I'm pulling back a little. Jennie wisely mentioned that S needs to become less dependant on me. And, it's true. For my good. For his good. And for the good of his new relationship. If he's dating another girl but still emotionally and circumstantially closer and dependant on me, that's no good for anyone. I want the best for him...and that includes respecting and blessing this new relationship....even if he's not aware of the disfuntion and unhealth of how things are working right now. I want them to succeed. And, if the Lord wills it, for both of them to come to know Jesus.

Trip Home, Part 2

2009-01-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a pictoral account of my time back East for Christmas -

My extended family - partaking in my Uncle's "Christmas American Idol" (essentially Christmas Karoke). My team, sadly, did not win. But, we sure had fun! Pictured here is the winning team (Cousin Chris, Sister Jessica, Grandpa, Cousin Stephanie and Friend Noelle)

This team also did not win (Uncle Joe, Aunt Natalie, Grandma)

My team (brother Eli, Cousin Joe, me and soon-to-be cousin-in-law (?) Monica)

This is my pathetic attempt to photograph the ridiculous singing of the 12 days of Christmas. It was hilarious!

My sister and my grandfather

Me and my grandmother

My nephew, Damien

Me and my nephew Kaleb

My nephews' parents (sister Rebecca and brother-in-law Ray)

Sister Natasha and I

Sister Jessica and I

My father and I

ALMOST all the siblings! (from left to right: Damien, Ray (brother-in-law), Rebecca, Noah, Natasha, Mike (brother-in-law), Eli, Kaleb, Anthony, Jessica and me. We're just missing my older sister Nikki and her family.) Wow...there are a LOT of us!

Trip Home, Part 1

2009-01-06T13:13:00.002-07:00

So, obviously, I've not been very good at keeping up with this blog in recent months! I'm going to try to be better....but I think that all my free time gets wasted with Facebook....and alas no real time to post here. Embarrassing....but true. ;)

Anyway, let's see..... I went back East for Christmas. And, it was probably the best trip I've ever had with my family. It was really just so splendid. I was able to spend significant time and have great conversations with nearly all of my siblings, my parents and my nephews. And, got to see my grandparents and extended family as well. The weather couldn't have been more perfect. I landed in NYC just after all the horrible snow and ice storms and only encountered a bit of rain the entire week I was back. (That's a miracle in-and-0f itself!)

Spending time with each and every person was really spectacular. But, I think the highlight was my time with my father. He had to retire early (back in March or so) because of his back. He had back surgery earlier this year and isn't allowed to go back to work. My father has always been an active, physical person. Always doing something. Working on something. Busy with some project or doing some sport...or at least working in the yard. But, after his surgery, all of that has had to stop. He can't be active at all. So, I came home worried about how he'd be...since he's so confined and limited in his activity.

But, surprisingly, he was the most contented, level-headed and even-keeled I've ever seen him. He's not thrilled to not be able to do anything physical....but he's not depressed or frustrated as I feared he'd be.

But, that's only part of the story - he also was recently diagnosed with ADD.... at 60 years old. It's a little odd, I admit. But, at the same time, it actually makes sense. Now he's on medication for it and he's so different. But, good different. Meaning - he's still himself, completely. Except that he's better able to concentrate on conversations and he's more even-keeled and patient.

Wow...I guess I'm making it sound like he was a freak formerly or something. And, that's not the case. But, it was such a pleasure to go home and be pleasantly surprised with how well he's doing and all given how bad it could have been.

Plus, I really enjoyed just talking with him about all sorts of stuff and knowing that he was really paying attention to everything I was saying...and not only paying attention but also really interested. I think our two-hour drive to the airport as I was leaving was maybe my favorite part of my trip (and that's saying a lot because there were many highlights).

Thankful Thursday, Take 56

2008-12-19T09:17:00.002-07:00

Wow...it's been a while....

Thanking God these past few weeks for:

A great Thanksgiving time with some dear friends
A wonderful sister who turned 21 (Love you, Becca!)
Another wonderful sister who turned 25 (Love you, Jess!)
A great new small group - and everyone's openness and excitement
The new friendships/relationships being formed in that small group
Learning how to extend grace to myself and letting myself off the hook.
Getting to see family next week for Christmas
The opportunity to go on a road trip with Jennie over New Years
The fact that that road trip means Jennie'll be living in Denver again! WOO HOO!
The reminder that the Lord is my Advocate...and I don't need anyone else nor do I have to do it myself
The reminder and assurance that I'm working where I'm working for a far greater purpose than simply to get a paycheck. The Lord has me here to reveal Himself to the people I work with.
My job
That even with a great job, the Lord is my Provider. Not my company.
The advent season
The opportunity to celebrate the birth and arrival of my Lord.

Merry Christmas all! In the midst of all the commercialism and busyness of the season, may you be surrounded by the present awareness of our Lord and find moments of peace and reflection with Him.

Thankful Thursday, Take 55

2008-11-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

Keeping with what's become a Thanksgiving tradition, here are 100 things I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving:

My Savior – who died for me, lives for me, saved me, loves me and allows me to live for Him.
The remarkable journey the Lord’s had me on for the past (nearly) 30 years. I can’t begin to imagine what the next 30 will bring.
Sunshine and blue skies
The Autumn – crisp weather, bright blue skies, beautiful colored leaves, yummy food
The Lord’s provision – always supplying above and beyond what I need even when I don’t think things will come together
My job – in a year when we now have HALF the staff firmwide that we had a year ago at this time
The opportunity to step into some new things at work – I’m making lemonade with lemons. I’m now doing the job of three people – but I love every second of it and am amazed at the favor and the opportunities I’m being given.
Getting to work for a company that’s far from perfect yet really still amazing. I’m telling you, they illustrate so many Kingdom principles and don’t even know it. I can’t wait to see what it’ll be like once they all do know Jesus.
Relational favor with so many of my coworkers – they’re friends, not just coworkers
Hope
Confidence
My parents
My siblings
My extended family
That I have such an enormous family when so many others don’t have any. (I simply cannot imagine not having so many amazing people in my life)
Awesome relationships with my younger siblings as they grow up and mature
My beautiful nieces and nephews: Kristin, Natalie, Damien and Kaleb
A couple new brothers-in-law: Mike and Ray and how happy they’ve made my sisters
My brother-in-law Ray’s salvation – the amazing life-change in him and how it’s effecting Rebecca and the boys
My dad’s good health coming through back surgery earlier this year and the hope that he’ll have full healing and mobility soon
The commitment my parents have to their children’s (and children’s spouse’s) salvation – I know they’ve prayed for years for all of our spouses and were directly responsible for Ray’s coming to know Jesus.
Sisters who are also good friends: Nikki and Jessie
Friends who are also sisters: Ini, Becca, Jennie, Tiffani, Melanie, Jill, Leslye and all they teach me about so many things
A completely platonic friendship with a guy from work – who doesn’t know Jesus – and yet, the Lord’s used SOOOO MUCH to teach me about Himself, about relationships, about my value and about what I can hope for in the future. (And the promise from the Lord at the very beginning that He is in the middle of this friendship….)
Seeing Jennie after the year+ she spent in Uganda!
My relationship with my “Little” – Angelica. She is so fun, so smart, so wonderful, reminds me how simple and lovely life really can be
The chance to effect a life and her family half-way around the world through Compassion International
The remarkable honor of pastoring others and watching them grow, lean into all the Lord has for them and pastor others themselves – Jeff, Angie, Missi, Kenton, Tim, Brittney
The opportunity to lead a small group
The people in my small group – it’s such a diverse group yet everyone’s so committed to Jesus, to each other and to the group. I’m excited to see what happens as the weeks unfold.
My Church – the Arvada Vineyard
The favor we (my church) have in the city, the community at large, the country and the world for the Kingdom. It blows my mind.
The honor and responsibility of getting to be on the church council and helping to architect, design and build what we do as a church
The promise of expanding our church into new sites around the city – specifically downtown in the next few months
The obvious heart and plan the Lord has for the people downtown and the privilege we get to be included in that plan.
The obvious and exciting call on Nicole who is leading our efforts for the downtown site and is its pastor
My pastors and friends – Jay and Danielle
Our amazing worship team – led by Jeff and Angie
My house – for a million reasons
My home – specifically that I can pay for it by myself and that I’ve lived there for over two years (the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I moved out of my parents’ house)
Living so close to downtown
Downtown at night – the lights and the skyline are GORGEOUS and I get to see it from my house!
The Giants winning the Super Bowl last season and being well on their way to win again this year! GO BLUE!!!!
Getting to spend Christmas with (most of) my family.
Getting to go on a road trip with Jennie over New Years – and that it’ll mean she’s back living IN Denver. Yippee!
The two cheap one-way tickets that will allow me to see my family for Christmas and fly from NYC to OH to meet up with Jennie so we can go on our road trip!
The healing and life-change that’s happening for my sister Nikki, my brother-in-law Larry and my nieces
The kindness of Larry to offer to fly me to MN for Thanksgiving since I’ve not seen them in over two years - even if I can't make it....
The hope of a future family for myself
All the things the Lord’s been reminding me of and doing in me regarding my future family
All that the Lord’s healed me of so my future husband and children don’t have to deal with it!
A “new” computer for $10
My 11-year-old car that keeps running almost as good as new– Go Toyota!!!
Lower gas prices
A fun trip to the Sand Dunes this spring with Leslye and Melanie
An amazing birthday party that merged so many of my “worlds” and that was thrown by my amazing friends Ini and Becca!
New (inexpensive) snow shoes and the promise of fun snow-shoeing adventures this winter! Getting to take in the majesty of the Rockies and see things/places few will get to….
The generosity of others
The Lord’s tender card for me
The Lord’s kindness
The Lord’s love
The Lord’s words of confirmation, affirmation and direction
The Lord’s patience
The Lord’s compassion
The Lord’s mercy
The Lord’s grace
The Lord’s forgiveness
The chance to sing in two weddings this year – one for a sister and one for a dear friend
Opportunities to share Jesus with my friends who don’t know Him yet
A great glass of wine
All the new babies being born to friends and coworkers
Seeing the fulfillment of things the Lord told me years ago and the hope that the rest will be fulfilled soon
Great recipes
The hope of Heaven
My friend and co-worker Chrisy who passed away a few months ago
The ability to sing and play the piano and guitar
Down comforters
Bargains
Working out and enjoying it
Reconnecting with old friends
Really great eye-liner
Cell phones, email, facebook and other ways to keep in touch with those far away
The promise that I won’t get sick like my mother
Sunflower Market!
The smell of Clinique Happy Heart perfume
Living so close to the majestic Rocky Mountains
Freedom from fear, anxiety, insecurity and timidity (most of the time….)
Having a story to tell others (of my growth, God’s faithfulness, proof of change) and how it encourages/challenges others in their walk with the Lord
Brothers & Sisters (my guilty-pleasure TV show)
Shuffleboard at church retreats!
Sunsets
The ocean
Pictures
Sleep
Kodie, my cat
Rest/downtime
Google calendar (yes, I'm a dork...but I'm telling you, this thing has changed my life...or at least made it more managable)
Movies
Holidays!
The promise of what’s to come….

Thankful Thursday, Take 54

2008-11-26T08:46:00.002-07:00

Agh! I totally forgot to do this last week!
Thanking God last week for:

A great new small group
The amazing people in the small group
Great family
Watching some people I've been pouring into step out in leadership
Seeing how those same people are growing and maturing
A fun time at Glenn Eyrie - the Navigator's castle - for our small group
The Lord's provision
The freedom to worship the Lord
Being loved and known and accepted by Jesus just as I am.

Thankful Thursday, Take 53

2008-11-13T16:24:00.003-07:00

Thanking God this week for:

A yummy new pumpkin-blackbean soup recipe - Thanks, Melanie! (And my ability to salvage my initial mistake on a very easy recipe!)
The NFL - and getting to watch the games with friends (though, it is especially sweet when my team wins! GO GIANTS!!!)
Reconnecting with old friends (I talked with one of my best friends from college this week - Jessica. I think it'd been well over a year since we talked!)
Lots of laughter and delicious homemade Indian food with the other women on the church council
Knowing that our time together Tuesday night (laughing and eating Indian food) was the first of more regular times for the six of us to hang out
A great time to connect with my new small group worship leaders - to get to know them better, to vision-cast a little together and to enjoy the aforementioned pumpkin-blackbean soup
MY NEW SMALL GROUP! We had 11 come last night (I think there'll be 18 when all are able to attend). People were so open, so vulnerable and so excited...rightoff the bat. I can't believe I get to co-lead this amazing group of people. I have so much hope and anticipation for what God's going to do in and through us!
Confirmation from the Lord - to know what to step down from, what to step into (if I get a chance, I'll write more about this in an upcoming post).
Dreaming and visioning for ministry again
New opportunities in ministry and in relationship
My job - and that even though things are really busy right now (same amount of work to do, fewer people to do it), my confidence isn't in my job...thus my sense of peace isn't rattled because of the job market/economy.
The kindness of the Lord to love me, know my heart, affirm me, care for me and include me in the things He's doing.

Thankful Thursday, Take 52

2008-11-06T19:04:00.003-07:00

Wow....it's been a year that I've been doing this....time goes by so quickly.....

Thanking God this week for:

New opportunities at work - finally time to use my degree! :) Human Resources and copy-editing, here I come. YEA!!!!!!!
The Lord's favor and mercy on me in regard to my job...that I still have one
Sustaining me with all my material needs
Being able to pay all my bills when so many have lost their jobs and are struggling
Good friends
Excitement, hope, anticipation - even if I don't know entirely what for.....
Wise and encouraging - freeing words - from someone I trust implicitly
The holiday season is coming....yippee!!!!!
The way He works out my schedule and cares for me....even when I'm seeking to care for others. A meeting got cancelled tonight that I just didn't have the capacity for since I've been running in so many directions doing so much. Yea for an unexpected evening off to catch up!
Being sought out for my opinion and perspective...by someone I trust a whole lot
The presidential race being over....really, I got so sick of political ads by the end that I didn't even care who won (okay, not really...but you get my drift)
The new leader the Lord has put in place (Hebrews 13)
That my hope is placed in the Lord alone...not in rulers. Though I didn't vote for Obama, I'm actually excited that he'll be president. I'm excited for all that it means...in many implicit and explicit ways......but yet, my hope isn't in a leader or government...my hope for my own life and for change in this world is in Christ alone.
His love
His Sovereignty

Thankful Thursday, Take 51

2008-11-03T13:16:00.003-07:00

Sorry, folks - but last week was pretty intense....no down time at all at work to visit my blog.

Thanking God last week for:

Getting to connect with Angelica again - she's really fantastic! I love spending time with her.
Some direction on what to teach at my new small group. We're going to focus on the basics - back to our identity in Christ. For those TLIers who are reading this, guess what book we're going to read? Abba's Child by Brennan Manning!
Still having a job - last week, we closed two of our offices and laid off about 15 additional people (seven in my office alone). I'm not sure why I still have a job when so many don't (including my boss but I'm very thankful. When I prayed about it earlier last week, I really felt like the Lord said that He had a plan for me here and wasn't done with me at DW yet.
New opportunities at work. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a little "survivor's remorse" that I still get to have my job when so many are losing theirs. But, I'm also excited for the opportunities that these vacancies will afford me.
A nice, low-key weekend in the midst of lots of church retreats! (I'm in the middle of a season where I have retreats four of five weekends). CRAZY yet fun! But, I sure needed this laid back weekend!
The kindness of a friend to pay for my going on one of the retreats as I just can't afford - but need to be at - all these retreats.
The Lord's kind provision
The Lord's persistence to bring me freedom with my finances

Thanful Thursday, Take 50

2008-10-23T10:30:00.000-06:00

Thanking God this week for:

Paying only $2.65 a gallon for gas! Woo Hoo!
A great weekend with my team - feeling like this downtown site of our church is really going to happen!
The Lord's plan for downtown...and our being included in it!
The crazy chance to connect with some amazing leaders and speakers at the Off the Map Conference this weekend (not just meet them but actually spend time with them, learn from them and become friends with them)
The Lord's tender and AMAZING KINDNESS to me
GREAT friends - who love me, pray for me, support me and carry me
TRUTH that sets me free from lies and attacks of the enemy
The opportunity to teach last night at Discovering Community - on communication - and really how well it went. It's the first time I've spoken to a group that large (about 75 people) and I was really comfortable with how it turned out. Other than a bit of a shaky start with my intro, it was really great! Thanks, Jesus!

The Kindness of Jesus

2008-10-20T13:54:00.003-06:00

In follow-up to my post from last week, I'm just in awe of the kindness of Jesus in my life.

This weekend, my friend M and I were prayer-walking around downtown Denver in preparation for when my church expands and opens a site there. And, while we were praying, we were also talking....and I shared how weary I am of being alone, how ready I am to have a mate and how a good friend of mine (S) has become such a blessed example and gift from God of what I'm longing for (although he doesn't know Jesus, while we're not dating and while we are totally platonic friends--there really is no attraction from either of us for the other).

After sharing all that with her, she told me that she'd had a dream about me a few nights earlier that hadn't made sense until she heard my story. Basically, in the dream, I was married to a guy that doesn't know Jesus and pregnant with his child. And, for some reason, in the midst of that and as happy as I was, I called my friend M to talk. During our conversation (in the dream), she said to me, "Oh, Natalie, there's so much more for you. This is just the tip of the iceberg."

With the context of how I'd been feeling lately...and even of how my friend S has been such a blessing to me (how so much of the time we've spent together lately has opened my eyes to what I'm longing for and missing out on and to even a glimpse of what I'm excited for someday...although none of the feelings are getting me attached to S (which is a blessing in and of itself if you know me and how easily I used to get emotionally attached to guys)). Anyway, in context, her dream basically meant: I don't have to feel guilty for the emotions that are emerging through my time with S, and that all of the great stuff I'm experiencing with S is just the "tip of the iceberg." That there really is so much more than that out there for me...when I am finally in the relationship that the Lord has for me.

Basically, that dream was a reminder and confirmation that the Lord really does have someone for me. He's told me that before....but it's been a while and with nothing actually happening anywhere, it has been hard to hold onto the hope lately. So, how amazingly tender and kind it was of Jesus to remind and confirm for me - especially through someone (M) who hasn't known where I was at with things lately. I'm in awe....and just so thankful.....

unChristian

2008-10-20T10:39:00.005-06:00

Every person who says he/she is a follower of Jesus must read this book.

Here's what Publishers Weekly said about this book: "Kinnaman, president of the Barna Institute, was inspired to write this book when Lyons (of the Fermi Project) commissioned him to do extensive research on what young Americans think about Christianity. Lyons had a gut-level sense that something was desperately wrong, and three years of research paints exactly that picture. Mosaics and Busters (the generations that include late teens to early 30-somethings) believe Christians are judgmental, antihomosexual, hypocritical, too political and sheltered. Rather than simply try to do a PR face-lift, Kinnaman looks at ways in which churches' activities actually may have been unchristian and encourages a return to a more biblical Christianity, a faith that not only focuses on holiness but also loves, accepts and works to understand the world around it. It would be possible to get lost in the numbers, but the authors use numerous illustrations from their research and life experiences and include insights at the end of every chapter from Christian leaders like Charles Colson, John Stott, Brian McLaren and Jim Wallis. This is a wonderful, thoughtful book that conveys difficult truths in a spirit of humility. Every Christian should read this, and it will likely influence churches for years to come."

Some friends and I had the amazing chance to have lunch with Dave on Saturday after hearing him speak at a conference put on by Jim Henderson and his organization, Off the Map. It was just the nine of us packed around a small table at a local Denver restaurant and conversation (and humor) came easily. He's amazing and his humble heart for Jesus, the church and those who don't follow Jesus is so evident.

He was nice enough to give us some copies of his book...and I started reading mine this weekend. It's devastatingly accurate - at least, my experiences with those who don't follow Jesus confirm the things he says in his book. I think it's honestly a wake-up call to those who DO follow Jesus - if we hope to reach anyone for Jesus, we must pay attention to the things highlighted in this book.

Dichotomy

2008-10-17T10:09:00.003-06:00

I think I have these posts every once in the while.....but, here we go again....

Two years ago, I was in counseling....and those eight months with Angie did so much for me. Things that now seem so normal and commonplace - in the way I think, live, act, feel - were absolutely LIFE-ALTERING as we worked through them. And, today, as I write this, there are two distinct things she said that are ringing through in my mind right now:

It is possible to be exceedingly happy and fulfilled while at the same time sad, discontent and longing.
What does it look like for me to recognize that I am fully my own entity...fully alone and my own being - even whilst having a great family and friends? What does it look like for me to recognize that I'm no longer an everyday part of the family I grew up in? And to recognize that I'm not yet a part of the relationship/family I will have one day?

In that vein, there are so many great and exciting things happening in my life right now. Things I'd never have expected to get to be a part of. Church-planting, pastoring, reaching out and building relationships with those who don't know Jesus, mentoring a little girl through Big Brothers Big Sisters, owning my own house (and being able to pay for it without a roommate), having a great job, seeing all sorts of amazing healing in my own life and in the lives of my family....the list could go on and on.

But, for the past few days specifically, I'm finally (yes, finally, two years after she stated and pushed me on point #2 above), realizing how truly I am alone. I have a very, very full life. I am blessed to have a lot of friends. I have a family that loves me. I have a ton of ministry opportunity and authority. I have a God that loves me desperately.

Yet, when it comes down to it, my life is segmented into a lot of pieces and there isn't one person who is involved in/with all the different parts that I am. I live my life alone. Just me and Jesus. I go through most of my life interacting with people, having experiences and carrying ministry situations all by myself. The other day, I had a couple hours with a friend who's equal with me in ministry and it was so nice to just share some of the things I've been carrying with someone...not even painful or hard things...just things. And, even in talking to her, as great as it was, it made me that much more hungry for a spouse - simply in hearing her talk about how she and her spouse have been processing things.

There are all sorts of truth and rationalizations that could be inserted at this point in a post. And, while I'm aware of those and while they exist as the backbone to what I'm writing here, it's still truth that I'm alone. I'm not depressed about it as much as I'm just aware of it.

I need to integrate my life more - bring the friends from various parts of my life into one place. I know that. But, it's also more than that....

I want someone to share life with....not just tell about it.
I want someone to share and carry ministry issues and people with.
I want someone to share the little, silly, everyday, nearly meaningless and mundane with.
I want someone to be captivated by me.
I want someone to pursue me....to pursue the things I'm interested in and about with me.
I want to not be alone anymore.

I know God has a good plan. I don't want to rush His plan. I'm not willing to make things happen on my own...though I could. I know He's said to wait. I know He's said that the right person will find me. I know He's promised me a spouse. I trust Him with all of it. But, today... today...I'm just weary of waiting and of carrying it all myself.

Even spending time with my "little" Angelica last night - it was SO FABULOUS. But, I wish there was someone who was actually interested in the ongoing nuts and bolts of that developing relationship - more than interested....involved.

I am not sure I'm explaining this very well....for once, it's not that I'm just desperate to be in a relationship for relationship's sake. I'm not just lonely. I'm just ready to share my life and carry things with someone....I'm longing for physical person to show enough interest and care for me and my life to be a part of it. I LOVE caring for others, giving out to others, pouring into others, listening to others. I'm just ready for one person to do that for me at a deeper level than I'm currently experiencing.....

Thankful Thursday, Take 49

2008-10-16T09:40:00.003-06:00

Thanking God this week for:

Reconnecting with my "little sister" Angelica. It's taken all summer for us to get things rolling (transitioning from a school-based tutoring program with Big Brothers Big Sisters to a community-based program though BBBS where we spend time together every other week for an few hours). It's SOOOOOOOOOOOO great to see her and spend time with her.
Beautiful fall weather. I LOVE the cool evenings/mornings and the warm days!!!!
Great, deepening friendships
Restored, deepening relationships with others
Seeing the people I'm pouring into reproducing themselves and pouring into others
Being able to sing and worship Jesus with myvoice
Great music that speaks to my heart and meets me where I am
Great music that allows me to verbalize my heart to Jesus in ways I couldn't on my own.
Stillness
Discernment into the hearts of others and what makes them tick - seeing so much further than what their words and actions would indicate on the surface. I LOVE getting to know people and see them for who they really are....
Being a good communicator - and even getting the opportunity to teach about communication next week at Discovering Community. Oh, the irony of communicating about communication.....let's see how this one goes! ;)
A reminder of God's sovereignty, care and grace in my life - in the wake of news that my college is closing down the undergraduate programs at the campus I attended. (To know that He really did direct me to Taylor (and more specifically, to Taylor Fort Wayne) through something so much more than “coincidence” for exactly the time I attended. To know that the friendships I built, the things I learned, the training I received, the memories I made, the enormous spiritual growth I experienced – were all a part of His specific plan to get me to be where and who I am now….it’s really just overwhelming....)
God's plan for and promises to me....

Thankful Thursday, Take 48

2008-10-10T10:43:00.002-06:00

Thanking God this week for:

A "new" computer (not brand new...but completely sufficient for my needs) for only $10! (I got a new computer at work and they let me buy the one I'd been using for the past two years....yes, just $10).
An amazing mentoring time with a woman in our church. I was afraid it was going to be the toughest one I've done yet. But, Jesus intervened in some really special ways and allowed me to really speak into her life and she was super responsive.
Evidence of life change in the people I've been mentoring and pouring into
An awesome meeting with the couple who coordinates worship in our Church. I just LOVE them and their amazingly loving and humble hearts, am humbled that I get to be a part of discipling them and have so much fun whenever I'm with them.
A great trip to Aspen last weekend to celebrate Chrisy. It was actually really depressing as so many people talked about how great she was...but not one person had any paradigm to even think to mention Jesusor the hope that He offers. That was obviously awful.....but getting to celebrate her life, share in the grieving process with some co-workers, and even see those co-workers a little more clearly was great.
Plus, I had 6+ great hours in the car with my dear friend Murielle and we saw some amazingly beautiful golden Aspen leaves on the drive.
Exciting, evident momentum building to planting our church's downtown site in the first part of next year. It all just keeps coming together in amazing fashion.
Having all the new girls from my small group over my house tonight just to hang out and get to know each other.
The amazing ways that God provides for me....when I actually let Him (rather than trying to figure it all out on my own)
Being able to participate in what He's doing in the lives of people and in the city I live in. It humbles me and fills my heart with more excitement and gratitude than I could ever express.
His enduring Love
The Hope that He offers

Thankful Thursday, Take 47

2008-10-03T15:19:00.002-06:00

Thanking God this week for:

Sushi with Jennie, Tif and Nicole
My job
Proof of growth and change
Fall
The chance to celebrate Chrisy's life in Aspen this Saturday
Reconnecting with old friends
The truth that Jesus is my provider...not my employer
The promise that Jesus is moving in people's lives - even if I can't see it
The reassurance that Jesus is in control, not me
The unchangingness (I know that's not really a word) and relevance of Scripture

Thankful Thursday, Take 46

2008-09-25T15:58:00.004-06:00

Thanking God this week for:

Getting to see Jennie in person!!!! (after 13 mos of email, Facebook and phone calls - with the annoying delays!)
Great talks, laughs, fun and reconnection time with Jennie and Tif
A few days off from work
A new small group (starting in a few weeks....but I'm very excited about the people I'm already meeting as we go through our Discovering Community class....we started last night and it was WONDERFUL!)
The opportunity to pastor and love this new group of people
My job and all my friends there
The amazing community that our office and company is - with everything surrounding Chrisy's passing, it's become more and more apparent to me how amazing all these people are. Seriously, so many Kingdom values....without even knowing Jesus...how much more amazing and effective for His Kingdom could they be if they did know Him. May they come to know You soon, Jesus....please.
Amazing friends and family who've been so supportive for/to me through all of this
The ability to grieve and join with others as they grieve
The Hope of Jesus
The Hope of Heaven because of His sacrifice
The Comfort of Jesus

I just don't understand....

2008-09-23T09:26:00.002-06:00

This is a picture from my birthday party earlier this year. I'm surrounded by four dear friends with whom I work.

Something awful happened this past weekend to one of them. Chrisy, who's pictured here in the blue shirt, passed away on Sunday.

She was a healthy, amazingly kind and sweet, 31-year old landscape architect. About six weeks ago, she started feeling really tired and run down. Her doctors couldn't find anything wrong - at first thinking she had mono or Rocky Mt Tick disease.

When she still wasn't feeling better (after a few weeks), her best friend (also a co-worker and pictured above in the gray shirt) talked her into driving to the hospital. Chrisy went...and they immediately checked her in.

Turns out, her liver was failing...but the doctors couldn't figure out why. They thought it was maybe hepititus. Nope. No idea what it was....but quickly, her prognosis got worse. By mid-week last week, she was put on the liver donor list....at the TOP of the liver donor list. Time was not her friend. She became unconscious by Thursday.

Late Friday night, they got the call. A liver had become available!! They did the transplant immediately. I got a phonecall late Saturday afternoon that the transplant had been a success....that this sort of surgery has a 95% success rate.

But, when I walked into work yesterday, I could tell something was up. And, we had an all-staff meeting at 8:30 where they shared the news: though the transplant itself had been a success, her body had already deteriorated too far. The doctors did everything they could but fluid had built on her brain. She passed away quickly after that.

I was pretty numb all day yesterday as people around me were crying. But, I woke up this morning with this pressure on my chest...and basically haven't stopped crying. It's just so awful. I'm so sad for her, her family, her boyfriend, her friends, our co-workers, me....and HER.

She didn't know Jesus. As amazing as she was, I know she didn't know Jesus. And, as I've been praying so faithfully for them all and trying to share Jesus with all my co-workers, I'm just broken about this. I know that Jesus is in control....that it's not my fault she died without knowing Him. But, I'm still devastated for her. And, I don't know how to respond to all those around me without sounding pithy.

Please pray that I'd be able to grieve this myself, share in others' mourning and be Jesus to them all - whatever that looks like and in a way that will actually make a difference...may something good and Kingdom-oriented come out of this awful situation......

Thankful Thursday, Take 44 & 45

2008-09-16T14:12:00.003-06:00

Thanking God last week and this week for:

Lovely fall weather
Pumpkin spiced things
Soup-weather
Bright sunshine, warm days but cool nights
My House
My Health - comes to mind specifically as a coworker has suddenly fallen ill with liver failure and will have an immediate liver transplant. She's young and healthy. This is weird.
Time with former and current coworkers
So many friends and their new babies
God's sustaining me
His kindness
JENNIE'S BACK FROM UGANDA!
Getting to take some time off work for the rest of the week to spend with her!

Thankful Thursday, Take 43

2008-09-05T11:02:00.003-06:00

Thanking God this week for:

Fall's in the air!!!!! I LOVE this time of year!
New opportunities for ministry and leadership - our church is starting a new site (in downtown Denver) in a few months and I'm going to help with it!
Healthy, clarifying conversations
Jennie's coming home in just over a WEEK!!!!
Spending some time with Ini last weekend
A three-day weekend!!!
My Job (as four more people - from other offices though - were laid off this week)
FOOTBALL season! I love the NFL and my team won last night! GO, GIANTS!!!! :)
Dinner at the president of my company's home this past weekend - God just keeps giving me more and more favor with everyone I work with but specifically with a certain set of people (including the president and her husband - both of whom are part owners and work for the company). While I didn't really get any opportunities to talk blantantly about Jesus at dinner, I just keep building rapport and equity with these people (there were like 15 of us there). It's so the work of the Holy Spirit!
New eyes to see the things and people around me - to see it/them all with a Kingdom perspective and seeing who they will be in the Kingdom - it helps me know how to pray better
Confirmation and validation from my pastor
Jesus' enduring love and validation
His heart for the people I work with and the people of this city
His patience and commitment to me- even when I'm impatient, faithless and in consistent

Misplaced Hope

2008-08-29T09:53:00.005-06:00

I grew up a conservative Republican. I espoused to many of their beliefs, practices and rhetoric. I fully believed it was the party that Jesus would have been a part of, had He been on earth right now.

But, the older I get and the more I study all that it means to follow Jesus and the character of who He was/is, I realize afresh how really, He'd probably not be a part of either or any party. There are truly Kingdom values that both the Republican and Democratic parties hold....and many that neither holds. Their methods of accomplishing their goals may be in opposition; they're both FAR from perfect or complete. But, I'm realizing more and more that Democrats aren't inherantly evil - as I chose to believe as a child.

Further, especially in lieu of the Democratic National Convention being in Denver, it's been fascinating to watch the excitement, buzz and hype surrounding the convention, the election and the Democratic candidate, Barak Obama. Literally, thousands of people decended upon Denver in support of this candidate. In support of the "change" they "hope" he can bring.

And, as I've been taking all of this in, watching all the activity around me, seeing people willing to look like fools for this candidate and his platform, I've become more convinced that this whole thing is futile. All of these people spend time, energy, emotion and tons of money in the hope that this one man will bring desperate change to our nation and our world.

Next week in St. Paul, I'm sure it'll be the same feelings, ideas, hope, emotion and money - all for a different candidate: John McCain.

But, the truth is, neither man is anything more than a man. Yes, they both have vision. Yes, they both have plans. Yes, they both have money. And, yes, one of them will become the next President of the United States. But they're both just people.

The hope of our nation and our world can't be placed in a man, can't be placed in a government, can't be placed in a platform. The hope of our nation and our world can be placed in one person alone - the only one who can really make a differnce - Jesus.

And, watching all the people, pundits and journalists this week has honestly broken my heart and deepened my prayers. Prayers that people will realize that Jesus alone is our hope. Prayers that the candidate the Lord wills will be elected. Prayers that the world will change as hearts are drawn to Him.

It's going to be an interesting next few months.

The Dems Visit Denver

2008-08-29T09:40:00.004-06:00

Regardless of your political leanings and opinions, having the Democratic National Convention in Denver was great for the city of Denver. Tons of exposure. Lots of money pumped into our economy. And lots of sights and sounds.

Here are a few pictures:

Thankful Thursday, Take 42

2008-08-28T11:39:00.002-06:00

Thanking God this week for:

my job
a fun office picnic
awesome evidences of God's presence at church on Sunday
a great time with the ladies of our church council on Sunday night
amazing opportunities to talk about Jesus very openly with my coworkers
profound examples of God's grace and kindness to let me participate in what He's doing in their lives
beautiful weather this week
the excitement and buzz in the air with the DNC being in Denver
being able to get to and from work with all the DNC activities (I live very close to where Obama's giving his speech tonight and work about 10 blocks from where all the other DNC events have been this week - has certainly made things interesting!)
anticipation
evidence some new and exciting things on the horizon for our church
the amazing ministry coordinators I get to oversee - they blow me away with their hearts, sacrifice and competance