2009 Top 100 Things I'm Thankful For

Yes, it's true...as with this blog in general, I haven't been kept up with the "Thankful Thursday" series I used to do. But, I do still want to take the time to do my annual Top 100 list.

Here goes. This year I'm thankful for:

1. My father's visit to Denver earlier this year
2. Getting to show him my life, my friends and my church while he was here
3. All the amazing house/maintenance projects he helped me with - including installing a new microwave!
4. Spending a weekend away with two of my sisters (Nikki and Jessica) - and starting an annual Labor Day tradition
5. Seeing one of those sisters (Nikki) for the first time in THREE years and determining to never let three years pass without seeing her again
6. Spending time with my amazing nieces (Kristin and Natalie) - they're delightful...wow...do I wish we lived closer to be a regular part of their lives
7. My job - with only a slight pay cut - when so many people have lost theirs this year
8. My home - and that I'm still somehow able to sustain the mortgage on my own
9. My 13-yr old car - still in great shape and no car payment!!!!
10. An amazing, week-long trip to Galveston with some of my most favorite people in the entire world
11. Going to the beach while in Galveston - maybe not the prettiest beach...but a beach just the same
12. Seeing my cousin Joseph get married
13. Seeing nearly every member of my father's side of the family (it's been a long time...)
14. Singing in my cousin Mariel's wedding
15. Seeing nearly every member of my mother's side of the family (it's been even longer....)
16. Getting a better picture of the amazing woman my mother was before she became ill
17. Spending time with my step sister Natasha and her husband Mike
18. Spending time with my littlest sister, Rebecca and her two absolutely adorable boys, Damien and Kaleb
19. The bond I have with my seven of my siblings - even though I've not lived near any of them in more than 12 years
20. Facebook - allowing me to keep in better touch with those siblings and friends around the world
21. Reconnecting with high school friends (some, after 12 years) - thank you, Facebook
22. Reconnecting with some friends from past mission trips after 13 years - again, thank you, Facebook
23. My phenomenol church - the Mile High Vineyard
24. The humbling ministry opportunities I've had this year
25. The new Wholeness (counseling) Ministry we've started/I have the priviledge of leading
26. The awesome team of folks I get to work with in the Wholeness Ministry
27. The lives that are already being healed, changed and freed through the Wholeness Ministry
28. Getting to oversee our Prayer and Intercession Ministry
29. Leading worship again...not not having to oversee the entire ministry anymore
30. Getting better and better on the guitar
31. Healing and reconciliation
32. Ministry transitions
33. God's kind prepration of my heart and mind for those transitions
34. The girls in my new small group
35. My friends/pastors Jay and Danielle and their tender, gracious love and care for me
36. The space they both help to create in my heart to believe that I'm loved, known, safe, appreciated, capable... (really, the list could go on and on)
37. My amazing friends - who show me every day (that I'll let them) that they can handle all of me - not just when I'm strong and have it all together - and who don't have any expectations of me
38. New friendships that are emerging
39. The ways the Lord tenderly speaks to my heart and loves me
40. Proof that the Lord knows the deepest wounds of my heart and longs to bring freedom to those places.
41. Proof that He also knows the deepest hopes and dreams of my heart and promises to bring them to pass
42. Reviving dreams I've had for many years at a time when they seem more possible than ever before
43. The Blind Side - an awesome movie that helped prove that some of my dreams really are possible....
44. My adopted child with Compassion Int'l - Letu
45. The fact that friends on their way to her country can bring her a hand-delivered gift from me
46. My "little sister" from BigBrothersBigSisters
47. The ways she brings so much joy to my life
48. The hope of one day having children of my own
49. The hope of one day being a foster parent
50. The hope of one day adopting children
51. Being in a church where so many families are adopting so that when it's my turn, I'll have tons of resources around me
52. Hope
53. Beauty
54. Love
55. Joy
56. Pain
57. Tears
58. Transition
59. Boundaries
60. Prayer
61. Safety
62. Holidays
63. Great ethnic food
64. A love for cooking
65. Friends willing to be my guinea pig for new recipes (sometimes without knowing it!)
66. Space heaters for cold days at work
67. Digital cameras
68. Bookstores
69. Great books like Men and Women in the Church
70. Coffee
71. Gelato
72. Pedicures
73. Sleeping in late
74. Lazy mornings
75. Journals
76. Guilty-pleasure TV shows
77. Redbox
78. A great glass of wine
79. Happy Hour
80. Chocolate
81. Road trips
82. Clinique's Happy Heart
83. Candles
84. Gerbera Daisies
85. Rec Centers that make working out easy and affordable
86. Working out
87. White-water rafting
88. Snow Shoeing
89. Autumns on the East Coast...and my increasing appreciation for autumn in Colorado - though so different from back East
90. Four seasons
91. Having all five senses intact
92. Singing
93. The NFL
94. Travel
95. Freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want
96. The possibility of starting my own business - and the freedom it will bring (time, energy, resources)
97. The nerdy skill I have that translates into a great small business opportunity
98. Living in Colorado - with it's beauty, amazing climate and fantastic people
99. Living in Denver - which satisfies my love for urban environments with nature in close proximity
100. The Savior's love and sacrifice for me and you

Men and Women in the Church, part 2

Continuing on from my previous post, did you feel something as you were reading just that small sampling? That strange feeling rising up...one that says "ooh, yes! You're right!" and at the same time "um...I'm not so sure about that one." I'm telling you...that's what happens throughout the entire book.

I can feel the Lord shifting and confirming so much in me. It's funny....because I would say that I've never really felt comfortable claiming to be on either side of this debate - I've always sort of subconsciously felt that truth was probably somewhere in the middle...but I've never really had the words (nor taken the time to research) to explain it.

But, while it's wildly confirming and freeing, it's also stirring up so much in me. I've realized how I've not fully been living as the woman I was created to be. It's weird...because I've never sought leadership yet it seems to find me. And, especially in the church world, I've stepped in (and enjoyed it) and the people and ministries I oversee seem to thrive. YET, I think subconsciously there's been this voice in the back of my head saying that the men in my life probably think that I'm "too strong, too gifted, too opinionated, too 'called'" and that I intimidate them.

It's weird too...because when I really think about it, I think I undercut myself in the "church" world...yet have no problem at all being fully and completely myself outside of church. My co-workers see me in all my glory - strong, intelligent, goofy, weak, ridiculous, silly, opinionated, etc - and they still like me. They embrace me for all that I am and push me to go further than I already do.

But, in church - even if I'm one of the key leaders in my church - I seem to undercut or downplay my role, my ability and most of who I am - with most people (though not my co-council members or those I directly lead). I am quieter, no where near as goofy, strong or opinionated.

I definitely do it with single guys at church though....I found myself doing it just the other day at lunch. I was eating lunch with some co-leaders and a newer friend happened to join us. My behavior was markedly different from before he sat down and after. SO ANNOYING! But, it was a good moment for me as well. Helped me realize that's what I do. So, I'm striving to a) act like myself in all my great and goofy glory no matter where I am or whom I'm with and b) figure out why I am different in church circles as compared to everywhere else.

Hmmm....so much to think about....

Men and Women in the Church, part 1

This may very well be the most balanced, honest and challenging book I've ever read on women in leadership in the church. It's so good....so Biblical...so insightful.

Sarah Sumner, is amazing. She doesn't argue either a complimentarian or an egalitarian view of women in the church per se....but a balanced, truth-filled, middle ground. She shares her own story, lots of scripture and info on church tradition as passed down by our church fathers.

Here are just a few of the great things she says (and I'm only about half-way through the book):

"People who know me understand that I am a Christian, not a feminist. Here's what I mean by that. I am a follower of Christ (Mt 16:24). I confess with my mouth that "Jesus [is] Lord" and believe in my heart "that God raised Him from the dead" (Rom 10:9). My vocation is to become like Christ (Rom 8:29). With that, my number one goal is to love God foremost (Mt 22:37). If I were a feminist, my focus would be on women and equality and power. But since I am a Christian, my focus is on Christ and truth and grace (John 1:17). As a Christian, I don't function in a feminist paradigm.....Anyone who thinks that treating women fairly is a feminist thing to do, not a Christian thing to do, doesn't understand Christianity" (pg 27-28, italics mine).

"Granted, on the surface the debate about women has to do with proper roles. But underneath, it has to do with the more complex question of the God-given nature of women. Followers of Christ are struggling to figure out how it is that female human beings can be made in the image of God who reveals Himself as "he." On top of that, we're arguing about culture and perspectives and the authority of the Bible. In truth, we are arguing about a multitude of things because the question of women's identity inevitably is connectd to a multitude of other related factors. So many questions come to mind. For instance, what does it mean to be a woman? What does it mean to be a man? Why do an inordinate number of men avoid the church? Would even fewer men attend if women served as pastors and preachers? What are we going to do about the divorce rate? What about women who feel convicted to stay at home and rear their kids? What about the Bible? What about the church being true to obey God's Word?" (pg 31).

"I agree that it is not God's way for women to come barreling in making personal demands for themselves. But I would like to add that it's not God's way for men either. It's not God's way for women to interact as mutual lovers, but it's not God's way for men either. It's not God's way for mothers to abandon their children either born or unborn. And yet, it's not God's way for fathers either. In the kingdom of God, there is no double standard. All of us are responsible to live for God, and yet all of us are guilty of living primarily for ourselves." (pg 32).

This is a long one....
"From the start of my research, I have felt convicted by a well-known passage in I Peter: 'For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering he uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously.' (1 Peter 2:21-23)
"Every time I read this, I see the word you. God has called 'you,' meaning me, for this purpose, since Christ suffered for 'you,' meaning me, and left me an example for me to follow in His steps.
"Though many people might still argue that women are entitled to the political right to lead in the realm of church government, I do not concur. Within the Kingdom of God, people have only one right. The Bible says that all who receive Christ as Savior and Lord, to them God gives 'the right' to become children of God (John 1:12). That one right is sufficient. As long as I have the right to be a child of God, then my identity on earth cannot be threatened. I am God's child, an heir of the kingdom, empowered by the Spirit of the Lord.....The Bible does not say to lead one another. It says to 'love one another." Once we do that, we won't have a thought about clamoring for our positions anymore. Instead, we'll be like Him to came to serve (Mark 9:34; 10:35-45)." (pg 35-36)

"Although I am a woman, I have tacitly thought of myself as a special type of woman, the kind that can keep up with men. I've exercised the same pride and prejudice.....It wasn't a self-esteem issue. It was far deeper that that, and far more insidious and subtle. I've never for a moment wished I were a man. But, I have wished in a wordless way deep inside my ehart that I could somehow transcend my female self whenever I perceive that my womanhood has become a liability. " (pg 78-79)

And, finally:
"The Bible never commands us to strive for mature masculinity or mature femininity. Instead, the Word of God calls people to become like Christ. The right question is not 'Am I fulfilling my call to become a biblical man or a biblical woman?' The right question is 'Am I imitating Christ?'" (pg 86)

Gosh...there are so many fabulous quotes. I could type up the whole book if I'm not careful!

Gap #2: Counseling/Peer Counseling

In a former post, I briefly mentioned something about "all this counseling/peer counseling stuff." Well...here's the explanation. :)

Basically, it's short and sweet. Believing that we are a "therapied-out" culture and that most of life's problems can be sorted out within the context of community, we're aiming to provide a space within our church where people can process their pain and past, receive prayer and be given helpful advice next steps to move from "victim" to active participant and conqueror of their own lives.

This past summer, we began the peer counseling ministry by doing a 12-week class for relational and sexual brokenness. We had about 20 participants and it could not have gone better. It was so humbling to watch people (begin to) get freedom from past pain, woundings, relationships and situations. We had a time of worship, a teaching and then broke up into gender-specific small groups for prayer and sharing. Topics we'd teach/discuss included understanding the Father's love, mother/father wounds, true feminine and true masculine.

We're going to continue to offer this class semi-regularly at our church. And, we're also setting up a peer-counseling program. We have a team of "lay" (ie - not professionally trained) counselors that will guide participants through a curriculum over a number of weeks. We've found that after most people go through this curriculum, they're end up not needing the services of a professional counselor. (It's not that we're against professional counseling....buy why pay someone who doesn't know you and/or has no context for your life when you can learn life/coping skills from someone for free and with whom you share normal life?)

So....anyway, that's the short, basic description. I get to oversee the folks who are running the counseling/peer counseling stuff day-to-day. We're building this ministry together - building the team, training them, gathering resources and setting up processes...not to mention, actually getting to participate in the peer counseling of others.

It's among the most amazing, life-changing things I've ever gotten the priviledge to be a part of.

Gap #1: I'm leading worship again

If you read my most-recent post, you read about my stepping down from overseeing the worship ministry at my church. It's true - I'm no longer doing that. But, even as I'm positive I'm not to be overseeing the ministry, I've been on a journey of leading worship again for our services.

You may remember that I actually used to lead worship in our services and then, in the fall of 2006, I was asked to step away from leading at services (for a refresher, you can read here, here and here) so that I could move into other areas of leadership and oversight.

Initially, being asked to step away three years ago was devastating to me. Rather than being honored that there were larger opportunities for me to step into, I took it all to mean that I wasn't good enough to lead. Eventually, I saw things more clearly and even realized how relieved I was to still play and sing on the band without having to lead the band...and that, in fact, I hadn't really ever enjoyed or felt capable of leading it.

So, for nearly the past three years, I haven't led worship in any capacity. I've overseen the entire ministry and I've played on the band...but I haven't led anything (except for a very occasional small-group worship time). I haven't wanted to. I haven't even thought about it.

That is, until around three months ago.

We were starting a new healing/counseling class (see Gap #2....coming shortly, I promise) and according to the format we were using, we were going to start each class with a time of worship. I was the only one on the team who could play an instrument or sing or, for that matter, even had any worship experience. So, unhesitatingly, I volunteered to lead worship each week. (First noteworthy step - "unhesitatingly.")

And, over the 12-week course, things went really well. My musicianship wasn't perfect...but it wasn't terrible...and really, either way, it didn't matter. The Holy Spirit was there. People were interacting with the Lord. We were worshipping. And, I felt really comfortable and at peace leading. No weirdness. No insecruity. No worry. No anxiety.

About mid-June, I was in church (our worship team has gotten large enough now that I don't have to play on the band every week) and randomly had the following thought go through my mind: "I think I could lead again. I definitely need a few pointers on how to direct the band...but I think I'm ready to lead again."

Then, my friend Billy (amazing worship leader and songwriter whose song, "Oh Lord My Shepherd Be," appears on this album) emailed a few of us to suggest doing a worship leading workshop with some folks before he moved away to grad school. He sent that email about three days after I had that thought about leading again.

This email to him sums up what happened next:

"I think I told you this when you sent out the initial email sharing your idea to do a worship workshop of this sort....that I had been feeling it was time to step into leading worship again...but just needed someone to show me how to lead a band.

Literally three days after my initial thought, your email came. Definitely the Lord. :) Then, came the onslaught of attack then fear (both things I've not struggled with in any regard in a while....and specifically, not with worship at all in YEARS).

First it was the literal feeling of suffocation every time I'd step on stage - and just when I was on the band...not leading yet! - it truly was as if I had suddenly been thrown into having to learn a new language or that there was some physical and mental wall I couldn't scale. Strange. Disorienting. Discouraging. (and had only happened one other time in my entire life...in high school at a vocal competition where I had already taken first place in the first round...there was no need to fear the 2nd round audition).

Anyway, then, Sunday...all morning and specifically right before we started the workshop, I was panicking! Complete irrational fear took over. And, I couldn't get myself out from under it - even after J's sermon (ironically appropriate as it was about fear and getting our security and confidence from the Lord, not others) and prayer during ministry time. It was all these crazy thoughts - ranging from "everyone's going to think the song I choose is lame....they're all into "indy rock" and I'm as classic and vanilla as it comes. I'm going to be ostrasized before I even begin." to "everyone thought I sucked as a leader back in the day and they still think so. I'm completely inadequate and inside they're all thinking 'great, here we go again...why's she doing this when it's clear she can't lead?' " No need to mention how ridiculous all those thoughts were, that only a few people said any of those things back in the day anyway, that it's an entirely different group of people on the band now, that I've gotten a bit better as a musician/guitarist or that I've actually gotten tons of healing and freedom for all my performance-orientation crap.

Anyway, once we got started at the workshop, things just dissipated. All the fear. All the irrational thoughts. And the entire afternoon was so redeeming for me. Everything from hearing small statements of "ooh, I love that song" to how intuitive it felt to attempt to lead once I tried doing it (even though I know I still have LOTS of improving to do...it wasn't nearly as awful and overwhelming as it used to feel) to so many many statements and comments that YOU made that verbalized thoughts and feelings I've had for years but never felt adequate enough (or felt I had a voice) to say."

It really was amazing. And, since then, I've co-led our worship times twice and this Sunday night will be leading the worship time myself. I'm excited and I know this is the direction I'm supposed to be going in. Even though I'm not overseeing the worship ministry anymore...I'm definitely supposed to be leading again.

Gosh, it's nice to be able to actually think about worship again...rather than all the logistical details that go into running a ministry.

No More Cycles (hopefully)

Lots has been going on! I'll spare all the gorey details but, suffice it to say that one more time, I've found myself over-committed, worn out and too busy. I've known it....but the point was driven home loud and clear when I had people from every different area of my life say "You're the busiest person I know" all in the span of about 10 days. A girl gets the picture after all of that.... :)

I feel like I've finally some clear-cut, honest, healthy resolution now though. After getting some prayer at church a few weeks ago, I realized how this busyness thing is a cycle for me (I'm sure all of you - if I still have any readers left! - have realized this a long time ago but I just did!)...and this cycle comes from a feeling of obligation to others. The last time the busyness stuff was this bad was two years ago when I nearly quit church and everything to do with Jesus and tried to date a non-believing co-worker (Remember? If not read here and here.)

And, though I'm handling this one much much better than that, some of the same stuff has emerged - basically, at the risk of "inconveniencing others," I say "yes" to everything, even when it's an inconvenience to me...I want to love others and give them the opportunity for whatever they need....but end up killing myself in the process.

So, while I'm not dumb enough to believe that I'll never have to deal with this again I feel like I have some tools to do things differently. The main one feels a little cheesy...but I think it is what I have to do - it's something we encourage our married couples at church to do and I think I'm going to do it with the Lord each week - have a "business/family" meeting to go over my schedule and my budget. I'm hoping that as I stay connected to Jesus in general and then specifically as it pertains to my schedule/priorities and money, I won't revisit this cycle as much!

Plus, even as the Lord's been (seemingly out of nowhere - I'll try to fill in this gap soon) opening the doors for me to be leading worship again, I really feel like I'm not supposed to be overseeing the worship ministry anymore.

There are what seems like a million confirmations about this - not the least of which is a redefining and re-opening of my heart for hurting/broken people. Two years ago after I hit bottom, I walked away from that time with two big things (though for some reason, I never wrote about either one on my blog...WEIRD) : 1) "break my heart for what breaks Yours" and 2) (after watching the movie Amazing Grace) a desperate cry to the Lord to be used to bring healing and freedom to others as Wilberforce had to the slaves in the UK (though not desiring to have anywhere near the same stage or noteriety)...and that's where my pursuit of a "little sister" and my heart for my co-workers were birthed.

So, as I've taken lots of time to re-evaluate stuff in the last few weeks, those two things came back to mind and my heart's been re-opened and re-softened to care for the broken and wounded. And, I feel all this counseling/peer counseling stuff (another thing I will attempt to catch my readers up on - hopefully soon) is exactly what I'm supposed to be giving my time to. I've taken worship as far as I can take it in the five (!) years I've been overseeing it.

I met with my pastor earlier in the week to present all of this to him and he agreed 100%. He was really affirming and complimentary about the job I've done and all....which was super encouraging. I was a little concerned that I'd have to sell him on the idea or that my stepping down from worship would cause someone else to have to do more work. And, he actually even said that (though I didn't) - that he knows I'm probably worried about inconveniencing someone else...but that it's clear the Lord's up to something and so I shouldn't worry about it. It was awesome and so confirming/encouraging.

And, finally, I met with my worship ministry coordinators (the ones I've been working directly with and who actually oversee the nuts and bolts of the worship ministry) a few nights ago to share all of this with them as well. And, it went really well. The Lord's been doing some significant and powerful stuff in their lives as well so I know that my stepping down is actually perfect for them....I think/hope/pray that they actually choose to step up into the position I just left.

And, now, I'm DONE! I'm so excited...and I never thought I'd ever want to be done with worship. But, the idea of not having the responsibility of all the details and bigger picture of worship on my back and of just being able to be a worship leader/band member makes me more excited than I can say!

Last night, I was at a church function and we had a few audio-visual snaffus arise. And, for the first time in FIVE YEARS, I didn't have to respond to it. Someone else was there and it was a stark, though GLORIOUS, moment to realize that those things were someone else's problem now...not mine (directly or indirectly).

I'm SO SO SO VERY EXCITED about all the Lord's allowing me to be a part of with our counseling and prayer ministries at my church. Knowing that the worship ministry is being so well taken care of by others so I can fully let it go and focus on counseling and prayer is absolutely GLORIOUS. :)

The Lord's timing, plan and love for me are astounding, humbling and so fulfilling.

A New Person, part 2

(I know it's been over three months since my last post....)

This next one may take a bit to explain....

I'm part of the main leadership team of our church...we call it the Council...it's essentially the elder board. There are 13 amazing people on this team...and each of us is pretty uniquely gifted and talented. We each have our strengths and weaknesses...and it's an amazing gift to get to work together for the Kingdom and for our church. It's amazing to see how well we work together and how perfectly our strengths and weaknesses work together. (Plus, we have a WHOLE LOT of fun together...what a gift from the Lord that I get to work and live life with these folks!)

That said, last summer, during a council meeting, our pastor passed around an article on how teams work together. It specifically highlighted how people with different Myers-Briggs results are key at different times in the planting of a new church (or in our case, a new site of our existing church). It was really a very helpful article....however, ever since reading it, I felt this funny thing of being disconnected or expendable on the team - ironic, considering the article was supposed to do the exact opposite.

And, really, ever since that moment (without realizing until recently that that was where it started), I'd been battling this feeling of not belonging or not being important. It was just so strange too, because it's not like anyone on the team specifically ever said or did anything to make me feel that way. It was just this thing in my head...where literally every time I was with any of them, I would just have these irrational thoughts about how they didn't really want me there, they would prefer to hang out with someone else, they're stuck cleaning up my messes, I don't have anything to add to the conversation/project/ministry/anything. So annoying....so debilitating....

But, then early this summer, it all broke (yes...I'd been battling this since AUGUST of '08). It was a few weeks after that conversation with my pastor so...things were already moving in this direction...but I was meeting with P, a member of the council, about a new counseling/inner-healing class I was about to start leading at church. We were just chatting and shooting the breeze and I said something to which P replied, "wow...I'm impressed you can just see things that clearly and aren't afraid to say it. That's so great."

"I guess," I responded. "I think I'm finally just comfortable with who I am and my place on the team...."

(Don't ask me where that confidence had come from considering the real freedom was about to come via his response....)

"It's just funny that you've ever doubted your place, Natalie. I mean, there's a vital reason you're on it. C (another member of our council and with whom I share the same "stage" on that church-planting/Myers-Briggs article I mentioned above...but who hadn't come up at all in our conversation until that precise moment) does get things done. But, he's like a military guy- he can get anything done at any time....he just pushes through with no thought to the casualties around him. And, that's truly, really valuable at certain points. But, the benefit of having you and me on the team too is that we can implement as well...but we also pay a bit more attention to the people around us. We can care for (and even prevent) the casualties."

And, literally, that's when it all clicked together. In that moment, I realized that I had bunched C and I together since we were on the same "stage" in that silly article...and then, that I had compared (to C) and disqualified myself because one time our pastor made a (very accurate) comment that C was "the best implementer we had on our team." I had subconsciously decided that since C and I were on the same stage of project implementation but that he was the "best implementer" we had, than I had no value or place. That was never what was said nor was it was my pastor intended.

P's words to me over lunch that day brought me such freedom....as I connected all those dots, repented to the Lord for believing the way I had and have thus moved on. I now can truly embrace that C really is our best implementer but that doesn't in any way mean I'm not valuable or have a vital role on our team. My value lies simply in who I am....and my role is and rightly should be different than C's.

Aaaahhhhh.....