Defined

A few years ago, as I was preparing to transition from my job at Kingdom Building Ministries, I sat down with the president of that ministy to share my decision with him and explain what was going on.

I so clearly remember feeling so worried about sharing my decision with him (and quite frankly so worried about my decision in the first place, not knowing what in the world was next for me) and yet, feeling so certain that I was taking the correct steps forward. I was blindly moving forward, not having a clue what was in front of me, and yet full of eager anticipation for the unknown.

For some reason, today, I was reminded of my conversation with Dwight (KBM's president) and, most specifically, reminded of something he said after we prayed at the end of our conversation. He had prayed for me - and prayed for all these great things - and something had struck him, shaken him, affected him in a very visible way. And, then he said it - voice nearly shaking with feeling and a great sense of overwhelming (that feeling I experience after I've really encountered God), "Natalie, I feel like Jesus wants you to know how very much He loves you. I really feel like He wants you to know that while He greatly loves everyone, for you, the defining testimony of your life will be His love for you."

It was a great sentiment...and something I surely welcomed as being true in my life. And, yet, I don't think that I had even the beginning of a grid to understand what he had really said to me. I had no idea what those words really meant.

Now, over 18 months later, I think maybe I'm beginning to understand it...and yet, I believe that there's so much more to come that I still don't have a grid for. But, I don't quite have the words to express even wat I had experienced thus far.

I just keep being reminded of all of the tiny ways that God shows His love for me....all the seemingly insiginificant things that transpire, that only Jesus knows are meaningful and important to me. Stupid things like that I live five blocks from one of the most beautiful lakes in the city of Denver. Or that all I have to do is stand outside my house to see my absolute favorite view of downtown. Or, speaking of my house, while it's tiny, it's got everything exactly that I asked for for this season in my life - down to the ceramic tile and hardwood floors. Or that years after one of the most difficult situations in my adult life transpired, Jesus was kind enough to shed some light and answer some questions - when I didn't deserve it or think I'd ever get those answers. Or that I'm privileged enough to get to architect the leadership structure of an entire church and oversee the three ministries for which I'm the most passionate. Or that He's repairing relationships that have been broken - showing me that while I'm not perfect, I wasn't the cause of most of the brokeness that came about. Or that I somehow get to spend 10 days in Italy - somewhere I've longed to go to for years and thought it'd still be years and years before I could get there- and get to spend it with the one person with whom I'd enjoy the trip the most.

There are all these silly little things and then all these hugely pivotal and redemptive things....and I just sit here amazed that Jesus loves me enough to care about the things that I care about - even the tiny ones. That, of all the billions of people in the world, of all the huge needs that are far more important than whether I get fresh pineapple at the grocery store for a great price or not, of all the broken things in this world, that He sees me, cares about me and takes the time to prove it to me - even whilst He's working in the midst of the lives of all those other billions of people and needs. Who am I that He would care that much?

And, yet, His love stabilizes me, immobilizes me, inspires me, frees me, protects me, sustains me and undoes me.

It truly does define me.

Everything else in my life flows from that. And, while I don't ask for much or expect much, while I'm actually pretty easy (maybe too easy) to please and while exactly everything He's done in my life thus far is far more than enough or than I deserve, I'm excited and so full of anticipation for whatever else He has for me. I know that I'm only experiencing the tip of the iceberg of His love for me. And, I can't wait to experience and testify of whatever else is in front of me.

Life with Jesus is definitely a hard, stretching and growing life. But, it's also the most fulfilling, exciting, liberating and satisfying way to live ever. I heard someone once say that Jesus was the kindest person they'd ever met. And, I'd have to say that those words are far truer than is within our ability to comprehend. He is so very kind....